Milk Maid Momma

I fell off the wagon

2012-01-18T07:36:00.000-08:00

Yep, I did post in NOVEMBER about getting healthy & having all these fabulous goals, right? I'm pretty sure I did. :) But, hopefully you forgot, just like I did.

I got stressed. I got sidetracked. I had a sick kid for most of the month (4 teeth, 2 ear infections, and probably roseola...I know, it should be a song). I didn't do really ANY of the things I had wanted to do.

But, it's a new year (well, it's the 18th day of a new year). And I am attempting to do something about it. The problem is...I freaking love food. I eat when I'm sad/happy/hurt/angry/excited/bored....oh, and sometimes I actually eat when I'm hungry.

I did join Weight Watchers (very reluctantly) on December 26 (why wait until the new year?). I'm taking it slow. I saw a huge decrease in my milk supply after the first week (I lost 4 pounds, by the way). Then, I tried to start eating all my points plus the extra weekly points. I only lost a pound the 2nd week, still working on getting my milk supply up. I just finished my 3rd week & I did nothing. And I ate horribly. I didn't track my points & I can tell.

I have done Weight Watchers before, with great success (and again with not so much success). I resisted for YEARS to do WW (most recently) because they really had been pushing a lot of processed foods. That is EXACTLY what I want to avoid. I want to eat real food. Now (and I am by no means, a paid spokesperson for WW) really push fruits & veggies (they're all "free"). Calories are no longer a part of the point equation (yay!!). Now, points are based on actual nutrition....carbs, fat, fiber, and protein. It's easy & I feel full.

So, just to check in, I'm still here. Still fighting my weight, but trying to learn to love myself. My daughter recently, very nonchalantly, told my my belly still looked like it did when Cooper was in there. But, to here, that was just no big deal. It was as if I should be proud my body carried her and her brother. She just acted like it was normal. While I want to lose weight (I want to be able to move around & play with my kids more, I want to be a healthy example for them), I am proud of my body...and here's why:

I carried two babies to full-term.

I fought with every fiber in my body to push the first one out. Many would have given up far sooner than I did (and I didn't really "give up").

I found fibers I didn't know existed, and fought even harder to push out the 2nd one. Epidural-free. One dose (and a half) of pain medicine only. After 24 hours of early labor & an extremely fast, furious, angry 2-hour labor AND transition (actually, I think once I was in labor, I was in transition), then FIVE hours of never-giving-in pushing. I pushed a baby out....while looking at my scar.

I nourished (and still am nourishing) two babies.....going on a total of 49 months (gulp)...that's a lot of milk.

My chest/shoulders/arms have provided a resting spot for both of my children for many a nights.

My daughter loves to snuggle in my back (I just don't think it'd be the same if I was skin & bones).

See, I do love some things about my body. But, I am saddened when my daughter chooses unhealthy foods. She hates most veggies. I do not want her to struggle with her body image and yet I want her to accept herself and be healthy. So, I'm going to at least try to be healthy for my kids.

And, let's be honest, I would really like to feel comfortable at the pool this summer. :)

My fat story -- the numbers part of it

2011-11-30T08:23:00.000-08:00

My first memory of being overweight was when I was 12 years old. I remember being bigger than all the kids in elementary school, but I was also much taller than them. In 6th grade we were weighed. I weighed 135 pounds (oh my, how I would LOVE to weigh that now!). I was heavier than all the other girls.

It occured to me I might be overweight then.

I went through junior high & high school struggling with my weight. My mom tried various diets. We ate a lot of grilled chicken. In all reality, I don't really think I was that heavy then. I don't even think I was that heavy when I graduated high school weighing 165 pounds. I was 5 feet 6 inches then. Sure, my BMI was slightly "overweight." I was a size 12. I would LOVE to look like that.

Then, I went to college. I continued to gain 30 pounds my freshman year. This weight gain was fueled by eating out a lot. When I did eat in the cafeteria (and not Taco Bell), I had an all you can eat pass.

The next year, if I remember correctly, I did lose some weight. I moved in to my sorority house, food was limited.

By my 4th year of college (it was my 1st year of nursing school, so technically I got to be a junior for 2 years), I moved in with my parents. I was going to nursing school, so I was trying to save money and time. I needed to study a lot. My mom cooked healthy. We ate grilled chicken so much! I switched to the "healthier" (ha ha!) diet pop. I lost some weight that year.

The next year, I moved in with a friend. I don't really remember what my weight was like then, but I think it was steady. Somewhere in the next few years, I was back up to my freshman weight (195).

After I graduated and started working as a nurse, I worked out A LOT! I was working out (cardio & lifting weights) 4 times/week for one hour each time. I joined Weight Watchers. I got engaged! Just before my wedding (at the age of 26), I was down to my lowest weight ever. One hundred fifty pounds. I was at the highest weight Weight Watchers would allow me to be at. It was hard. I was there for ONE day (that tells you how likely I am to be there again!). I was within my 2 pounds for the 6-week weigh-in to become a lifetime member.

Slowly, after getting married, my weight crept back on. I got a job as a night-shift supervisor in a fast-paced labor and delivery. I gained some more weight. I weighed 185 pounds around this time. I was 28 years old.

