I heart ICAN!

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1880665,00.html

I found ICAN very shortly after my c-section with little A. I knew something just wasn't right when I came home. I was "one of those" moms who never even dreamed of getting cut open to have a baby. But, after a long induction due to pre-eclampsia, my daughter was delivered my cesarean section. I wanted nothing, as far as labor goes; yet I got it all -- cytotec, AROM (artifical rupture of membranes), magnesium, epidural, pitocin, then the knife. I know this may sound harsh to some people, and it is harsh. After almost 21 months, my abdomen is still numb and tingly. It's not fun. If it were not for ICAN, I would have suffered postpartum depression. I know I would have. I wanted to crawl in a hole and hibernate. When my dd was about 12 hours old I realized I had not really seen her. I unwrapped her. She cried. My dh & I fought. And fought. And fought. It's painful, not only physically, but emotionally, to have a c-section. Who cares that I have an intact perineum. I don't. I have scar in my heart and on my abdomen.

So, when I found ICAN, I was delighted. There were other people like me. There were women...and maybe even some men...who get it. So, when the opportunity to help came up, I did what I could (of course, I wish I could have done more). I'm proud to say I was part of this project. It makes me so happy to know I might have helped someone in doing this.

Everyday women are denied the right to birth their baby the way they want. Women are told how and when to give birth. It's unfair. It's unethical. You can do something. I did. You can be a part of the solution. I am.

Here's the ICAN website. The women here, the support, the resources....they changed my life....

www.ican-online.org

What am I doing?

I just want to say this -- I hate macs.
I know that apple is "all that" but I just can't work on them! Okay, maybe I'll get used to it...see I'm sitting here on my PC, with my laptop (mac) open, trying to get something done on the laptop. Hence, it's no successful, so I'm blogging on the PC.

What a waste of my time.....

Up and Down

All day...when I thought A was doing good, she'd crump...cry, cry, cry, whine, whine, whine. Then, she'd perk right up. I suppose this is the road to recovery.

Luckily, she realized Motrin doesn't taste so bad. This morning she even said "tank you" after taking the motrin. Then, I some how tricked her in to taking her lortab tonight. It was the first time she'd had it today. I think she'll feel a lot better in the morning!

Surgery

Little A had her tonsils and adenoids out yesterday. For most people, this is not a big deal. However, there were a couple of issues that made the decision to have this done extremely difficult for me.

First, even though I am a nurse, I don't totally trust the medical profession. Especially surgeons. Surgeons were educated and trained to operate. If you go to a surgeon for a problem, they fix it with surgery. So, when our doctor (the ENT) recommended a T&A, I had my doubts. I thought he just wanted to do surgery because he is a surgeon. I wouldn't commit right away. I wanted to know the opinion of A's doctor...a family medicine doctor, not a surgeon at all. He said go ahead. See, A has (hopefully had) moderate sleep apnea. While her spells of apnea were not big (although almost 1 an hour), her sleep efficiency sucked. It was 75%, it should have been greater than 90%. Her respiratory disturbance index was 9.5 and it should have been less than 1.

Second, her tonsils weren't big, according to the ENT. When I did decide to schedule the surgery, the nurse said that the notes said they weren't big. This only seemed to confirmed by concerns from above...surgeons operate. I did what any mother would do -- I prayed and prayed. I needed a sign or something. Not that God always gives signs. But He has given me knowledge (being a nurse and assessment skills). Plus, call it being a mom, or maybe God helped my gut feeling, but I had one. Even though all the evidence said "her tonsils aren't big" and my logic said "there could be something else" my gut was screaming "GET THEM OUT!".

A couple of weeks ago, I was napping with A. She usually sleeps in a shirt, but for some reason (hmmm, God?) she was only in a diaper. I got the sign I needed. She started having intercostal retractions. Retractions are when your abdominal and/or chest wall muscles have to work so hard to breathe, you see "dips" between the ribs (intercostal), under the ribs (subcostal), etc. (Okay, so I think all of those are right!). Anyway, retractions are a sign of respiratory distress.

The night before surgery was horrible. Little A had a sore back or something. She fell the night before, so I think it might have been sore. She hardly slept. I hardly slept. I thought this was a sign we should cancel. But, I didn't. And, I couldn't nurse my all-night nurser after 3:45 am. That was hard, but I only had to say no once. She does usually like to nurse right before I get up. It is really hard to say no to a cute little baby saying "milk, milk".

The morning of surgery was smooth. Once we got to the hospital (the one where I work, so she didn't suspect a thing), things went extremely smoothly. The first case cancelled, so we didn't have to wait at all. We were supposed to go at 8:45 and we were now scheduled for 8 am. Everyone from the anesthesiologist (Dr. Y, loved him!) to the ENT (Dr. D) to the nurses and the CRNA rocked.

I got to go to the OR with A. I wasn't planning, but decided I would go back. She went to sleep in my arms. It wasn't scary or anything. Mostly because, I was under the impression A would be on a ventilator (letting a machine breathe for her, which is necessary with enough anesthesia). Dr. Y said that he doesn't to that. He puts a tube in her mouth, but she's breathing...basically he creates an airway for her. Because of this, I totally relaxed.

Dr. D said he'd be done in 20 minutes. Not a second past 20 minutes, he was out talking to us. He said her tonsils were much larger than he originally thought. And, he said her adenoids were taking up 100% of her airway...or something like that. Whew! I know that sound terrible, but what a relief. We didn't do surgery for nothing.

We spent the day & night in the hospital. A was groggy most of the day. About 5pm, she stood up and started jumping in her bed! She was ready to go! The night was fair (better than the sleep study) but not great. However, she has fallen asleep already, but who knows how long that'll last. I'm not holding my breath. :)

I hear it takes about 2 weeks to notice any difference. I do know that A has had difficulty breathing during sleep for her entire life. She snored. She sweated at night. Tossed and turned. Fussed. Never slept through the night (less than 10 times in almost 20 months). I just hope that she heals well and she is able to breathe at night!

I'm glad we did it. But, more than anything, I'm glad to be home. Resting peacefully in our own space...without the germs of the hospital. Ugh! Grossness.

Comments

No one has every commented on this blog. I'm not even sure anyone is reading it. So, I suppose it's just for me and that's okay. Perhaps someone, someday will stumble across it. It'll never be one of the best blogs out there, but it's still mine and I'm okay with that.

City Noises

One thing I absolutely hate about living in the city is the noises. Hate it hate it hate it. I'll take crickets chirping in the country any freakin' day. I'll even listen to nasty little frogs croaking all night long. But, seriously, this is crazy. Our neighbor's dog has been barking ALL day long. It must be some little yappy dog. Ugh. Not that we live in a big city or anything, but we live one block from the bus station and about 3 blocks from a hospital. Tonight I have been listening to yappy dog, car alarms going off, sirens, and cars all day long! Crazy!!!!

I'll take a crying baby in the country ANY day!

Changing Directions

So many times over the past week or so, I've thought...oh I need to start a blog about this or that. So, I'm changing directions. :)

Change is good. Change makes you grow. I like writing, but not always about breastfeeding. I do like talking about. But, sometimes I like talking about other things. Like how my co-workers make me angry. How the "uppers" make decisions that truly effect my job without considering it. How the "uppers" ask if I really need to order ink pens. Seriously. I'd like to talk about my family. My friends. My life...not just my boobs.

I'm sure that's fine with all of you...since I really don't think anyone reads this. But, it makes me feel good to write. So I do it.

Happy Reading about the rest of me!