Tuesday, November 16, 2010

17 weeks, 4 days

In just a few weeks, I'll be almost halfway through this pregnancy.  Frankly, that freaks me out.  I don't know if I'm ready.  Okay, I know I'm not ready.

My midwife is retiring in 6 weeks! SIX WEEKS! I have over 20 weeks left.

I need a new midwife. I've had the unfair advantage of knowing all of my providers before they were my providers (nurse perks), but now there are THREE new midwives at our hospital.  Three? I don't have the time to interview three. So, after my next appointment, I'm just going to see one of the midwives and hope she's the one.  Don't worry, I have questions to ask.  But, I'm really hoping she's the one & I don't have to have fragmented care for the rest of my pregnancy.  My current midwife says the one I will see first is most like her.  Fingers are crossed!

And, I need a doula.  Oh do I need a doula.  This will be hard.  I know many of the doulas.  I definitely know my top choices (as in know them personally, know their kid's names, have known them for a more than a year).  I am worried.  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  I don't want them to not want me as a client.  What if I'm difficult?  How do I even think about starting?  I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I'm giving my husband the decision.

Am I ready to VBAC?  I sure hope so.  But, doubt is creeping it's ugly head into my life.  I hate that demon.  Hate it.  I'm trying to get rid of that fear.  I'm just afraid of failure.  Afraid I won't VBAC.  Afraid I can't.  Fear.  Doubt.  GET OUT OF MY LIFE!  I just have to remind myself...every single freaking day...my body was designed to give birth.  I CAN DO THIS!  If for some reason, I have a c-section, it will not be because I didn't try.  Not that I didn't try the first time, there were just things I could have done differently.

Then, the 'if only's' start.  And, that's where I try try try not to give myself a guilt trip over the last pregnancy, but try to use it as motivation for this pregnancy.

If only I wasn't pre-eclamptic...so, much much less stress this pregnancy, better diet (of course this is an ongoing battle), more water, more exercise (I really think I've already exercised more this pregnancy than I did the entire 40 weeks of the first).

If only I didn't gain 60 pounds...okay, see above.  I'm working on it.

If only my baby wasn't asynclitic...exercise, exercise, exercise.  I'm doing lunges & squats out the whazoo, but could be doing more.

So, I face the 'if onlys' and try to get them out of my life.  This pregnancy is different.  This birth will be different.  I am a different person.

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