At 28, after being a supervisor for almost one year, I got a manager position. I went from working 3 nights/week to working 5 days/week. I worked 50 hour weeks. I ate. And I sat at a desk. I gained an astonishing 50 pounds in SIX MONTHS! I now weighed 235 pounds. Six months after getting the manager position, I was pregnant! We had been trying, but I was pregnant at 235 pounds. I gained 60 pounds during this pregnancy. I was unhealthy. My doctor talked to me about my diet, but I thought she was harrassing me about my weight. I was offended, so I didn't listen. I drank diet pop and ate what felt good. I had pre-eclampsia and ended up with a c-section.

After this pregnancy, I got down to 245. Then, three and half years later I got pregnant. At 245 pounds. I gained 50 pounds...most of it in the last month (I think I stopped caring...I was tired of being pregnant!). Now, here I am. I'm not going to say how much I weigh now. I have lost a lot of my pregnancy weight. I am over 200 pounds.

I believe the "dieting" in my late teens/early twenties scared my body. Now, I will struggle. I really ate what I wanted and gained very little then. I do not ever want my daughter to diet. I refuse to teach her about Weight Watchers. She will not count her points (but that's a whole other post!).

So, here's my fat story...at least the numbers part of it.

My here-it-is-I-am-fat post

2011-11-29T08:22:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I had pictures taken of myself. This is something I generally avoid. I didn't really have a choice in the matter. My husband's step-grandmother wanted family pictures for his Grandpa. The whole family. We did a huge picture of everyone (those I can usually hide in, turn to the side, hold the baby). Then, we had to do small families. I thought I looked okay. Really, I did.

Then, I saw the pictures. I was fat. I looked bloated and pale. Now, let me just clarify one thing (or a few)...I am a huge advocate of health at every size. I believe your BMI can be high and you can be healthy. I believe just because you have a "normal" BMI, you're not guaranteed health.

I've been in denial. I am obese. My blood pressure is good. My cholesterol is good. I must be healthy. I would really like to lose weight for my health, but my health has been good, so I haven't been motivated.

Until now. It may sound vain, so what. I am fat. I am being completely honest here....so please don't judge.

I liked to think I had great eating habits. I ate organic. I tried to avoid aspartame and high-fructose corn syrup....unless they were in the pop I was (still am) so addicted to. I avoid nitrites. I only used milk without hormones or antibiotics. My meat was usually locally raised, without hormones or organic. I shopped at Whole Foods.

But, I am fat. I am addicted to food. Now, you can disagree with me, but I am here to tell you it does exist. I wake up thinking about what I'm going to eat. If I have a bad day, I can't wait to get my hands on sugar or a pop. I can't wait to eat the next meal. And not just in a foodie sense of way.

While I wish vanity didn't motivate me, I am thankful I haven't been told I have diabetes, high blood pressure, or high cholesterol. Maybe vanity is a good thing. I need to be healthy for my kids. I need to be an example for them. I want them to choose healthy.

I am seemingly obsessed over the food my kids eat...especially my baby (I was that way when the big kid was a baby too). No formula. Ever. Cooper has only had healthy foods. In fact, he's only had one "jar" of baby food. My mom bought it for him. He's had fresh foods...mostly organic. Organic butternut squash, organic apples, sweet potatoes (some organic, some jarred). He's had the brown rice from Happy Baby (only when he has leftover breastmilk from day care). I've made some of Cooper's food (he hasn't eaten it yet though).

So why am I so lax about the way I eat? Why do I act like I care, but I don't? Why do I sneak food?

It feels good. Food is my friend. It's my comfort.

So here I am. Out here for the world to see. And now, I'm going to share with you my goals, so I can be accountable. They're only monthly goals, but they're a start.

December Goals
No pop (diet or regular)
Exercise three times per week for at least 30 minutes per day
Limit eating out to once per week
No fast food
No store-bought candy, homemade candy in moderation (it is Christmas afterall!)

I would like to lose 5 pounds. I would like to follow my goals.

I will be posting more about my struggles with my weight. I hope I can help someone. I hope someone chooses to join me in my get-health journey!

The Past Week

2011-10-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

It sucked. About 2 years ago I hurt my back. I'm not sure how, but it was jacked up for about a week. We had just returned from a few days in Vegas, then I had 2 extremely horribly busy days at work, then we went to the lake with my family. So, I had had a super busy week. On the drive home from the lake, my back was sore. I chalked it up to walking in Vegas a lot, flying, having crazy days at work, then playing at the lake. Just busy. By Monday, it was hard to walk. By Tuesday, walking was impossible. I was crawling. It sucked, big time. I spent a week at the chiropractors, almost literally. I was there every single day. But, it got better. I see my chiropractor (whom I was seeing before all that) regularly & I TRY to do my back exercises. I've never had any problems since then. Until last Sunday.

Again, busy day. We looked at houses. I wore Cooper all day (and he's a big boy). We went to the store. We had a fun day. But, my back was starting to hurt a little. By Sunday evening, I knew what I was in store for. Fortunately, last Monday I headed straight to the chiropractor. I was only there 3 days this time. I'm feeling better, but not 100%. It just sucks. I want to do laundry & dishes (yes, believe it or not). I desperately want to go to my clinicals. I need to.

After talking with my chiropractor, I'm realizing I'm a little stressed out. I do have a little too much on my plate. I am doing my clinicals (two days/week), teaching clinicals (1 day), doing pre-planning at the hospital with my students (1/2 day), grading care plans (as I fit them in, but it probably takes a full 6 hours to grade them all), studying (not enough), and doing my school work (still not enough). Oh, and I have a 5 1/2 month old baby and a 4 year old. And a husband who is very busy working. And, I try to keep up this blog. And of course, I have to keep up with my Pinterest addiction.

