As I contemplate the events of the past few years, and especially the event that happened almost 3 weeks, I am overwhelmed with emotion. I still can't believe this happened to me. I still can't believe I did it!
Since the birth of my daughter, I knew I would VBAC (well, shortly after her birth). I sought out to learn everything I could about VBAC. I found a provider who would support VBAC. When we got pregnant, I was excited to learn our baby was due in April....Cesarean Awareness Month.
Because this pregnancy was VERY planned (I know the exact day I ovulated and the exact day I conceived). I was nursing my daughter "still" and I knew I was pregnant at about 3 weeks (about 1 week before I missed a period). I just felt different. I was very excited, but didn't want to get my hopes up. I had only had 5 periods since I got pregnant with my daughter over 3 years before. I could've been wrong, but I didn't think so.
This pregnancy was completely different than my first, from the start. For one, I was so nauseous for the first 13 weeks. At first I was just nauseous. Horribly nauseous. Then, about 8 or 9 weeks, I started throwing up. I threw up at the drop of a hat. If I coughed, I'd vomit. If I swallowed something wrong, I'd throw up.
I failed my 1 hour glucose test. While I thought about refusing all glucose testing, I knew that because I am overweight, it'd constantly be an issue. I wanted to prove people wrong. I passed the 3 hour glucose test with flying colors.
I was doing 24 hour urine tests (to rule out pre-eclampsia) every trimester. I was eating (and drinking) completely differently. I exercised. I felt great! I loved being pregnant. I even told a couple people I wanted to be pregnant until 42 weeks. I was in school and needed more time!
As my "due" date approached, I hired a doula. I started taking evening primrose oil and drinking red raspberry leaf tea. As the date got closer and closer, I began doing more and more things to help kick start labor. I got a massage using aromatherapy and pressure points that are supposed to start labor. Many people talked to the baby, asking him to come out. I ate pineapple, Chinese food, Mexican food, and Italian food (eggplant & chicken parmesean). We had sex. I walked. I did squats. We used aromatherapy and pressure points. I pumped. I bounced on my exercise ball. I went to a chiropractor. I went to a chiropractor who specialized in needle-less acupuncture. We had a date night, we had a date day. I drank wine. I listened to hypnosis. I soaked in a bath. I read non-birth books. I TRIED to relax. I took naps.
As I approached 42 weeks, we decided (my midwife and I) to schedule an induction. My induction was scheduled for the day I would be 42 weeks. My husband & I arrived at the hospital early. Pitocin was started at around 8 am. Because I was GBS positive, I needed antibiotics. My midwife was not going to check me until I had my second dose of antibiotics (which would be around 3pm). I was on the pitocin all day. I was contracting about every 3 minutes, but they were not painful. I managed. At 3, I was 5 cm dilated. So, we kept going. Things got a little more intense around 6. I texted my doula and told her we might need her. She said she'd get some dinner and come to the hospital then. Our families showed up around 6 (with our daughter) and things stopped. My contractions really stopped, even though I was still on pitocin. As a side note (and I really hope I don't offend anyone here, but this is my honest birth story)...I really didn't want anyone there. I was worried about people "waiting" on my during my labor & birth. Despite me saying it was okay for everyone to show up, I think it still made me anxious. I got out of my groove.
Around 7 or so, my midwife checked me. I was about 6 cm, but my midwife thought my cervix was more posterior than before. We kept going with the pitocin. I would be checked again around midnight. At midnight, I was checked and I was still 6 cm. We decided to turn the pitocin off and rest. I felt bad for calling my doula so soon. Now, she was at the hospital and I wasn't even in labor. She did encourage us to rest some. I was very grateful for that. I would've kept going and going without her encouragement to rest.
About 2 am or so, we turned the pitocin back on. It really wasn't doing a whole lot this time. I started having some contractions, but not like the day before. I should say that I moved the whole time I was in labor. I walked a lot. I did some half-squats and half-lunges. I did hands & knees. I did pelvic tilts. I bounced on the ball. I took baths. It was an amazing difference from being in bed for an entire labor!
My midwife came and checked me about 3 am. I was till 6 cm. We said we'd check again about 6. At 6 am, I was still 6 cm. At that point, I told my doula I was bored. I was ready to do something. If it had been the week before, I would have just gone home, but I was 42 weeks and 1 day pregnant at this point. I was so ready to have a baby in my arms.
So, about 5 am, my midwife broke my water. (I thought it was 6, but my doula said 5, but it was just 1 hour) Just like with Addison, my contractions became very intense. I got back in the tub. I got out. I sat on the ball. I begged for pain medication. I did get one dose of Nubain. Around 6:30am, I started BEGGING for an epidural. It was incredibly intense. I started just saying I thought I wanted an epidural. After every contraction, I would beg a little more. My husband and doula knew I really didn't want one, so they really just ignored me!
Shortly after 7am, my midwife and day nurse came in. I had an urge to push. I couldn't help it. My midwife checked me then and said I was 9cm, completely effaced, and plus one station. I knew I would never believe my VBAC would be possible until I passed the point where I was in my last birth. I knew that getting past a zero station would be the hurdle I needed to cross. I couldn't NOT push at this point, so I just pushed and pushed. And pushed. I pushed in the tub. At some point in the tub, my husband said he had to go for a walk to stretch his legs. I thought it was odd, as he NEVER had said that during the previous 24 hours. He had been right there, with me or very nearby. I briefly thought, people are here. Then, I MADE myself quit thinking about that. I willed that thought out of my mind. I kept pushing. I pushed on hands & knees. Unfortunately, the most comfortable pushing position was on my back. It felt like I had constant sacral pressure and it helped with back pain so much.
