I fell off the wagon

Yep, I did post in NOVEMBER about getting healthy & having all these fabulous goals, right? I'm pretty sure I did. :) But, hopefully you forgot, just like I did.

I got stressed. I got sidetracked. I had a sick kid for most of the month (4 teeth, 2 ear infections, and probably roseola...I know, it should be a song).  I didn't do really ANY of the things I had wanted to do.

But, it's a new year (well, it's the 18th day of a new year). And I am attempting to do something about it. The problem is...I freaking love food. I eat when I'm sad/happy/hurt/angry/excited/bored....oh, and sometimes I actually eat when I'm hungry.

I did join Weight Watchers (very reluctantly) on December 26 (why wait until the new year?). I'm taking it slow. I saw a huge decrease in my milk supply after the first week (I lost 4 pounds, by the way). Then, I tried to start eating all my points plus the extra weekly points. I only lost a pound the 2nd week, still working on getting my milk supply up. I just finished my 3rd week & I did nothing. And I ate horribly. I didn't track my points & I can tell.

I have done Weight Watchers before, with great success (and again with not so much success). I resisted for YEARS to do WW (most recently) because they really had been pushing a lot of processed foods. That is EXACTLY what I want to avoid. I want to eat real food. Now (and I am by no means, a paid spokesperson for WW) really push fruits & veggies (they're all "free"). Calories are no longer a part of the point equation (yay!!). Now, points are based on actual nutrition....carbs, fat, fiber, and protein. It's easy & I feel full.

So, just to check in, I'm still here. Still fighting my weight, but trying to learn to love myself. My daughter recently, very nonchalantly, told my my belly still looked like it did when Cooper was in there. But, to here, that was just no big deal. It was as if I should be proud my body carried her and her brother. She just acted like it was normal. While I want to lose weight (I want to be able to move around & play with my kids more, I want to be a healthy example for them), I am proud of my body...and here's why:

I carried two babies to full-term.

I fought with every fiber in my body to push the first one out. Many would have given up far sooner than I did (and I didn't really "give up").

I found fibers I didn't know existed, and fought even harder to push out the 2nd one. Epidural-free. One dose (and a half) of pain medicine only. After 24 hours of early labor & an extremely fast, furious, angry 2-hour labor AND transition (actually, I think once I was in labor, I was in transition), then FIVE hours of never-giving-in pushing. I pushed a baby out....while looking at my scar.

I nourished (and still am nourishing) two babies.....going on a total of 49 months (gulp)...that's a lot of milk.

My chest/shoulders/arms have provided a resting spot for both of my children for many a nights.

My daughter loves to snuggle in my back (I just don't think it'd be the same if I was skin & bones).

See, I do love some things about my body. But, I am saddened when my daughter chooses unhealthy foods. She hates most veggies. I do not want her to struggle with her body image and yet I want her to accept herself and be healthy. So, I'm going to at least try to be healthy for my kids.

And, let's be honest, I would really like to feel comfortable at the pool this summer. :)

My fat story -- the numbers part of it

My first memory of being overweight was when I was 12 years old. I remember being bigger than all the kids in elementary school, but I was also much taller than them. In 6th grade we were weighed. I weighed 135 pounds (oh my, how I would LOVE to weigh that now!). I was heavier than all the other girls.

It occured to me I might be overweight then.

I went through junior high & high school struggling with my weight. My mom tried various diets. We ate a lot of grilled chicken. In all reality, I don't really think I was that heavy then. I don't even think I was that heavy when I graduated high school weighing 165 pounds. I was 5 feet 6 inches then. Sure, my BMI was slightly "overweight." I was a size 12. I would LOVE to look like that.

Then, I went to college. I continued to gain 30 pounds my freshman year. This weight gain was fueled by eating out a lot. When I did eat in the cafeteria (and not Taco Bell), I had an all you can eat pass.

The next year, if I remember correctly, I did lose some weight. I moved in to my sorority house, food was limited.

By my 4th year of college (it was my 1st year of nursing school, so technically I got to be a junior for 2 years), I moved in with my parents. I was going to nursing school, so I was trying to save money and time. I needed to study a lot. My mom cooked healthy. We ate grilled chicken so much! I switched to the "healthier" (ha ha!) diet pop. I lost some weight that year.