And still, there is no time for me. No exercise. No yoga. No meditation. No me time.

I do think that when we have weeks like these, our bodies are telling us something. I think mine was trying to say "SLOW DOWN!" Okay, I hear you, loud & clear. But, how do I slow down? How do I quit anything I have on my plate? I don't. How do I find time for me? Well, that's going to be hard, but I'm going to try. Really, I will.

Just as soon as I get back from the dentist. Because last night, as I was cuddling with my 4 year old, eating some Poppycock, I broke a damn tooth.

15 Random (or not) Things About Me

2011-09-27T07:12:00.000-07:00

My brain is not quite working well this morning, but I wanted to blog, so I thought I'd just make a fabulous list of random things about me. Some you may have known, but maybe not.

I recently quit my job (to finish my school). I worked there for over 11 years. Before that, the longest I'd worked anywhere was probably 4 months (no lie).
I'm adjunct faculty for a college of nursing (well, not just ANY, but THE University of Oklahoma). I've also taught for Oklahoma City University. I've done OB, peds, and now, med/surg clinicals. It's fun & I love watching the students grow. This semester is my first 7-3 clinical...we'll see how this not-a-morning person handles it!
I love to read books. I just haven't had any time with school (and pinterest).
I wanted, and seriously considered, becoming a vegetarian. Once I watched Food, Inc. I knew there was a better way to eat meat. I've never considered it since watching that movie.
There's very few foods I don't like. I hate black licorice & water chestnuts. I'm not big on weird food either. I don't eat raw sushi (although I have, I just don't like the texture). But, I will pick water chestnuts out of food. Water chestnuts are like styrofoam, they're just fillers.
Until last week I thought I didn't like nuts in my food. I had a dish at Pei Wei with peanuts (did not know they were in there) and LOVED it. Hmmm...still don't like water chestnuts though.
I was in a sorority in college. And I loved it.
I don't buy Nestle products. And Nestle owns just about everything. The hardest thing for me is Hot Pockets (my husband LOVES Hot Pockets, and yes, Nestle owns that brand) and San Pellegrino water (my daughter LOVES "fuzzy" water, and yes, Nestly owns that brand too). Shopping for Easter candy is not fun, but it can be done. Oh, and Nestle owns Coffee Mate. I could do a whole post over Nestle (maybe I will). Talk about the "big guy."
My favorite pizza is ham & pineapple, but no one else in my family like it. So sad.
The hardest thing I ever did was quit my job as a manager. But, it was also the best thing I ever did. Crazy how that works out, hunh?
I love roller coasters.
I love all adventure rides. My husband & I rode the ejection seat on top of the Stratosphere. I'm glad I did it. BUT I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN! :) We've also ridden the roller coaster at the Stratosphere (those were the only two rides open there when we went) & the roller coaster at New York New York (no big deal). I'll ride just about any ride.
Except ferris wheels. I hate them. I loathe them. Now, if they went really fast, I'd ride them.
I'm obsessed with iced coffee. Thanks Pioneer Woman.
I love the mountains and the water.

Medela Pump-in-Style vs. Hygeia EnJoye

2011-09-22T09:11:00.000-07:00

So, I've been having some pumping supply issues lately. When my father-in-law passed away, I knew I might have some supply issues. They didn't show up for nearly 3 weeks. I've now been dealing with them for about 2 weeks. I won (from Medela) a Pump-In-Style when my daughter was only a month or so old (I really don't remember, but it was very early on). I was in a video Medela produced about lactation consults. And yes, they gave me the pump. So, there it is. But, I was NOT paid my Medela to say what I'm about to say. I digress.

I've heard wonderful, wonderful things about Hygeia. I knew with over 16 months (probably closer to 17 months) use on my ole' Medela PIS, I might need to break down & buy a new one. I pumped with my DD for 15 months (so, about 14 months use with her) & I started pumping with DS when he was 1 month old, to get a freezer stash (so about 3 months with him).

And, I had flexible spending account money burning a hole in my pocket. I had to use it quickly. I bought the EnJoye. I just wanted to compare them for you all.

Medela Pump-In-Style Pros
The pump parts (flanges, etc) come apart. This makes for easier cleaning. It's easy to find Medela products. I don't have to get online to buy products. I never broke anything using it (I broke a filter adapter thingy on the Hygeia pump the first time I used it). There's no deciding how fast to go. It really is simple for first-time moms (and us second-timers too!). When you buy bottles, they come 4 to a pack. Three (like Hygeia sells) is not incredibly convenient.

Hygeia EnJoye Pros
Feels like a mom & pop company (I'm not sure if it is, but, it just feels more personal). The standard flange size is 27mm (Medela's is 24). The pump is chargeable. You can charge it & then it runs on battery power (which makes this pump very portable...I've already used it in the car & I've walked around the house with it). You can control speed & strength. I'm discovering I actually get more milk when I use a faster speed the entire time. You can record your baby (not sure if I really like this...as I have hit the play button a couple of times...you hear a baby crying...and I've done it in public!!). It's a "green" pump. You can send it in to be recycled when you're done. Or, because it is designed for more than one user, you can sell it to someone when you're done. I already have someone who's asked to buy mine when I'm done. It seems a little bit lighter. Hygeia follows the WHO code about human milk.