Everything is so clear. I remember pushing. I remember being aware. I love that. I hope I remember it forever. I asked for a mirror to watch. I really think it helped. So I watched. At some point, I asked my midwife about the ring of fire. She said I should be feeling it at the moment. I said it wasn't that bad then. Then, with the next contraction, well, THAT WAS THE RING OF FIRE!!! Wow! But, for some reason, it actually felt good. Yes, it hurt like crazy. But, 2 things happened at that moment, at the moment I felt that extreme burning, fiery sensation. Physically, it took so much of the pain off of my back. Just not having the back pain was a welcome relief. More importantly, that ring of fire felt good because it was a very emotional and psychological turning point in my labor. I knew this baby was coming out of my vagina. I knew there was no turning back.
After FIVE hours of pushing, my beautiful baby boy was born! My midwife made sure his head & shoulders were out, then my husband caught our little baby and placed him on my belly. Sweet relief! It was an instant high! I can not even begin to explain how incredibly amazing I felt. He had a short cord, so I couldn't really see him (he only made it to my belly). Once the cord was done pulsing, my midwife cut the cord so I could finally see my little boy. He was (and still is) so beautiful.
Unfortunately, I had some bleeding after this baby (I had severe postpartum hemorrhage after Addison). We did skin to skin until I felt dizzy. My placenta was just not coming out. At some point, I asked (okay, maybe I told him) to take his shirt off. He and baby C did skin to skin while my midwife called the on-call physician. As they encouraged me to push (I kept saying my push button was not working any more!) my placenta out, my boys got to bond. I was feeling incredibly dizzy, but still very jealous of their bonding time. Eventually, my stubborn placenta came out.
The next few hours I spent trying to sit up, getting dizzy, laying down, riding the incredibly embarrassing lift machine to the bathroom (oh, and I was completely naked!), trying to pee, riding the machine back to bed, eating dinner, sleeping, just trying to feel better. After about 4 hours, I felt much better. I walked to bathroom with only a little bit of help from my husband.
It took a few days to not feel the pounding in my head when I stood up. From experience, I know this happens when I bleed a little bit.
It also took a few days to not cry everytime I thought about what I had done. I was so amazed at myself and what my body could do. I realize VBAC isn't for everyone and not everyone who wants to VBAC gets a VBAC. I am amazed at what I accomplished, at my determination, my strength. I am amazed at what I can do when I put my mind to it!
Showing posts with label birth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth. Show all posts
Monday, July 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Almost 4 years later...
Because I need to write my birth story, it's going to be hard to write without talking about my daughter's birth. Her birth (and I did not give birth to her, she was extracted from my body) changed me forever. Here is how I recall it....
As with any VBAC birth story, this birth was ONLY the way it was because of my first "birth" story. Since I'm not really sure I've ever written my first birth story, I'll share the short version of it. I was induced at 39 weeks & 4 days with pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure had been creeping up. The weekend before my induction, I had a really bad headache. I knew the time was coming. I must also say during my pregnancy I was very unhealthy. I had a very stressful job (I was a manager of a busy busy nursing unit). I worked long hours. I took little time for myself. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. My doctor did discuss my diet with me, but I thought it was because she was concerned about my weight. I thought she wanted me to limit my weight gain. So, I really ignored her advice (eat a high protein diet, nothing to drink except black coffee, unsweetened tea, milk, or water). I didn't exercise, except for the few prenatal yoga classes I took starting at about 32 weeks. According to my Bishop's score (I was 4 cm, 90% effaced, and minus 1 station), I had a favorable cervix. I should have had a "successful" induction. After discussing the plan with my doctor, we would use cytotec to induce. I know, I know. However, this was 4 years ago. The plan was for me to have 1 or 2 doses of cytotec and then labor on my own. Our plan was to not have to start pitocin. After my appointment, with my headache, high blood pressure, and protein in my urine, we were sent home to get our things. My husband & I went to eat some lunch then headed to the hospital. My mom was there before we were. We were all very excited!
At about 1:30pm, the first dose of cytotec was placed. I started contracting about every 5 minutes. My contractions were not painful at all. My doctor (and I) decided to break my water. Almost immediately the contractions became unbearable. Unfortunately, at the same time, I was placed on magnesium sulfate for my pre-eclampsia. I was stuck in bed. This was not in my plan. However, I moved a lot. I was constantly rolling from side-to-side. And, my cervix was changing. Then, the pain became unbearable. I first had a dose of Nubain. After about 3 hours, I was begging for my epidural. I think I was about 7 cm dilated and it was about 11 pm. The epidural was instant relief. My family & my husband's family came in to visit (they had been there the entire time). We really thought I'd have a baby soon.
But, with the epidural my movement stopped. When my movement stopped, my contractions stopped. My cervix stopped changing. At some point in the night, pitocin was started. Eventually, I was completely dilated, but with no urge to push. I think this was around 8 am. But, I pushed. I pushed in hands & knees, using the squatting bar, and on my back. I pushed with all my might. I pushed for 2 and a half hours. I did not move my daughter at all after 2 and a half hours. I was exhausted. I begged for a vacuum (she was too high...never got past 0 station). Finally, my doctor said it was up to me, but she didn't think I'd move her any more. She said I could go ahead & push for another hour or so, but I probably wouldn't get her any lower than where she was. At this point, I decided a c-section was what would be best. But, before we went to the OR, my doctor told me I would VBAC with my next baby. I didn't believe her. I didn't believe there would EVER be another baby.
My c-section was awful. While I did not feel pain, I had post-partum hemorrhage. I lost a lot of blood. That's what happens when you have magnesium, an epidural, pitocin, and you've pushed for 2.5 hours. Throughout my post-partum stay (over the next four days), I would receive Hespan (a starch that is supposed to thicken your blood...I think) and 4 units of blood. My hematocrit and hemoglobin dropped to dangerously low levels. It took me 48 hours to even get out of bed. I could not care for my daughter. I could not breastfeed. I couldn't use the bathroom by myself. I needed so much help.
