Tuesday, November 29, 2011

My here-it-is-I-am-fat post

This past weekend I had pictures taken of myself. This is something I generally avoid. I didn't really have a choice in the matter. My husband's step-grandmother wanted family pictures for his Grandpa. The whole family. We did a huge picture of everyone (those I can usually hide in, turn to the side, hold the baby). Then, we had to do small families. I thought I looked okay. Really, I did.

Then, I saw the pictures. I was fat. I looked bloated and pale. Now, let me just clarify one thing (or a few)...I am a huge advocate of health at every size. I believe your BMI can be high and  you can be healthy. I believe just because you have a "normal" BMI, you're not guaranteed health.

I've been in denial. I am obese. My blood pressure is good. My cholesterol is good. I must be healthy. I would really like to lose weight for my health, but my health has been good, so I haven't been motivated.

Until now. It may sound vain, so what. I am fat. I am being completely honest here....so please don't judge.

I liked to think I had great eating habits. I ate organic. I tried to avoid aspartame and high-fructose corn syrup....unless they were in the pop I was (still am) so addicted to. I avoid nitrites. I only used milk without hormones or antibiotics. My meat was usually locally raised, without hormones or organic. I shopped at Whole Foods.

But, I am fat. I am addicted to food. Now, you can disagree with me, but I am here to tell you it does exist. I wake up thinking about what I'm going to eat. If I have a bad day, I can't wait to get my hands on sugar or a pop. I can't wait to eat the next meal. And not just in a foodie sense of way.

While I wish vanity didn't motivate me, I am thankful I haven't been told I have diabetes, high blood pressure, or high cholesterol. Maybe vanity is a good thing. I need to be healthy for my kids. I need to be an example for them. I want them to choose healthy.

I am seemingly obsessed over the food my kids eat...especially my baby (I was that way when the big kid was a baby too). No formula. Ever. Cooper has only had healthy foods. In fact, he's only had one "jar" of baby food. My mom bought it for him. He's had fresh foods...mostly organic. Organic butternut squash, organic apples, sweet potatoes (some organic, some jarred). He's had the brown rice from Happy Baby (only when he has leftover breastmilk from day care). I've made some of Cooper's food (he hasn't eaten it yet though).

So why am I so lax about the way I eat? Why do I act like I care, but I don't? Why do I sneak food?

It feels good. Food is my friend. It's my comfort.

So here I am. Out here for the world to see. And now, I'm going to share with you my goals, so I can be accountable. They're only monthly goals, but they're a start.

December Goals
No pop (diet or regular)
Exercise three times per week for at least 30 minutes per day
Limit eating out to once per week
No fast food
No store-bought candy, homemade candy in moderation (it is Christmas afterall!)

I would like to lose 5 pounds. I would like to follow my goals.

I will be posting more about my struggles with my weight. I hope I can help someone. I hope someone chooses to join me in my get-health journey!

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