About Both
They're both loud. They both come with a cute bag & a freezer bag. It sucks to pump. Really. I just wish I could get as much milk pumping as I know my baby gets. He's much more efficient than any pump will ever be! Here are links to BOTH websites: Hygeia & Medela.

The bad thing is, buy a pump is a huge investment. It will save you money. It is a hard decision. Please read about the companies.

Happy Pumping People!

August Sucked

2011-09-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

For so many reasons, I'm so glad it's September. For one, August just plain sucked. Yes, good things happened in August. We celebrated my mother-in-laws birthday. Addison started school. And loved it. My husband rode his first "century" (that's a 100 mile bicycle ride). But, Oklahoma also "celebrated" it's 50th day of being over 100 degrees this summer. And, worst of all, we lost my father-in-law.

On August 18, my husband called, frantically, asking if I was dressed. I thought someone was coming over. So, I said yes (and of course, I was dressed). He said they were taking his dad to the hospital. The chaplain called. Well, if you know anything about healthcare & hospitals, you know chaplains don't call just to shoot the breeze. They don't call when someone comes in for a broken limb or something minor. They call when something bad has happened.

I frantically got dressed (in more hospital-appropriate clothing), brushed my teeth, & thanked God my hair was long enough for a pony tail. And I was off. When I arrived, I found my husband sitting outside. They wouldn't let anyone back until the entire family was there. That's just about the hardes thing to have to deal with.

I'll spare you the emotional details, but we were all there (minus my sister-in-law) when my very brave & strong mother-in-law forced the chaplain to quit the bullshit & tell us what happened. I think we already knew.

As a nurse who works in a hospital, I often wondered what it felt like for families to leave the hospital after learning of a loved ones death. The hospital I work in happens to be a children's hospital primarily (for the past few years) with women's services. I see families walking around all the time. It may sound gory, but I always wondered if they had just lost someone. I thought how horrible it must be to just walk out of the hospital all alone, to go on your way, to grieve on your own, to not have a nurse or a doctor their to tell you what's going to happen next. How horrible is that. You're on your own. And, your loved one is not walking out those doors with you.

Unfortunately, I learned that day, exactly what it feels like. Now, I realize it must be different for parents. It must be different for people who walked in with the person they are leaving behind. But, I still know what it feels like to walk out without the complete family. It's sad. It's lonely. There's a lot of feeling like...what now. And yet, a million things going through your mind about stuff you have to do.

Later that day, we all met at my in-laws. This is the part where I'm going to get all "I love God & Jesus" on you...so you can quit reading if you don't want to hear it. But, I highly suggest, if you've made it this far, keep reading. This really is the best part of the story.

People were already there. People were bring food. Comforting us. Caring for us. Crying with us. Praying for us. Being there for us. It was simply amazing.

Over the next few days, we all, slowly, realized how God was watching over us. Not just that day or that week. But, forever. Some things had happened in the months prior to make the transition to life without Scottie (that's my awesome father-in-law) a smidge bit easier. And even now, in the weeks after, things are happening that make me KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, God is watching over us. Things are good. That's another thing. I always ALWAYS wondered how people who had gone through a horrible loss could say God is good. How? How could they? But, you know, God is good. God placed people in our lives to make this easier. God placed us where we were in our careers (all of us) to make this easier. It's nearly overwhelming to think of that. I have more faith now than I ever have.

Well, I've told you a lot about how we felt and what we did, but I think I should share a little about Scottie. He was stubborn as I'll get out (and I can totally see this in my husband & daughter, so I have a feeling I'll get to see his spirit live for a very very long time). It was his way or the highway (well, not always, and he usually was right). But, if he said he was going to do something, by golly he was. He was so caring & helpful. While my sister-in-law & I never had to participate in the "man school" of growing up, Scottie let us be girls. He was raising organic, free-range chickens. Now, Liz & I love to eat organic. And we also refused (in a very nice, polite way) to kill the chickens. Scottie never questioned us. He may have given us a hard time, but when it came right down to it, we didn't have to kill any birds. He even killed them humanely (now is not the time to debate humane killing, but it was the most humane way to kill chickens, and these were some stinkin' happy chickens) for me. Scottie was instrumental in making sure our kids knew what it felt like to have fun outside. Just this summer he picked Addison up one morning just to take her to pick peaches. They had dirt piles for the kids to play in.

There really wasn't much Scottie wouldn't do for someone. Just this summer, there are two things that stick out. One time, I took the kids to eat lunch (at a taco truck, so nothing inside). Remember I said we've had over 50 days of 100+ degree temperatures? Yeah, well, it was hot. And my car died. My husband was at work, 30 minutes away. And besides, he wasn't really answering his phone. So, I called Scottie. He answered. Other than to ask where I was, not one single question was asked when I told him what happened. He dropped EVERYTHING he was doing to come jump my car. I still had a few errands I had wanted to run (as it was the Friday before Father's Day & I needed to finish my husband's gift). Scottie offered to follow me to the store to get what I needed. He didn't have to do that. But he did.

Then, there was the time this summer when our washing machine went out. Again, my husband was at work. They were worried about me being home alone with the repair man (now, I really think I could have handled it, but they would have nothing of it). So, Scottie came over & literally WATCHED THE MAN WORK! He stood right there in the laundry room & watched him do his thing. When the repair man was done, Scottie came to me and said he needed money. He was there to protect me (even if I didn't think I needed it). I really appreciated it.