As my doctor was discharging me, she told me again that I would VBAC with my next baby. Yeah, right. There won't be a next baby, is all I could think. She told me used 2 layers of sutures, just because she knew I'd want to VBAC.
I went home feeling awful. We had such a hard time caring for our precious daughter. I was having a horrible time breastfeeding (never really got that under control until she was about 2 months old). Then, I got depressed, really depressed. Not so much as in how some people have depression, but I was depressed about my birth. I knew very soon that I was not happy with my birth experience. I felt like I missed out on something, something very important, something very valuable.
At this point, I started searching for a c-section support group. I googled "c-section support group" and that's how I found ICAN. Of course, there wasn't an ICAN chapter nearby, but I found support immediately. This was a group of women who completely understood how I felt. They got it. I loved my daughter with all my heart and soul (although bonding was difficult), but I did not love the way she was brought into this world. I think it's very similar to having a horrible wedding day, but still loving your spouse. Just because the day doesn't go as planned, doesn't mean you don't love the outcome.
Slowly, I realized I would VBAC my next baby. Then, I started an ICAN chapter in my area. I became educated and empowered. I learned more about birth, c-sections, and VBAC during the next few years than some learn in their whole life. I was dedicated to having better birth outcomes.
I still do not feel completely healed from my c-section. I am sad beyond belief that I missed out on such an important time in my daughter's life. I am sad that I was not the relaxed parent that I am now. I really feel like I missed out on so much just because of my c-section.
As with any VBAC birth story, this birth was ONLY the way it was because of my first "birth" story. Since I'm not really sure I've ever written my first birth story, I'll share the short version of it. I was induced at 39 weeks & 4 days with pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure had been creeping up. The weekend before my induction, I had a really bad headache. I knew the time was coming. I must also say during my pregnancy I was very unhealthy. I had a very stressful job (I was a manager of a busy busy nursing unit). I worked long hours. I took little time for myself. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. My doctor did discuss my diet with me, but I thought it was because she was concerned about my weight. I thought she wanted me to limit my weight gain. So, I really ignored her advice (eat a high protein diet, nothing to drink except black coffee, unsweetened tea, milk, or water). I didn't exercise, except for the few prenatal yoga classes I took starting at about 32 weeks. According to my Bishop's score (I was 4 cm, 90% effaced, and minus 1 station), I had a favorable cervix. I should have had a "successful" induction. After discussing the plan with my doctor, we would use cytotec to induce. I know, I know. However, this was 4 years ago. The plan was for me to have 1 or 2 doses of cytotec and then labor on my own. Our plan was to not have to start pitocin. After my appointment, with my headache, high blood pressure, and protein in my urine, we were sent home to get our things. My husband & I went to eat some lunch then headed to the hospital. My mom was there before we were. We were all very excited!
At about 1:30pm, the first dose of cytotec was placed. I started contracting about every 5 minutes. My contractions were not painful at all. My doctor (and I) decided to break my water. Almost immediately the contractions became unbearable. Unfortunately, at the same time, I was placed on magnesium sulfate for my pre-eclampsia. I was stuck in bed. This was not in my plan. However, I moved a lot. I was constantly rolling from side-to-side. And, my cervix was changing. Then, the pain became unbearable. I first had a dose of Nubain. After about 3 hours, I was begging for my epidural. I think I was about 7 cm dilated and it was about 11 pm. The epidural was instant relief. My family & my husband's family came in to visit (they had been there the entire time). We really thought I'd have a baby soon.
But, with the epidural my movement stopped. When my movement stopped, my contractions stopped. My cervix stopped changing. At some point in the night, pitocin was started. Eventually, I was completely dilated, but with no urge to push. I think this was around 8 am. But, I pushed. I pushed in hands & knees, using the squatting bar, and on my back. I pushed with all my might. I pushed for 2 and a half hours. I did not move my daughter at all after 2 and a half hours. I was exhausted. I begged for a vacuum (she was too high...never got past 0 station). Finally, my doctor said it was up to me, but she didn't think I'd move her any more. She said I could go ahead & push for another hour or so, but I probably wouldn't get her any lower than where she was. At this point, I decided a c-section was what would be best. But, before we went to the OR, my doctor told me I would VBAC with my next baby. I didn't believe her. I didn't believe there would EVER be another baby.
My c-section was awful. While I did not feel pain, I had post-partum hemorrhage. I lost a lot of blood. That's what happens when you have magnesium, an epidural, pitocin, and you've pushed for 2.5 hours. Throughout my post-partum stay (over the next four days), I would receive Hespan (a starch that is supposed to thicken your blood...I think) and 4 units of blood. My hematocrit and hemoglobin dropped to dangerously low levels. It took me 48 hours to even get out of bed. I could not care for my daughter. I could not breastfeed. I couldn't use the bathroom by myself. I needed so much help.
As my doctor was discharging me, she told me again that I would VBAC with my next baby. Yeah, right. There won't be a next baby, is all I could think. She told me used 2 layers of sutures, just because she knew I'd want to VBAC.
I went home feeling awful. We had such a hard time caring for our precious daughter. I was having a horrible time breastfeeding (never really got that under control until she was about 2 months old). Then, I got depressed, really depressed. Not so much as in how some people have depression, but I was depressed about my birth. I knew very soon that I was not happy with my birth experience. I felt like I missed out on something, something very important, something very valuable.
At this point, I started searching for a c-section support group. I googled "c-section support group" and that's how I found ICAN. Of course, there wasn't an ICAN chapter nearby, but I found support immediately. This was a group of women who completely understood how I felt. They got it. I loved my daughter with all my heart and soul (although bonding was difficult), but I did not love the way she was brought into this world. I think it's very similar to having a horrible wedding day, but still loving your spouse. Just because the day doesn't go as planned, doesn't mean you don't love the outcome.