The next year, I moved in with a friend. I don't really remember what my weight was like then, but I think it was steady. Somewhere in the next few years, I was back up to my freshman weight (195).

After I graduated and started working as a nurse, I worked out A LOT! I was working out (cardio & lifting weights) 4 times/week for one hour each time. I joined Weight Watchers. I got engaged! Just before my wedding (at the age of 26), I was down to my lowest weight ever. One hundred fifty pounds. I was at the highest weight Weight Watchers would allow me to be at. It was hard. I was there for ONE day (that tells you how likely I am to be there again!). I was within my 2 pounds for the 6-week weigh-in to become a lifetime member.

Slowly, after getting married, my weight crept back on. I got a job as a night-shift supervisor in a fast-paced labor and delivery. I gained some more weight. I weighed 185 pounds around this time.  I was 28 years old.

At 28, after being a supervisor for almost one year, I got a manager position. I went from working 3 nights/week to working 5 days/week. I worked 50 hour weeks. I ate. And I sat at a desk. I gained an astonishing 50 pounds in SIX MONTHS! I now weighed 235 pounds. Six months after getting the manager position, I was pregnant! We had been trying, but I was pregnant at 235 pounds. I gained 60 pounds during this pregnancy. I was unhealthy. My doctor talked to me about my diet, but I thought she was harrassing me about my weight. I was offended, so I didn't listen. I drank diet pop and ate what felt good. I had pre-eclampsia and ended up with a c-section.

After this pregnancy, I got down to 245. Then, three and half years later I got pregnant. At 245 pounds. I gained 50 pounds...most of it in the last month (I think I stopped caring...I was tired of being pregnant!). Now, here I am. I'm not going to say how much I weigh now. I have lost a lot of my pregnancy weight. I am over 200 pounds.

I believe the "dieting" in my late teens/early twenties scared my body. Now, I will struggle. I really ate what I wanted and gained very little then. I do not ever want my daughter to diet. I refuse to teach her about Weight Watchers. She will not count her points (but that's a whole other post!).

So, here's my fat story...at least the numbers part of it.

My here-it-is-I-am-fat post

This past weekend I had pictures taken of myself. This is something I generally avoid. I didn't really have a choice in the matter. My husband's step-grandmother wanted family pictures for his Grandpa. The whole family. We did a huge picture of everyone (those I can usually hide in, turn to the side, hold the baby). Then, we had to do small families. I thought I looked okay. Really, I did.

Then, I saw the pictures. I was fat. I looked bloated and pale. Now, let me just clarify one thing (or a few)...I am a huge advocate of health at every size. I believe your BMI can be high and  you can be healthy. I believe just because you have a "normal" BMI, you're not guaranteed health.

I've been in denial. I am obese. My blood pressure is good. My cholesterol is good. I must be healthy. I would really like to lose weight for my health, but my health has been good, so I haven't been motivated.

Until now. It may sound vain, so what. I am fat. I am being completely honest here....so please don't judge.

I liked to think I had great eating habits. I ate organic. I tried to avoid aspartame and high-fructose corn syrup....unless they were in the pop I was (still am) so addicted to. I avoid nitrites. I only used milk without hormones or antibiotics. My meat was usually locally raised, without hormones or organic. I shopped at Whole Foods.

But, I am fat. I am addicted to food. Now, you can disagree with me, but I am here to tell you it does exist. I wake up thinking about what I'm going to eat. If I have a bad day, I can't wait to get my hands on sugar or a pop. I can't wait to eat the next meal. And not just in a foodie sense of way.

While I wish vanity didn't motivate me, I am thankful I haven't been told I have diabetes, high blood pressure, or high cholesterol. Maybe vanity is a good thing. I need to be healthy for my kids. I need to be an example for them. I want them to choose healthy.

I am seemingly obsessed over the food my kids eat...especially my baby (I was that way when the big kid was a baby too). No formula. Ever. Cooper has only had healthy foods. In fact, he's only had one "jar" of baby food. My mom bought it for him. He's had fresh foods...mostly organic. Organic butternut squash, organic apples, sweet potatoes (some organic, some jarred). He's had the brown rice from Happy Baby (only when he has leftover breastmilk from day care). I've made some of Cooper's food (he hasn't eaten it yet though).