He was a good man. He still is. I'm so proud his spirit will live on in my husband. I'm so proud he taught my husband how to work and be a man. I'm so proud my husband learned everything he could from his dad. I know Greg will pass this on to our children. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

I'm not a hero...but I pushed a baby out of my vagina!

2011-07-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

As I contemplate the events of the past few years, and especially the event that happened almost 3 weeks, I am overwhelmed with emotion. I still can't believe this happened to me. I still can't believe I did it!

Since the birth of my daughter, I knew I would VBAC (well, shortly after her birth). I sought out to learn everything I could about VBAC. I found a provider who would support VBAC. When we got pregnant, I was excited to learn our baby was due in April....Cesarean Awareness Month.

Because this pregnancy was VERY planned (I know the exact day I ovulated and the exact day I conceived). I was nursing my daughter "still" and I knew I was pregnant at about 3 weeks (about 1 week before I missed a period). I just felt different. I was very excited, but didn't want to get my hopes up. I had only had 5 periods since I got pregnant with my daughter over 3 years before. I could've been wrong, but I didn't think so.

This pregnancy was completely different than my first, from the start. For one, I was so nauseous for the first 13 weeks. At first I was just nauseous. Horribly nauseous. Then, about 8 or 9 weeks, I started throwing up. I threw up at the drop of a hat. If I coughed, I'd vomit. If I swallowed something wrong, I'd throw up.

I failed my 1 hour glucose test. While I thought about refusing all glucose testing, I knew that because I am overweight, it'd constantly be an issue. I wanted to prove people wrong. I passed the 3 hour glucose test with flying colors.

I was doing 24 hour urine tests (to rule out pre-eclampsia) every trimester. I was eating (and drinking) completely differently. I exercised. I felt great! I loved being pregnant. I even told a couple people I wanted to be pregnant until 42 weeks. I was in school and needed more time!

As my "due" date approached, I hired a doula. I started taking evening primrose oil and drinking red raspberry leaf tea. As the date got closer and closer, I began doing more and more things to help kick start labor. I got a massage using aromatherapy and pressure points that are supposed to start labor. Many people talked to the baby, asking him to come out. I ate pineapple, Chinese food, Mexican food, and Italian food (eggplant & chicken parmesean). We had sex. I walked. I did squats. We used aromatherapy and pressure points. I pumped. I bounced on my exercise ball. I went to a chiropractor. I went to a chiropractor who specialized in needle-less acupuncture. We had a date night, we had a date day. I drank wine. I listened to hypnosis. I soaked in a bath. I read non-birth books. I TRIED to relax. I took naps.

As I approached 42 weeks, we decided (my midwife and I) to schedule an induction. My induction was scheduled for the day I would be 42 weeks. My husband & I arrived at the hospital early. Pitocin was started at around 8 am. Because I was GBS positive, I needed antibiotics. My midwife was not going to check me until I had my second dose of antibiotics (which would be around 3pm). I was on the pitocin all day. I was contracting about every 3 minutes, but they were not painful. I managed. At 3, I was 5 cm dilated. So, we kept going. Things got a little more intense around 6. I texted my doula and told her we might need her. She said she'd get some dinner and come to the hospital then. Our families showed up around 6 (with our daughter) and things stopped. My contractions really stopped, even though I was still on pitocin. As a side note (and I really hope I don't offend anyone here, but this is my honest birth story)...I really didn't want anyone there. I was worried about people "waiting" on my during my labor & birth. Despite me saying it was okay for everyone to show up, I think it still made me anxious. I got out of my groove.

Around 7 or so, my midwife checked me. I was about 6 cm, but my midwife thought my cervix was more posterior than before. We kept going with the pitocin. I would be checked again around midnight. At midnight, I was checked and I was still 6 cm. We decided to turn the pitocin off and rest. I felt bad for calling my doula so soon. Now, she was at the hospital and I wasn't even in labor. She did encourage us to rest some. I was very grateful for that. I would've kept going and going without her encouragement to rest.

About 2 am or so, we turned the pitocin back on. It really wasn't doing a whole lot this time. I started having some contractions, but not like the day before. I should say that I moved the whole time I was in labor. I walked a lot. I did some half-squats and half-lunges. I did hands & knees. I did pelvic tilts. I bounced on the ball. I took baths. It was an amazing difference from being in bed for an entire labor!

My midwife came and checked me about 3 am. I was till 6 cm. We said we'd check again about 6. At 6 am, I was still 6 cm. At that point, I told my doula I was bored. I was ready to do something. If it had been the week before, I would have just gone home, but I was 42 weeks and 1 day pregnant at this point. I was so ready to have a baby in my arms.

So, about 5 am, my midwife broke my water. (I thought it was 6, but my doula said 5, but it was just 1 hour) Just like with Addison, my contractions became very intense. I got back in the tub. I got out. I sat on the ball. I begged for pain medication. I did get one dose of Nubain. Around 6:30am, I started BEGGING for an epidural. It was incredibly intense. I started just saying I thought I wanted an epidural. After every contraction, I would beg a little more. My husband and doula knew I really didn't want one, so they really just ignored me!