Slowly, I realized I would VBAC my next baby. Then, I started an ICAN chapter in my area. I became educated and empowered. I learned more about birth, c-sections, and VBAC during the next few years than some learn in their whole life. I was dedicated to having better birth outcomes.
I still do not feel completely healed from my c-section. I am sad beyond belief that I missed out on such an important time in my daughter's life. I am sad that I was not the relaxed parent that I am now. I really feel like I missed out on so much just because of my c-section.
Friday, April 29, 2011
41 weeks
Well, I never thought I'd make it to 41 weeks. Never. Ever. It's annoying that I'm still pregnant, but I know I should enjoy each and every second of this miracle. It'll more than likely be the last time I'm ever pregnant, so I need to cherish it.
I woke up really crampy today, having some contractions. I thought it might be a good thing. I spoke it, then it disappeared. Guess I won't be live-tweeting-my-birth! It seems like every time I say something about what might be happening, my uterus gets all shy on me. I did have an NST today, which was beautiful if I must say so myself.
I have another appointment on Monday with my midwife. I do "officially" have an induction scheduled for next Friday, when I'm 42 weeks. Part of me thinks I'll be doing the induction, part of me doesn't. At this point, I really have no idea. I'm thinking of having my midwife check me & maybe strip my membranes on Monday. Just want to give things a kick start....I don't know though.
It is quite satisfying to tell people my due date WAS last Friday and I don't know what I'm dilated to. I love it. I love that my midwife trusts me and my body so much. She's not getting worked up about anything. She wanted to know how long I was comfortable being pregnant. It's really quite empowering. Everyone should have the opportunity to receive care like I've received this pregnancy. It's amazing. And, I had a really really awesome OB when I was pregnant with my daughter. There's just something different about the way a midwife takes care of you...but that's a whole other post!
I woke up really crampy today, having some contractions. I thought it might be a good thing. I spoke it, then it disappeared. Guess I won't be live-tweeting-my-birth! It seems like every time I say something about what might be happening, my uterus gets all shy on me. I did have an NST today, which was beautiful if I must say so myself.
I have another appointment on Monday with my midwife. I do "officially" have an induction scheduled for next Friday, when I'm 42 weeks. Part of me thinks I'll be doing the induction, part of me doesn't. At this point, I really have no idea. I'm thinking of having my midwife check me & maybe strip my membranes on Monday. Just want to give things a kick start....I don't know though.
It is quite satisfying to tell people my due date WAS last Friday and I don't know what I'm dilated to. I love it. I love that my midwife trusts me and my body so much. She's not getting worked up about anything. She wanted to know how long I was comfortable being pregnant. It's really quite empowering. Everyone should have the opportunity to receive care like I've received this pregnancy. It's amazing. And, I had a really really awesome OB when I was pregnant with my daughter. There's just something different about the way a midwife takes care of you...but that's a whole other post!
Monday, April 25, 2011
40 weeks, 3 days
I never thought I'd be pregnant this long. I don't know why I thought I'd have a baby before now, I just did. But, I also have had a fear of NOT GOING INTO LABOR. So many people (okay, the ones who don't know about VBAC safety) have asked if I'm scared of labor. No. My answer is always no. I know the statistics, I know VBAC is safe. I know (in real life and form twitter-land and facebook) so many people who have had successful VBACs. I know it's a safer option for me.
So, I am afraid I won't go into labor. I've had contractions off and on (nothing painful, some uncomfortable though) for a few weeks now. It's annoying. I'll start having contractions, start timing them, then they quit. I've tried NOT timing them & the damn things still quit. I've had no bloody show, no mucous plug, no diarrhea, and no nesting. Nothing. Just these annoying little contractions. And I've experienced both a full moon AND a huge drop in the barometric pressure (both are believed to cause some to go in to labor...as a former L&D nurse and current high-risk OB nurse, I hate working on full moons and when it's raining).
We've tried everything....evening primrose oil, red raspberry leaf tea, natural prostaglandins & natural oxytocin, pineapple, chicken parmesan (I realize most people say eggplant, but I find eggplant parmesan to be so greasy and we have good, free-range, organic, fresh chicken available). I've gotten a 40-weeks and counting massage that focuses on pressure points to help with contractions and uses aromatherapy (specifically clary sage, lavender, and rose) that is supposed to help with labor. I've done a self-hypnosis podcast (which only resulted in my falling asleep, but it was a good sleep). I've done essentially private yoga classes (no one else showed up!!) that were focused around encouraging labor (a ton of squatting).
I'm officially giving up. Throwing in the towel. I meet with my midwife on Wednesday. I think I'm going to have her check my cervix (I will be 40 weeks & 5 days). And, I think I will schedule an induction for 41 weeks, 6 days. I'm quite sad I'm going to schedule an induction, but mentally I think it may help me "give up."
I know my chances of a successful VBAC decrease with induction. And they decrease after 40 weeks. So, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, right? I'm already past the 40 week mark. I want a healthy baby AND a healthy birth. And trust me, I want, more than anything, for this baby to be born from my vagina, not from an incision in my belly. For some reason, I'm not anxious about passing the 40 week mark and having a VBAC, I'm just not.
I still have some trust in my body. While my c-section took a lot of that trust away, breastfeeding and nourishing my daughter for nearly 3 1/2 years brought so much of that trust back. My body does work, the way it's supposed to. For now, I'm trusting, yet not really getting too excited about anything.
So, I am afraid I won't go into labor. I've had contractions off and on (nothing painful, some uncomfortable though) for a few weeks now. It's annoying. I'll start having contractions, start timing them, then they quit. I've tried NOT timing them & the damn things still quit. I've had no bloody show, no mucous plug, no diarrhea, and no nesting. Nothing. Just these annoying little contractions. And I've experienced both a full moon AND a huge drop in the barometric pressure (both are believed to cause some to go in to labor...as a former L&D nurse and current high-risk OB nurse, I hate working on full moons and when it's raining).
