Almost 4 years later...

Because I need to write my birth story, it's going to be hard to write without talking about my daughter's birth.  Her birth (and I did not give birth to her, she was extracted from my body) changed me forever.  Here is how I recall it....

As with any VBAC birth story, this birth was ONLY the way it was because of my first "birth" story.  Since I'm not really sure I've ever written my first birth story, I'll share the short version of it.  I was induced at 39 weeks & 4 days with pre-eclampsia.  My blood pressure had been creeping up.  The weekend before my induction, I had a really bad headache.  I knew the time was coming.  I must also say during my pregnancy I was very unhealthy.  I had a very stressful job (I was a manager of a busy busy nursing unit).  I worked long hours.  I took little time for myself.  I ate what I wanted, when I wanted.  My doctor did discuss my diet with me, but I thought it was because she was concerned about my weight.  I thought she wanted me to limit my weight gain.  So, I really ignored her advice (eat a high protein diet, nothing to drink except black coffee, unsweetened tea, milk, or water).  I didn't exercise, except for the few prenatal yoga classes I took starting at about 32 weeks.  According to my Bishop's score (I was 4 cm, 90% effaced, and minus 1 station), I had a favorable cervix.  I should have had a "successful" induction.  After discussing the plan with my doctor, we would use cytotec to induce.  I know, I know.  However, this was 4 years ago.  The plan was for me to have 1 or 2 doses of cytotec and then labor on my own.  Our plan was to not have to start pitocin.  After my appointment, with my headache, high blood pressure, and protein in my urine, we were sent home to get our things.  My husband & I went to eat some lunch then headed to the hospital.  My mom was there before we were.  We were all very excited!

At about 1:30pm, the first dose of cytotec was placed.  I started contracting about every 5 minutes.  My contractions were not painful at all.  My doctor (and I) decided to break my water.  Almost immediately the contractions became unbearable.  Unfortunately, at the same time, I was placed on magnesium sulfate for my pre-eclampsia.  I was stuck in bed.  This was not in my plan.  However, I moved a lot.  I was constantly rolling from side-to-side.  And, my cervix was changing.  Then, the pain became unbearable.  I first had a dose of Nubain.  After about 3 hours, I was begging for my epidural.  I think I was about 7 cm dilated and it was about 11 pm.  The epidural was instant relief.  My family & my husband's family came in to visit (they had been there the entire time).  We really thought I'd have a baby soon.

But, with the epidural my movement stopped.  When my movement stopped, my contractions stopped.  My cervix stopped changing.  At some point in the night, pitocin was started.  Eventually, I was completely dilated, but with no urge to push.  I think this was around 8 am.  But, I pushed.  I pushed in hands & knees, using the squatting bar, and on my back.  I pushed with all my might.  I pushed for 2 and a half hours.  I did not move my daughter at all after 2 and a half hours.  I was exhausted.  I begged for a vacuum (she was too high...never got past 0 station).  Finally, my doctor said it was up to me, but she didn't think I'd move her any more.  She said I could go ahead & push for another hour or so, but I probably wouldn't get her any lower than where she was.  At this point, I decided a c-section was what would be best.  But, before we went to the OR, my doctor told me I would VBAC with my next baby.  I didn't believe her.  I didn't believe there would EVER be another baby.

My c-section was awful.  While I did not feel pain, I had post-partum hemorrhage.  I lost a lot of blood.  That's what happens when you have magnesium, an epidural, pitocin, and you've pushed for 2.5 hours.  Throughout my post-partum stay (over the next four days), I would receive Hespan (a starch that is supposed to thicken your blood...I think) and 4 units of blood.  My hematocrit and hemoglobin dropped to dangerously low levels.  It took me 48 hours to even get out of bed.  I could not care for my daughter. I could not breastfeed.  I couldn't use the bathroom by myself.  I needed so much help.

As my doctor was discharging me, she told me again that I would VBAC with my next baby.  Yeah, right.  There won't be a next baby, is all I could think.  She told me used 2 layers of sutures, just because she knew I'd want to VBAC.

I went home feeling awful.  We had such a hard time caring for our precious daughter.  I was having a horrible time breastfeeding (never really got that under control until she was about 2 months old).  Then, I got depressed, really depressed.  Not so much as in how some people have depression, but I was depressed about my birth.  I knew very soon that I was not happy with my birth experience.  I felt like I missed out on something, something very important, something very valuable.

At this point, I started searching for a c-section support group.  I googled "c-section support group" and that's how I found ICAN.  Of course, there wasn't an ICAN chapter nearby, but I found support immediately.  This was a group of women who completely understood how I felt.  They got it.  I loved my daughter with all my heart and soul (although bonding was difficult), but I did not love the way she was brought into this world.  I think it's very similar to having a horrible wedding day, but still loving your spouse.  Just because the day doesn't go as planned, doesn't mean you don't love the outcome.

Slowly, I realized I would VBAC my next baby.  Then, I started an ICAN chapter in my area.  I became educated and empowered.  I learned more about birth, c-sections, and VBAC during the next few years than some learn in their whole life.  I was dedicated to having better birth outcomes.