Shortly after 7am, my midwife and day nurse came in. I had an urge to push. I couldn't help it. My midwife checked me then and said I was 9cm, completely effaced, and plus one station. I knew I would never believe my VBAC would be possible until I passed the point where I was in my last birth. I knew that getting past a zero station would be the hurdle I needed to cross. I couldn't NOT push at this point, so I just pushed and pushed. And pushed. I pushed in the tub. At some point in the tub, my husband said he had to go for a walk to stretch his legs. I thought it was odd, as he NEVER had said that during the previous 24 hours. He had been right there, with me or very nearby. I briefly thought, people are here. Then, I MADE myself quit thinking about that. I willed that thought out of my mind. I kept pushing. I pushed on hands & knees. Unfortunately, the most comfortable pushing position was on my back. It felt like I had constant sacral pressure and it helped with back pain so much.

Everything is so clear. I remember pushing. I remember being aware. I love that. I hope I remember it forever. I asked for a mirror to watch. I really think it helped. So I watched. At some point, I asked my midwife about the ring of fire. She said I should be feeling it at the moment. I said it wasn't that bad then. Then, with the next contraction, well, THAT WAS THE RING OF FIRE!!! Wow! But, for some reason, it actually felt good. Yes, it hurt like crazy. But, 2 things happened at that moment, at the moment I felt that extreme burning, fiery sensation. Physically, it took so much of the pain off of my back. Just not having the back pain was a welcome relief. More importantly, that ring of fire felt good because it was a very emotional and psychological turning point in my labor. I knew this baby was coming out of my vagina. I knew there was no turning back.

After FIVE hours of pushing, my beautiful baby boy was born! My midwife made sure his head & shoulders were out, then my husband caught our little baby and placed him on my belly. Sweet relief! It was an instant high! I can not even begin to explain how incredibly amazing I felt. He had a short cord, so I couldn't really see him (he only made it to my belly). Once the cord was done pulsing, my midwife cut the cord so I could finally see my little boy. He was (and still is) so beautiful.

Unfortunately, I had some bleeding after this baby (I had severe postpartum hemorrhage after Addison). We did skin to skin until I felt dizzy. My placenta was just not coming out. At some point, I asked (okay, maybe I told him) to take his shirt off. He and baby C did skin to skin while my midwife called the on-call physician. As they encouraged me to push (I kept saying my push button was not working any more!) my placenta out, my boys got to bond. I was feeling incredibly dizzy, but still very jealous of their bonding time. Eventually, my stubborn placenta came out.

The next few hours I spent trying to sit up, getting dizzy, laying down, riding the incredibly embarrassing lift machine to the bathroom (oh, and I was completely naked!), trying to pee, riding the machine back to bed, eating dinner, sleeping, just trying to feel better. After about 4 hours, I felt much better. I walked to bathroom with only a little bit of help from my husband.

It took a few days to not feel the pounding in my head when I stood up. From experience, I know this happens when I bleed a little bit.

It also took a few days to not cry everytime I thought about what I had done. I was so amazed at myself and what my body could do. I realize VBAC isn't for everyone and not everyone who wants to VBAC gets a VBAC. I am amazed at what I accomplished, at my determination, my strength. I am amazed at what I can do when I put my mind to it!

Almost 4 years later...

2011-05-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

Because I need to write my birth story, it's going to be hard to write without talking about my daughter's birth. Her birth (and I did not give birth to her, she was extracted from my body) changed me forever. Here is how I recall it....

As with any VBAC birth story, this birth was ONLY the way it was because of my first "birth" story. Since I'm not really sure I've ever written my first birth story, I'll share the short version of it. I was induced at 39 weeks & 4 days with pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure had been creeping up. The weekend before my induction, I had a really bad headache. I knew the time was coming. I must also say during my pregnancy I was very unhealthy. I had a very stressful job (I was a manager of a busy busy nursing unit). I worked long hours. I took little time for myself. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. My doctor did discuss my diet with me, but I thought it was because she was concerned about my weight. I thought she wanted me to limit my weight gain. So, I really ignored her advice (eat a high protein diet, nothing to drink except black coffee, unsweetened tea, milk, or water). I didn't exercise, except for the few prenatal yoga classes I took starting at about 32 weeks. According to my Bishop's score (I was 4 cm, 90% effaced, and minus 1 station), I had a favorable cervix. I should have had a "successful" induction. After discussing the plan with my doctor, we would use cytotec to induce. I know, I know. However, this was 4 years ago. The plan was for me to have 1 or 2 doses of cytotec and then labor on my own. Our plan was to not have to start pitocin. After my appointment, with my headache, high blood pressure, and protein in my urine, we were sent home to get our things. My husband & I went to eat some lunch then headed to the hospital. My mom was there before we were. We were all very excited!

At about 1:30pm, the first dose of cytotec was placed. I started contracting about every 5 minutes. My contractions were not painful at all. My doctor (and I) decided to break my water. Almost immediately the contractions became unbearable. Unfortunately, at the same time, I was placed on magnesium sulfate for my pre-eclampsia. I was stuck in bed. This was not in my plan. However, I moved a lot. I was constantly rolling from side-to-side. And, my cervix was changing. Then, the pain became unbearable. I first had a dose of Nubain. After about 3 hours, I was begging for my epidural. I think I was about 7 cm dilated and it was about 11 pm. The epidural was instant relief. My family & my husband's family came in to visit (they had been there the entire time). We really thought I'd have a baby soon.