We've tried everything....evening primrose oil, red raspberry leaf tea, natural prostaglandins & natural oxytocin, pineapple, chicken parmesan (I realize most people say eggplant, but I find eggplant parmesan to be so greasy and we have good, free-range, organic, fresh chicken available). I've gotten a 40-weeks and counting massage that focuses on pressure points to help with contractions and uses aromatherapy (specifically clary sage, lavender, and rose) that is supposed to help with labor. I've done a self-hypnosis podcast (which only resulted in my falling asleep, but it was a good sleep). I've done essentially private yoga classes (no one else showed up!!) that were focused around encouraging labor (a ton of squatting).
I'm officially giving up. Throwing in the towel. I meet with my midwife on Wednesday. I think I'm going to have her check my cervix (I will be 40 weeks & 5 days). And, I think I will schedule an induction for 41 weeks, 6 days. I'm quite sad I'm going to schedule an induction, but mentally I think it may help me "give up."
I know my chances of a successful VBAC decrease with induction. And they decrease after 40 weeks. So, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, right? I'm already past the 40 week mark. I want a healthy baby AND a healthy birth. And trust me, I want, more than anything, for this baby to be born from my vagina, not from an incision in my belly. For some reason, I'm not anxious about passing the 40 week mark and having a VBAC, I'm just not.
I still have some trust in my body. While my c-section took a lot of that trust away, breastfeeding and nourishing my daughter for nearly 3 1/2 years brought so much of that trust back. My body does work, the way it's supposed to. For now, I'm trusting, yet not really getting too excited about anything.
Friday, April 15, 2011
39 weeks....blah! blah! blah!
I've been thinking this baby was coming for about the past week. It's getting old, old, old! I'm contracting, but nothing regular. Last night, I did start contracting fairly regularly, so I called into work. Then the contractions quit. This is truly testing my patience. Maybe if I wasn't VBACing I wouldn't be so worried/anxious/nervous/excited about this all. Actually, I'm NOT worried or anxious or nervous about labor starting, I'm more worried, anxious, and nervous about it NOT starting. I know my chances of having a successful VBAC are significantly increased if labor starts on its own. Now, don't ask me for the statistics, I just know I've read it in a million places.
And, it's hard to realize that IF I would've wanted a repeat c-section, today would be the day. Since most people do repeat c-sections at 39 weeks, today would be Baby C's birthday. But, that's okay, because who wants to be born ELECTIVELY on tax day? Surely not my child! Now, if he chooses, that's fine...besides since I've been married we've never actually filed our taxes on tax day (love those extensions, but that's a whole other story). It's just hard to know that.
Then, there's all the people posting on facebook about being induced around 39 weeks or right at 40 weeks. I am choosing not to be induced early (before 41 weeks) unless there is a problem. I am choosing to trust my body and be patient with it. I can do this. (I think I can do this!)
I'm also choosing to not be checked for dilation & effacement. With A, I was checked early and weekly. I was 4 centimeters starting the induction...and we all know how that ended. As a nurse, I've done plenty of inductions starting at closed/thick/high (closed & thick cervix, high baby) that ended in a vaginal birth the next day. Pre-labor cervical dilation tells you NOTHING about the outcome. I don't want to be disappointed in my cervix and I definitely don't want to get my hopes up about anything. I want contractions, regular contractions, to be a clue to my labor progress.
Yes, I am doing things a bit differently this time and I like it. It's against the "grain" so to speak. It's different than what a lot of my friends do, but I'm comfortable with it. I feel supported in my decisions.
I still am a little freaked out that this baby could very well come out of my vagina. While I know that's funny to think about, since it's the NORMAL way to be born, I'm so anxious to experience it. I'm so excited to VBAC, even to labor. I am so excited to do the work that millions of women before me have done. I'm excited to do the work that is actually threatened in our society today because of the alarming number of c-sections. And more importantly, I can't wait to hold my little guy. I can't wait to see his big sister meet him for the first time. I can't wait to become a family of four!
And, it's hard to realize that IF I would've wanted a repeat c-section, today would be the day. Since most people do repeat c-sections at 39 weeks, today would be Baby C's birthday. But, that's okay, because who wants to be born ELECTIVELY on tax day? Surely not my child! Now, if he chooses, that's fine...besides since I've been married we've never actually filed our taxes on tax day (love those extensions, but that's a whole other story). It's just hard to know that.
Then, there's all the people posting on facebook about being induced around 39 weeks or right at 40 weeks. I am choosing not to be induced early (before 41 weeks) unless there is a problem. I am choosing to trust my body and be patient with it. I can do this. (I think I can do this!)
I'm also choosing to not be checked for dilation & effacement. With A, I was checked early and weekly. I was 4 centimeters starting the induction...and we all know how that ended. As a nurse, I've done plenty of inductions starting at closed/thick/high (closed & thick cervix, high baby) that ended in a vaginal birth the next day. Pre-labor cervical dilation tells you NOTHING about the outcome. I don't want to be disappointed in my cervix and I definitely don't want to get my hopes up about anything. I want contractions, regular contractions, to be a clue to my labor progress.
Yes, I am doing things a bit differently this time and I like it. It's against the "grain" so to speak. It's different than what a lot of my friends do, but I'm comfortable with it. I feel supported in my decisions.
I still am a little freaked out that this baby could very well come out of my vagina. While I know that's funny to think about, since it's the NORMAL way to be born, I'm so anxious to experience it. I'm so excited to VBAC, even to labor. I am so excited to do the work that millions of women before me have done. I'm excited to do the work that is actually threatened in our society today because of the alarming number of c-sections. And more importantly, I can't wait to hold my little guy. I can't wait to see his big sister meet him for the first time. I can't wait to become a family of four!
