17 weeks, 4 days

In just a few weeks, I'll be almost halfway through this pregnancy.  Frankly, that freaks me out.  I don't know if I'm ready.  Okay, I know I'm not ready.

My midwife is retiring in 6 weeks! SIX WEEKS! I have over 20 weeks left.

I need a new midwife. I've had the unfair advantage of knowing all of my providers before they were my providers (nurse perks), but now there are THREE new midwives at our hospital.  Three? I don't have the time to interview three. So, after my next appointment, I'm just going to see one of the midwives and hope she's the one.  Don't worry, I have questions to ask.  But, I'm really hoping she's the one & I don't have to have fragmented care for the rest of my pregnancy.  My current midwife says the one I will see first is most like her.  Fingers are crossed!

And, I need a doula.  Oh do I need a doula.  This will be hard.  I know many of the doulas.  I definitely know my top choices (as in know them personally, know their kid's names, have known them for a more than a year).  I am worried.  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  I don't want them to not want me as a client.  What if I'm difficult?  How do I even think about starting?  I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I'm giving my husband the decision.

Am I ready to VBAC?  I sure hope so.  But, doubt is creeping it's ugly head into my life.  I hate that demon.  Hate it.  I'm trying to get rid of that fear.  I'm just afraid of failure.  Afraid I won't VBAC.  Afraid I can't.  Fear.  Doubt.  GET OUT OF MY LIFE!  I just have to remind myself...every single freaking day...my body was designed to give birth.  I CAN DO THIS!  If for some reason, I have a c-section, it will not be because I didn't try.  Not that I didn't try the first time, there were just things I could have done differently.

Then, the 'if only's' start.  And, that's where I try try try not to give myself a guilt trip over the last pregnancy, but try to use it as motivation for this pregnancy.

If only I wasn't pre-eclamptic...so, much much less stress this pregnancy, better diet (of course this is an ongoing battle), more water, more exercise (I really think I've already exercised more this pregnancy than I did the entire 40 weeks of the first).

If only I didn't gain 60 pounds...okay, see above.  I'm working on it.

If only my baby wasn't asynclitic...exercise, exercise, exercise.  I'm doing lunges & squats out the whazoo, but could be doing more.

So, I face the 'if onlys' and try to get them out of my life.  This pregnancy is different.  This birth will be different.  I am a different person.

I Have a Big Girl

Well, my daughter is officially a big girl.  She hasn't had milk in over a week....I think.  I've heard so many weaning stories and most of them end with the mom not exactly remember the last time she nursed.  Mine's exactly the same.  We were down to once every couple of days, and now it's been about a week.  She still asks for it, but she's not begging for it.  Tonight, she just said that she wanted milk and I said there wasn't any, to which she laughed a little bit and rolled over.  The past couple of times she's asked that's how it's been.

Even though it wasn't 100% child-led weaning, I'm 100% comfortable with how it went (or how it's going, just in case it's not over!).  I think it happened very gently and with so much love.  It was very gradual.  However, she was really getting to where she only asked every few days, so even without my Encouragement, we were headed there.

I could have nursed forever...had I had milk and it didn't hurt.  It was easy.  It was lazy.  It was the miracle drug.  If she was sleepy, it woke her up.  If she was cranky, it made her happy.  If she was exhausted, it eased her into a peaceful slumber.  If she was having a tantrum, it instantly calmed her.  Nothing even comes close to the miracle-ness of breastmilk! Not that I'm bashing formula, but try finding a formula that does that!

In other news, the big girl now pretty much goes to sleep on her own!  We broke down and let her start watching movies to fall asleep.  We started Saturday.  I worked Saturday.  Greg put a movie in (in our room, we haven't decided to get a TV/DVD player for her room yet).  It took a while Saturday night, but she finally gave it up.  Sunday, she was in bed by 8pm, alseep by 8:45 (of course, I was at work & didn't get to enjoy this).  Last night, Monday, she went to bed about 8:30pm.  It took about 2 hours, but I didn't stay in the room with her.  Greg & I were trying to watch a movie, but I should've just stayed in there.  Tonight, I read her some books then started the movie.  We were both asleep in about 30 minutes.  Greg came in there about 9:15pm (we went in there about 8pm) and woke me up, but I'm pretty sure we were out around 8:30pm.  We're making progress!

And in baby news, I feel like I'm getting huge! I'm now 16 weeks....and 4 days to be exact!  I had some yucky upper respiratory infection that I FINALLY got rid of after about 2 weeks.  I start prenatal yoga tomorrow, so I'm very excited about that!