But, with the epidural my movement stopped. When my movement stopped, my contractions stopped. My cervix stopped changing. At some point in the night, pitocin was started. Eventually, I was completely dilated, but with no urge to push. I think this was around 8 am. But, I pushed. I pushed in hands & knees, using the squatting bar, and on my back. I pushed with all my might. I pushed for 2 and a half hours. I did not move my daughter at all after 2 and a half hours. I was exhausted. I begged for a vacuum (she was too high...never got past 0 station). Finally, my doctor said it was up to me, but she didn't think I'd move her any more. She said I could go ahead & push for another hour or so, but I probably wouldn't get her any lower than where she was. At this point, I decided a c-section was what would be best. But, before we went to the OR, my doctor told me I would VBAC with my next baby. I didn't believe her. I didn't believe there would EVER be another baby.

My c-section was awful. While I did not feel pain, I had post-partum hemorrhage. I lost a lot of blood. That's what happens when you have magnesium, an epidural, pitocin, and you've pushed for 2.5 hours. Throughout my post-partum stay (over the next four days), I would receive Hespan (a starch that is supposed to thicken your blood...I think) and 4 units of blood. My hematocrit and hemoglobin dropped to dangerously low levels. It took me 48 hours to even get out of bed. I could not care for my daughter. I could not breastfeed. I couldn't use the bathroom by myself. I needed so much help.

As my doctor was discharging me, she told me again that I would VBAC with my next baby. Yeah, right. There won't be a next baby, is all I could think. She told me used 2 layers of sutures, just because she knew I'd want to VBAC.

I went home feeling awful. We had such a hard time caring for our precious daughter. I was having a horrible time breastfeeding (never really got that under control until she was about 2 months old). Then, I got depressed, really depressed. Not so much as in how some people have depression, but I was depressed about my birth. I knew very soon that I was not happy with my birth experience. I felt like I missed out on something, something very important, something very valuable.

At this point, I started searching for a c-section support group. I googled "c-section support group" and that's how I found ICAN. Of course, there wasn't an ICAN chapter nearby, but I found support immediately. This was a group of women who completely understood how I felt. They got it. I loved my daughter with all my heart and soul (although bonding was difficult), but I did not love the way she was brought into this world. I think it's very similar to having a horrible wedding day, but still loving your spouse. Just because the day doesn't go as planned, doesn't mean you don't love the outcome.

Slowly, I realized I would VBAC my next baby. Then, I started an ICAN chapter in my area. I became educated and empowered. I learned more about birth, c-sections, and VBAC during the next few years than some learn in their whole life. I was dedicated to having better birth outcomes.

I still do not feel completely healed from my c-section. I am sad beyond belief that I missed out on such an important time in my daughter's life. I am sad that I was not the relaxed parent that I am now. I really feel like I missed out on so much just because of my c-section.

Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman

2011-04-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

"When you gonna pop?" I realized today how much I despise this. I mean, I've always hated this, but seriously? Pop? Balloons pop, not pregnant women.
"Is your water going to break?" Well, let's see, if I knew, I'd tell you. And, if I knew, I probably would be at home, relaxing, or walking...all wearing a pad.
"Are you ready?" Um, no. 41 weeks of pregnancy is blissful. I love the amazing sleep I'm getting. I love my heartburn. I love it take all the effort I have just to freakin' roll over in bed. I love that I have to pee every 45 seconds. I love that I'm eating the weirdest things....Chinese food for breakfast today. I love that I'm too tired to work, and I'm bored out of my mind. I love it, really, I do. No really, the only thing I do absolutely love is the idea there is a beautiful little baby growing inside my uterus. I love feeling his kicks and knowing I am nourishing him.

Well, those are the big ones for now. I am irritable. I am grumpy. I may be slightly sarcastic if you ask me any of the following. No, I have no idea when the baby's coming. I am not sick. I feel good (okay, except for the rolling over at night & my grumpiness). My body knows what to do. My baby knows what to do.

41 weeks

2011-04-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I never thought I'd make it to 41 weeks. Never. Ever. It's annoying that I'm still pregnant, but I know I should enjoy each and every second of this miracle. It'll more than likely be the last time I'm ever pregnant, so I need to cherish it.

I woke up really crampy today, having some contractions. I thought it might be a good thing. I spoke it, then it disappeared. Guess I won't be live-tweeting-my-birth! It seems like every time I say something about what might be happening, my uterus gets all shy on me. I did have an NST today, which was beautiful if I must say so myself.

I have another appointment on Monday with my midwife. I do "officially" have an induction scheduled for next Friday, when I'm 42 weeks. Part of me thinks I'll be doing the induction, part of me doesn't. At this point, I really have no idea. I'm thinking of having my midwife check me & maybe strip my membranes on Monday. Just want to give things a kick start....I don't know though.

It is quite satisfying to tell people my due date WAS last Friday and I don't know what I'm dilated to. I love it. I love that my midwife trusts me and my body so much. She's not getting worked up about anything. She wanted to know how long I was comfortable being pregnant. It's really quite empowering. Everyone should have the opportunity to receive care like I've received this pregnancy. It's amazing. And, I had a really really awesome OB when I was pregnant with my daughter. There's just something different about the way a midwife takes care of you...but that's a whole other post!

40 weeks, 3 days

2011-04-25T08:34:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd be pregnant this long. I don't know why I thought I'd have a baby before now, I just did. But, I also have had a fear of NOT GOING INTO LABOR. So many people (okay, the ones who don't know about VBAC safety) have asked if I'm scared of labor. No. My answer is always no. I know the statistics, I know VBAC is safe. I know (in real life and form twitter-land and facebook) so many people who have had successful VBACs. I know it's a safer option for me.