Monday, March 21, 2011
35 weeks and counting
Sometimes I wonder how on earth I got to be 35 weeks pregnant! This pregnancy has totally flown by. Well, minus the first 13 weeks when I was incredibly nauseous. I guess I've just been super busy this pregnancy. And, it's really amazing how having a child can distract you. Not that I don't care about this pregnancy and this baby, it's just that my current child requires a lot of my attention. That and, oh, yeah, school. I'm working way less this pregnancy than the last pregnancy, but that makes me a very very happy momma. My stress level is way less this pregnancy, despite having some stressful situations. This pregnancy has just been different.
I'm more active this pregnancy & I can tell a big difference. Not only have I been doing yoga since 16 weeks this pregnancy (started at about 32 weeks with first pregnancy). While I haven't walked in a long time, I have walked more this pregnancy than I walked the entire first pregnancy. In general, I'm just more active.
I have enjoyed this pregnancy more. It's sad to say, but I don't really want this pregnancy to end. I know I probably won't ever be pregnant again. I'm savoring every moment (except those first 13 weeks). I'm enjoying every kick. Sleepless nights don't bother me so much. I love the crazy kicks this baby gives me. While I can't wait to meet him, I'm loving being a pregnant momma.
So, yeah, this pregnancy has FLOWN by! I'm really working on pregnancy affirmations right now. I know it may sound corny, but I have to do this. I think labor is going to be as much a mental battle as a physical journey. I am planning a VBAC and I have to wrap my mind around the fact my body can and will do this (when it's ready). I think about the absolutely perfect timing of this pregnancy. Absolutely perfect. And, I know that he will come when the timing is absolutely perfect. When my body feels safe and secure. I will be surrounded by those people who support me. I know that people who aren't there will be supporting me in their own way.
I'm still working through a bunch of emotional stuff right now. Hopefully, my mind will be settled and peaceful when this baby arrives. I need comfort. Until then, I will wait patiently for my perfectly timed baby.
I'm more active this pregnancy & I can tell a big difference. Not only have I been doing yoga since 16 weeks this pregnancy (started at about 32 weeks with first pregnancy). While I haven't walked in a long time, I have walked more this pregnancy than I walked the entire first pregnancy. In general, I'm just more active.
I have enjoyed this pregnancy more. It's sad to say, but I don't really want this pregnancy to end. I know I probably won't ever be pregnant again. I'm savoring every moment (except those first 13 weeks). I'm enjoying every kick. Sleepless nights don't bother me so much. I love the crazy kicks this baby gives me. While I can't wait to meet him, I'm loving being a pregnant momma.
So, yeah, this pregnancy has FLOWN by! I'm really working on pregnancy affirmations right now. I know it may sound corny, but I have to do this. I think labor is going to be as much a mental battle as a physical journey. I am planning a VBAC and I have to wrap my mind around the fact my body can and will do this (when it's ready). I think about the absolutely perfect timing of this pregnancy. Absolutely perfect. And, I know that he will come when the timing is absolutely perfect. When my body feels safe and secure. I will be surrounded by those people who support me. I know that people who aren't there will be supporting me in their own way.
I'm still working through a bunch of emotional stuff right now. Hopefully, my mind will be settled and peaceful when this baby arrives. I need comfort. Until then, I will wait patiently for my perfectly timed baby.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Why I Chose to Breastfeed
Welcome to The Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival!
This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe's Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on The Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today's post is about Importance of Breastfeeding. Please read the other blogs in today's carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!
I've been a little SWAMPED with school, so I didn't post the previous two days. Here's what you missed:
Wordless Wednesday...ironically, I have two pictures of myself breastfeeding. TWO! And, they're both mostly head shots of me. One is at a restaurant and you can only see my face. The other is an extremely adorable picture of my daughter's head and me. Her foot is up on my chest. That's it. Maybe with baby #2, I'll be brave enough to take more pictures!
Yesterday's Carnival post should have been about how my birth experience impacted nursing...
I really thought I had written about my "birth." I guess I have not shared that here. But, that goes along with the importance of breastfeeding and why I chose (and committed fully) to nursing my daughter.
When I was pregnant, and even before, I knew I'd nurse. I have an awesome sister-in-law who was an excellent example. She nursed her first daughter for a year. It could be done. Women in Oklahoma do breastfeed for more than 6 weeks!
Then I got pregnant. I did not take breastfeeding classes. I thought I knew it all (yeah, right!). No one prepared me for how hard breastfeeding is. It's truly an art. Then came A's birth. A. was born via c-section after 24 hours of labor (induction for pre-eclampsia) and 2.5 hours (included in the 24 hours) of pushing. I was devastated. Heartbroken. Fortunately, I had the most awesome nurse, who, despite my post-partum hemorrhage (the real deal, lots and lots and lots of blood) got Addison to latch on. Not only did she did A. to latch on within, probably, less than 1 hour from her birth, she did so as I was actively bleeding. That simple act helped me so much. The bond was formed. The connection was made.
The next 48 hours were a totally different story. I got 2 units of Hespan (a starch that is used as a volume expander...trying to avoiding getting blood), was on Magnesium Sulfate, was out of it, and got 2 units of blood. My blood pressure was 140s/40s...for real. That's because my hemoglobin dropped dramatically. I felt awful. A. got very little, if any, of my milk in that first 48 hours. Daddy (and the entire family) learned to syringe feed (formula) during this time.
At 48 hours, I went to the mom/baby unit. I struggled over the next 48 hours. I got 2 more units of blood. I saw every lactation consultant (almost) employed at the hospital. I pumped. I resigned myself to being okay with formula and breastfeeding. My nurses (who happened to be my employees, as I was their manager) comforted me, consoled me, told me formula was okay. I was heartbroken.