I still do not feel completely healed from my c-section.  I am sad beyond belief that I missed out on such an important time in my daughter's life.  I am sad that I was not the relaxed parent that I am now.  I really feel like I missed out on so much just because of my c-section.

Breathing Experiment

So last night when I couldn't sleep I was trying to do ANYTHING to fall asleep. I started paying attention to DD's breathing. We co-sleep and she happened to be face-to-face with me. I love it. I love being that close to her and her not wanting milk! So, I was trying some deep breathing to try to relax. It didn't work, but I learned some cool stuff.

You know, "they" say babies who co-sleep follow the same breathing patterns as their moms. Well, it's true for toddlers too! When I took a deep breath, so did DD. Her breathing became very rhythmic and deep. Thinking that she may just be relaxing, since she does have a tendency to fall asleep better (she was asleep at the time, but in general) if I'm relaxed, I sped up my breathing, almost panting. Guess what? She did too. She altered her breathing as I intentionally changed mine.

How cool is that?

I love co-sleeping. And, lots of people say it's safe (if it's done right). Dr. James McKenna and Dr. Sears are, I believe, leading experts in the field. Dr. McKenna has actually done research on co-sleeping in a real sleep lab. Not sure why the ENTIRE world doesn't know that. They should.  And Dr. Sears is such an awesome pediatrician (seriously, when DD was a baby, I wanted to move just so we could use him as a pediatrician!).

Co-sleeping can be unsafe. But, overall, it's been done for years. And, I'm pretty sure more deaths occur in cribs than in parent's beds (especially when you've taken safety into account).

I never intended to co-sleep, it was just easier. That's how we got to where we are. I have read Dr. McKenna's and Dr. Sears' information. I made an informed, educated (half-desperate for sleep, but still 100% educated) decision about co-sleeping. You should too. And, if you do co-sleep, you'll learn really great things about your child. It's amazing watch them sleep!

Today!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Really! Yesterday was my last day in my high-stress, not-so-appreciated job! Woo hoo for me! Now, in 2 short short weeks, I'll be in Kentucky for Frontier Bound. I can't wait.

Here's just a short recap of my less than 2 hour old day....

7:10 Wake-up...feeling rather refreshed, ready to get the day started (what a way to start!)
7:11 Nurse little back to sleep, realize trash needs to be taken out & I'm need to pee!
7:15 Go to bathroom so my bladder will be happy
7:16 Gather trash...husband says it was a little too energetic
7:20 Take trash out, happily gaze at snow in yard & relish in the fact I won't be driving in it
7:22 Meet little one in entry way
7:35 Husband joins us in living room
7:40 Coffee brewing, waffle in toaster, yogurt parfait made
8:00 Get little one dressed...complete with pig tails
8:15 Said good-bye to husband and little one
8:20 Check Farm Town, catch up on facebook
8:55 Husband invites me to come see him at the house he's building (maybe later)
8:56 Resume computer activities

Wow, how lovely. I'm having a beautiful day! :)

Seriously though, I'm going to really miss some of the people I've worked with. Some people were very challenging. If you're reading this, thinking you might like to be a manager of any sorts one day, please know there are some very very very grumpy people out there! There are people who, I'm convinced, came to work every day just to make my life miserable. You'll see very little reward. You'll feel like you accomplish very little. Managers do everything. And...everything expands every single day. Not that pay is everything, but this must be said. You make less than quite a few people who report to you. When calculated based on hourly rates, you make a lot less than a lot of people who report to you.

But, there are good things. Really. Maybe. I got to see things change for the positive. Our employee engagement increased while I was there. Our patient satisfaction increased A LOT while I was there. People wanted to work in my units. Our turnover was low at the end (very high at the beginning). Anyway, it's time for someone else to move forward! I'm off to new adventures!

Surgery

Little A had her tonsils and adenoids out yesterday. For most people, this is not a big deal. However, there were a couple of issues that made the decision to have this done extremely difficult for me.

First, even though I am a nurse, I don't totally trust the medical profession. Especially surgeons. Surgeons were educated and trained to operate. If you go to a surgeon for a problem, they fix it with surgery. So, when our doctor (the ENT) recommended a T&A, I had my doubts. I thought he just wanted to do surgery because he is a surgeon. I wouldn't commit right away. I wanted to know the opinion of A's doctor...a family medicine doctor, not a surgeon at all. He said go ahead. See, A has (hopefully had) moderate sleep apnea. While her spells of apnea were not big (although almost 1 an hour), her sleep efficiency sucked. It was 75%, it should have been greater than 90%. Her respiratory disturbance index was 9.5 and it should have been less than 1.

Second, her tonsils weren't big, according to the ENT. When I did decide to schedule the surgery, the nurse said that the notes said they weren't big. This only seemed to confirmed by concerns from above...surgeons operate. I did what any mother would do -- I prayed and prayed. I needed a sign or something. Not that God always gives signs. But He has given me knowledge (being a nurse and assessment skills). Plus, call it being a mom, or maybe God helped my gut feeling, but I had one. Even though all the evidence said "her tonsils aren't big" and my logic said "there could be something else" my gut was screaming "GET THEM OUT!".