So why am I so lax about the way I eat? Why do I act like I care, but I don't? Why do I sneak food?

It feels good. Food is my friend. It's my comfort.

So here I am. Out here for the world to see. And now, I'm going to share with you my goals, so I can be accountable. They're only monthly goals, but they're a start.

December Goals
No pop (diet or regular)
Exercise three times per week for at least 30 minutes per day
Limit eating out to once per week
No fast food
No store-bought candy, homemade candy in moderation (it is Christmas afterall!)

I would like to lose 5 pounds. I would like to follow my goals.

I will be posting more about my struggles with my weight. I hope I can help someone. I hope someone chooses to join me in my get-health journey!

Going sugar free!

Awhile back, I posted something about how I wanted to give up sugar for Lent.  I was still addicted to sweets.  Loved them.  I love bread, sugar, potatoes, anything with sugar or sugar like substances in it.

Then, I started nurse practitioner school.  I learned so much my first term.  But, two very important things I learned affected me personally.  I started putting things together.  I realized I had to change.  But, I was changing a culture, something I had "known" my entire life.

First, I learned insulin is really the root of all evil, not fat.  For so long, I have thought fat was bad.  I never ever used butter, full-fat milk, or anything like that.  As I learned more about insulin, I grew scared of what I was doing to myself.  I learned that insulin causes cells to grow abnormally, causing tumors.  Insulin causes you to store body fat.

Next, I learned about aspartame.  See, one professor, made a comment, obesity was never a problem in the U.S. until the introduction of aspartame.  That really made me wonder....did we eat more because we thought it was okay, since we were using aspartame OR did the aspartame make us fat?  I learned it was really a combination of the two.

I put those ideas together.  Here's an example to illustrate my point:  you drink a diet coke (hmmm, I miss those), you drink a lot of aspartame.  Your body TASTES something sweet.  Your poor little pancreas thinks you've eaten sugar.  They really did a good job making aspartame, to trick your body like that.  Your pancreas releases insulin because it thinks you have eaten sugar.   Your body must release insulin when you eat sugar, to be able to move the sugar into cells.  What results, from the aspartame plus rise in insulin, is extra insulin.  Your body stores body fat as a result.  Plus, because you have this extra insulin, you ARE hungrier...it's your body's attempt at balancing the insulin/glucose teeter-totter in your body.

So, yes, aspartame is making us fat.  But, it's because of insulin.

On July 12, I gave up all sugar, grains, breads, and good that act like sugar (aspartame, splenda, honey, all sweeteners basically...except stevia).  As of last Friday, I had lost 11 pounds.  Then, I did something dumb (well, what I ate was dumb)...I went on a date with my husband.  We went to the movies.  I drank a diet dr. pepper (not as good as I remembered), ate popcorn, and had some lovely junior mints.  Wow! That's a lot of sugar, I know.  Then, we went to dinner.  I did drink some red wine there (that's okay in moderation) and ate some bread (ugh!) and a lovely molten chocolate cake (I would do that again, but it was homemade!).  I felt like crap!

I gained about 5 pounds in that one day.  I tried to eat a pancake the next morning...I was trying to get all the sugary cravings out!  Fortunately, the pancake was gross.  That was 4 days ago.  I'm only 3 pounds away from my 11 pound mark.

So, what do I eat?  Eggs, cheese (not fat-free), butter (not by itself), meat (organic, usually local), all the fruits I want (except watermelon, because of it's high glycemic index), all the veggies I want (except peas, corn, and all potatoes, because of their truly starchy nature), nuts, nut butters (lots of peanut butter, but we eat local peanut butter with peanuts and salt listed as the ONLY ingredients).  For dinner last night, I had grilled chicken legs, brussel sprouts, chilled tomato soup, and salad (with blue cheese, tomatoes, olive oil, and red wine vinegar).  It was yummy.

We buy fruit, veggies, and eggs every week now.  I have more energy and feel better about myself.  I have already noticed a difference in my clothing!

Officially, I am following Dr. Olson's Sugar Free Challenge.  I love it!