But, somewhere...maybe the ride home...maybe the first morning we woke up to a room full of bottles...I don't really know.....somewhere though, it hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I did NOT have the birth I wanted. In fact, I despised the way my daughter was born. I felt respected. I loved (and still do) my OB. She was so awesome and encouraging and supportive. She told me I'd VBAC next time. So, it had nothing to do with the way I felt during surgery. I hated my recovery. I hated having MY child cut from me. So, I decided I would NOT give up on breastfeeding.
Then, I had milk supply issues. Huge issues. As in, my milk didn't "come in" for 2 weeks. For 2 weeks, I breastfed, pumped, and fed A. formula. No wonder I was exhausted and had a horrible recovery. I was always feeding or preparing to feed my daughter! When I saw my OB at my 2 week visit, I nearly begged for her permission to quit breastfeeding. After all, I thought, if she thought it was okay, it would be okay. Well, she told me it would be okay...but to keep breastfeeding. Grrr, not what I wanted to hear. But, I did not want to disappoint her. Or myself. Or my daughter. (Probably in reverse order!)
Little A did not get the birth she deserved. She would get the food she deserved. So I nursed. And nursed. I took fenugreek (per my OB's recommendation). At about 6 weeks, it all sunk in. Nursing was suddenly easy. I vowed quitting at any time, was still indeed quitting. And I vowed never to quit. (On a side note, I think it's okay to quit at 3 years...where we are now!)
Other than psychologically mending my relationship with my daughter...it has helped her health. She has been a healthy little girl. Compared to my nephews, who only got a little breast milk (less than 1 week), she is absolutely healthy!
And, I'm frugal. And green. Think of all the money I saved! And water!
And, that, is how breastfeeding became so important to me.
Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added throughout the day.
This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe's Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on The Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today's post is about Importance of Breastfeeding. Please read the other blogs in today's carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!
I've been a little SWAMPED with school, so I didn't post the previous two days. Here's what you missed:
Wordless Wednesday...ironically, I have two pictures of myself breastfeeding. TWO! And, they're both mostly head shots of me. One is at a restaurant and you can only see my face. The other is an extremely adorable picture of my daughter's head and me. Her foot is up on my chest. That's it. Maybe with baby #2, I'll be brave enough to take more pictures!
Yesterday's Carnival post should have been about how my birth experience impacted nursing...
I really thought I had written about my "birth." I guess I have not shared that here. But, that goes along with the importance of breastfeeding and why I chose (and committed fully) to nursing my daughter.
When I was pregnant, and even before, I knew I'd nurse. I have an awesome sister-in-law who was an excellent example. She nursed her first daughter for a year. It could be done. Women in Oklahoma do breastfeed for more than 6 weeks!
Then I got pregnant. I did not take breastfeeding classes. I thought I knew it all (yeah, right!). No one prepared me for how hard breastfeeding is. It's truly an art. Then came A's birth. A. was born via c-section after 24 hours of labor (induction for pre-eclampsia) and 2.5 hours (included in the 24 hours) of pushing. I was devastated. Heartbroken. Fortunately, I had the most awesome nurse, who, despite my post-partum hemorrhage (the real deal, lots and lots and lots of blood) got Addison to latch on. Not only did she did A. to latch on within, probably, less than 1 hour from her birth, she did so as I was actively bleeding. That simple act helped me so much. The bond was formed. The connection was made.
The next 48 hours were a totally different story. I got 2 units of Hespan (a starch that is used as a volume expander...trying to avoiding getting blood), was on Magnesium Sulfate, was out of it, and got 2 units of blood. My blood pressure was 140s/40s...for real. That's because my hemoglobin dropped dramatically. I felt awful. A. got very little, if any, of my milk in that first 48 hours. Daddy (and the entire family) learned to syringe feed (formula) during this time.
At 48 hours, I went to the mom/baby unit. I struggled over the next 48 hours. I got 2 more units of blood. I saw every lactation consultant (almost) employed at the hospital. I pumped. I resigned myself to being okay with formula and breastfeeding. My nurses (who happened to be my employees, as I was their manager) comforted me, consoled me, told me formula was okay. I was heartbroken.
But, somewhere...maybe the ride home...maybe the first morning we woke up to a room full of bottles...I don't really know.....somewhere though, it hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I did NOT have the birth I wanted. In fact, I despised the way my daughter was born. I felt respected. I loved (and still do) my OB. She was so awesome and encouraging and supportive. She told me I'd VBAC next time. So, it had nothing to do with the way I felt during surgery. I hated my recovery. I hated having MY child cut from me. So, I decided I would NOT give up on breastfeeding.
Then, I had milk supply issues. Huge issues. As in, my milk didn't "come in" for 2 weeks. For 2 weeks, I breastfed, pumped, and fed A. formula. No wonder I was exhausted and had a horrible recovery. I was always feeding or preparing to feed my daughter! When I saw my OB at my 2 week visit, I nearly begged for her permission to quit breastfeeding. After all, I thought, if she thought it was okay, it would be okay. Well, she told me it would be okay...but to keep breastfeeding. Grrr, not what I wanted to hear. But, I did not want to disappoint her. Or myself. Or my daughter. (Probably in reverse order!)
Little A did not get the birth she deserved. She would get the food she deserved. So I nursed. And nursed. I took fenugreek (per my OB's recommendation). At about 6 weeks, it all sunk in. Nursing was suddenly easy. I vowed quitting at any time, was still indeed quitting. And I vowed never to quit. (On a side note, I think it's okay to quit at 3 years...where we are now!)
Other than psychologically mending my relationship with my daughter...it has helped her health. She has been a healthy little girl. Compared to my nephews, who only got a little breast milk (less than 1 week), she is absolutely healthy!