A couple of weeks ago, I was napping with A. She usually sleeps in a shirt, but for some reason (hmmm, God?) she was only in a diaper. I got the sign I needed. She started having intercostal retractions. Retractions are when your abdominal and/or chest wall muscles have to work so hard to breathe, you see "dips" between the ribs (intercostal), under the ribs (subcostal), etc. (Okay, so I think all of those are right!). Anyway, retractions are a sign of respiratory distress.

The night before surgery was horrible. Little A had a sore back or something. She fell the night before, so I think it might have been sore. She hardly slept. I hardly slept. I thought this was a sign we should cancel. But, I didn't. And, I couldn't nurse my all-night nurser after 3:45 am. That was hard, but I only had to say no once. She does usually like to nurse right before I get up. It is really hard to say no to a cute little baby saying "milk, milk".

The morning of surgery was smooth. Once we got to the hospital (the one where I work, so she didn't suspect a thing), things went extremely smoothly. The first case cancelled, so we didn't have to wait at all. We were supposed to go at 8:45 and we were now scheduled for 8 am. Everyone from the anesthesiologist (Dr. Y, loved him!) to the ENT (Dr. D) to the nurses and the CRNA rocked.

I got to go to the OR with A. I wasn't planning, but decided I would go back. She went to sleep in my arms. It wasn't scary or anything. Mostly because, I was under the impression A would be on a ventilator (letting a machine breathe for her, which is necessary with enough anesthesia). Dr. Y said that he doesn't to that. He puts a tube in her mouth, but she's breathing...basically he creates an airway for her. Because of this, I totally relaxed.

Dr. D said he'd be done in 20 minutes. Not a second past 20 minutes, he was out talking to us. He said her tonsils were much larger than he originally thought. And, he said her adenoids were taking up 100% of her airway...or something like that. Whew! I know that sound terrible, but what a relief. We didn't do surgery for nothing.

We spent the day & night in the hospital. A was groggy most of the day. About 5pm, she stood up and started jumping in her bed! She was ready to go! The night was fair (better than the sleep study) but not great. However, she has fallen asleep already, but who knows how long that'll last. I'm not holding my breath. :)

I hear it takes about 2 weeks to notice any difference. I do know that A has had difficulty breathing during sleep for her entire life. She snored. She sweated at night. Tossed and turned. Fussed. Never slept through the night (less than 10 times in almost 20 months). I just hope that she heals well and she is able to breathe at night!

I'm glad we did it. But, more than anything, I'm glad to be home. Resting peacefully in our own space...without the germs of the hospital. Ugh! Grossness.

Random...mostly breastfeeding...thoughts

Here a couple of thoughts I've had this weekend....

1. Reconnecting with a nursing toddler is probably a lot easier and quicker than a non-nursing toddler.

We were away from the little worm for 5 days/6 nights this past week. I'm quite sure she did totally fine. I hear rumors that she slept all night. When we arrived home late Friday night, we were to meet my parents at our house. I said, as we were walking up the terminal, "I would love it if my parent's could have brought Addison to meet us." It was late...about 10:45 or so. I figured they were all at our house asleep. I saw a man holding a teddy bear. I made a comment of how cute and sweet that was. Then, my little beautiful child comes running out of the crowd to me. I totally dropped my bags & just picked her up. I started crying, my mom was crying. It was so wonderful. DH later said he just had a weird feeling that they would be there. I did too.

On the way home, little worm kept grabbing my shirt...in her car seat, fast asleep. I think she just wanted to make sure momma still had her nonnies.

2. Speaking of nonnies....
Little one has officially, I think, named my breasts. My cousin's kids called her "momma's ba ba's", so I tried that. Then, LO learned she always got milk before bedtime, or night night. This is were nonnies evolved from. We're also teaching her sign language. I usually skip the "milk" sign...I don't like it...it's the motion of milking a cow...plus, little A usually wants to nurse immediately following. Okay, at least she knows what milk is. But here lately, she'll do the sign for sleep (hands under tilted head...like you're resting your head on clasped hands), pant (she's been doing this for some time now when she wants milk or is about to get it...sort of like one of Pavlov's dogs panting for water I guess), and grab my shirt.

3. No matter what frustrates me about my DH, he usually gets it.

We were watching Jon and Kate tonight. I was doing laundry in between sterilizing pump parts. He was playing some stupid game on myspace. He randomly says, "I wonder how you would breastfeed 6 kids. You'd just rotate them all the time." I was struck with awe that he never thought you'd just formula-feed the kids. The thing is, I really don't think you could nurse all 6 exclusively. You'd have to decide who get to nurse when. Twins, I think it's totally possible...two breasts, two babies. I don't really have any idea how you'd nurse higher order multiples.

4. My baby rocks.

Okay, not a random thought. I just totally love her and could stay home with her all the time. I would really love to do that. We would have so much fun. Maybe one day I'll get to stay home with her, or at least part time.