And, I'm frugal. And green. Think of all the money I saved! And water!
And, that, is how breastfeeding became so important to me.
Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added throughout the day.
- Sylko @ Chaotic Mama—http://chaoticmama.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/breastfeeding-carnival-importance-of-breastfeeding/">Breastfeeding Carnival: Importance of Breastfeeding
- Sara @ The Covered Wagon—http://thecoveredwagon.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/nursing-a-food-allergic-child">Nursing a Food Allergic Child
- Shelly @ Lousy Mom—http://lousymom.com/content/importance-breastfeeding">Importance of breastfeeding
- Timbra @ Bosoms & Babes—http://bosoms-and-babes.blogspot.com/2010/07/importance-of-breastfeeding-carnival.htm">The best non-decision I ever made
- Shary @ Mama Fish—http://www.blog.sharylove.com/?p=193">Why Breast Milk is Best
- Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—http://wp.me/pDcm9-kQ">I Breastfeed For Me
- Lauren @ Hobo Mama—http://www.hobomama.com/2010/07/why-breastfeeding-is-important.html">Why breastfeeding is important
- Kate @ KateIsFun—http://kateisfun.blogspot.com/2010/07/importance-of-breastfeeding.html">The Importance of Breastfeeding
- Kaitlin Rose @ Bring Birth Home—http://bringbirthhome.com/breastfeeding/breastfeeding-came-naturally/">Breastfeeding Came Naturally
- Brooke @ Milk Maid Mamma—http://milkmaidmomma.blogspot.com/2010/07/why-i-chose-to-breastfeed.html">Why I Chose to Breastfeed
- Lexi @ Life as a Mommy—http://dennyandlexi.blogspot.com/2010/07/special-bonds.html">Special Bonds
- Whitney @ According to Waddlebug:The (Un)Balancing act of Motherhood—http://theunbalancingactofmotherhood.blogspot.com/2010/07/importance-of-breastfeeding.html">Importance of Breastfeeding
- Natasha @ naturalurbanmama—http://www.naturalurbanmama.com/2010/07/importance-of-breastfeeding-x-men-and.html">Importance of Breastfeeding:X-men and Faberge Shampoo
- Shelly @ Lousy Mom—http://lousymom.com/content/wheat-allergies-and-working">Wheat allergies and working
- And of course the guest poster on the Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is Jen Karsbaek—http://wp.me/pwUtv-j9">Breastfeeding Helps Me Love My Son
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Birth Dreams
Last night I had the most vivid birth dream ever. Ever. It was not the perfect birth, but the prettiest (okay, one of the prettiest) little girls was birthed out of my vagina! It so amazing. I think I woke up feeling all giddy...then I realized I've never pushed a baby out of my vagina.
In my dream, my midwife was gone or out of town or something (but it was the midwife I see now) and one of her partners was going to be with me for the birth. But, her partner had a midwifery student (which I'd be totally okay with). I remember getting to the hospital and I wasn't in a lot of pain. I felt like I needed to have a bowel movement and was a little uncomfortable. I remember wanting to walk a lot before I went to the hospital. I walked every where (this was even in my dream). So, when I got there, I told my husband and mom I was just going to go to the bathroom in the lobby. I knew I didn't want to get to the room, because they'd want to check. I even said something about if I push and a baby starts to come out, then we can go to the room.
Next thing I remember is laying on my left side and feeling a slight amount of pressure. I remember feeling the left side of my scar hurt ever so slightly, but I was not worried about rupture. Then, the midwife student draped me (ugh, I hated this part)...and yes, I was still in bed (not so fond of this part either). I pushed a couple of times (no counting or yelling) and out came a beautiful little girl with the curliest hair. I just kept saying "Oh my God, Oh my God." I even remembered thinking about women saying they couldn't believe they did it, but I don't think I said it.
Isn't that wild? I remember remembering in my dream. I remember what I said and what color things were. I remember before and after the dream. I could dream that dream a thousand times and I'd never get bored!
In my dream, my midwife was gone or out of town or something (but it was the midwife I see now) and one of her partners was going to be with me for the birth. But, her partner had a midwifery student (which I'd be totally okay with). I remember getting to the hospital and I wasn't in a lot of pain. I felt like I needed to have a bowel movement and was a little uncomfortable. I remember wanting to walk a lot before I went to the hospital. I walked every where (this was even in my dream). So, when I got there, I told my husband and mom I was just going to go to the bathroom in the lobby. I knew I didn't want to get to the room, because they'd want to check. I even said something about if I push and a baby starts to come out, then we can go to the room.
Next thing I remember is laying on my left side and feeling a slight amount of pressure. I remember feeling the left side of my scar hurt ever so slightly, but I was not worried about rupture. Then, the midwife student draped me (ugh, I hated this part)...and yes, I was still in bed (not so fond of this part either). I pushed a couple of times (no counting or yelling) and out came a beautiful little girl with the curliest hair. I just kept saying "Oh my God, Oh my God." I even remembered thinking about women saying they couldn't believe they did it, but I don't think I said it.
Isn't that wild? I remember remembering in my dream. I remember what I said and what color things were. I remember before and after the dream. I could dream that dream a thousand times and I'd never get bored!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Naming "the Blog"
First, thanks for reading...whoever you are!
This was much harder to name than I expected. I thought I was creative, but I didn't want just any old wording out there. So, hopefully the name...Milk Maid Momma...isn't too offensive to anyone. I am a breastfeeding mom of the cutest 1 year old little girl. She stole my heart the day she was born. I have been breastfeeding for 12 months, 2 weeks, and 6 days... to be exact. I felt that the wording "Milk Maid Momma" was just right for this.
I'm passionate about breastfeeding, birth, VBAC, and books...well, of course my family too.
So, welcome to my blog.
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