So, I am afraid I won't go into labor. I've had contractions off and on (nothing painful, some uncomfortable though) for a few weeks now. It's annoying. I'll start having contractions, start timing them, then they quit. I've tried NOT timing them & the damn things still quit. I've had no bloody show, no mucous plug, no diarrhea, and no nesting. Nothing. Just these annoying little contractions. And I've experienced both a full moon AND a huge drop in the barometric pressure (both are believed to cause some to go in to labor...as a former L&D nurse and current high-risk OB nurse, I hate working on full moons and when it's raining).

We've tried everything....evening primrose oil, red raspberry leaf tea, natural prostaglandins & natural oxytocin, pineapple, chicken parmesan (I realize most people say eggplant, but I find eggplant parmesan to be so greasy and we have good, free-range, organic, fresh chicken available). I've gotten a 40-weeks and counting massage that focuses on pressure points to help with contractions and uses aromatherapy (specifically clary sage, lavender, and rose) that is supposed to help with labor. I've done a self-hypnosis podcast (which only resulted in my falling asleep, but it was a good sleep). I've done essentially private yoga classes (no one else showed up!!) that were focused around encouraging labor (a ton of squatting).

I'm officially giving up. Throwing in the towel. I meet with my midwife on Wednesday. I think I'm going to have her check my cervix (I will be 40 weeks & 5 days). And, I think I will schedule an induction for 41 weeks, 6 days. I'm quite sad I'm going to schedule an induction, but mentally I think it may help me "give up."

I know my chances of a successful VBAC decrease with induction. And they decrease after 40 weeks. So, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, right? I'm already past the 40 week mark. I want a healthy baby AND a healthy birth. And trust me, I want, more than anything, for this baby to be born from my vagina, not from an incision in my belly. For some reason, I'm not anxious about passing the 40 week mark and having a VBAC, I'm just not.

I still have some trust in my body. While my c-section took a lot of that trust away, breastfeeding and nourishing my daughter for nearly 3 1/2 years brought so much of that trust back. My body does work, the way it's supposed to. For now, I'm trusting, yet not really getting too excited about anything.

39 weeks....blah! blah! blah!

2011-04-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking this baby was coming for about the past week. It's getting old, old, old! I'm contracting, but nothing regular. Last night, I did start contracting fairly regularly, so I called into work. Then the contractions quit. This is truly testing my patience. Maybe if I wasn't VBACing I wouldn't be so worried/anxious/nervous/excited about this all. Actually, I'm NOT worried or anxious or nervous about labor starting, I'm more worried, anxious, and nervous about it NOT starting. I know my chances of having a successful VBAC are significantly increased if labor starts on its own. Now, don't ask me for the statistics, I just know I've read it in a million places.

And, it's hard to realize that IF I would've wanted a repeat c-section, today would be the day. Since most people do repeat c-sections at 39 weeks, today would be Baby C's birthday. But, that's okay, because who wants to be born ELECTIVELY on tax day? Surely not my child! Now, if he chooses, that's fine...besides since I've been married we've never actually filed our taxes on tax day (love those extensions, but that's a whole other story). It's just hard to know that.

Then, there's all the people posting on facebook about being induced around 39 weeks or right at 40 weeks. I am choosing not to be induced early (before 41 weeks) unless there is a problem. I am choosing to trust my body and be patient with it. I can do this. (I think I can do this!)

I'm also choosing to not be checked for dilation & effacement. With A, I was checked early and weekly. I was 4 centimeters starting the induction...and we all know how that ended. As a nurse, I've done plenty of inductions starting at closed/thick/high (closed & thick cervix, high baby) that ended in a vaginal birth the next day. Pre-labor cervical dilation tells you NOTHING about the outcome. I don't want to be disappointed in my cervix and I definitely don't want to get my hopes up about anything. I want contractions, regular contractions, to be a clue to my labor progress.

Yes, I am doing things a bit differently this time and I like it. It's against the "grain" so to speak. It's different than what a lot of my friends do, but I'm comfortable with it. I feel supported in my decisions.

I still am a little freaked out that this baby could very well come out of my vagina. While I know that's funny to think about, since it's the NORMAL way to be born, I'm so anxious to experience it. I'm so excited to VBAC, even to labor. I am so excited to do the work that millions of women before me have done. I'm excited to do the work that is actually threatened in our society today because of the alarming number of c-sections. And more importantly, I can't wait to hold my little guy. I can't wait to see his big sister meet him for the first time. I can't wait to become a family of four!

35 weeks and counting

2011-03-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how on earth I got to be 35 weeks pregnant! This pregnancy has totally flown by. Well, minus the first 13 weeks when I was incredibly nauseous. I guess I've just been super busy this pregnancy. And, it's really amazing how having a child can distract you. Not that I don't care about this pregnancy and this baby, it's just that my current child requires a lot of my attention. That and, oh, yeah, school. I'm working way less this pregnancy than the last pregnancy, but that makes me a very very happy momma. My stress level is way less this pregnancy, despite having some stressful situations. This pregnancy has just been different.

I'm more active this pregnancy & I can tell a big difference. Not only have I been doing yoga since 16 weeks this pregnancy (started at about 32 weeks with first pregnancy). While I haven't walked in a long time, I have walked more this pregnancy than I walked the entire first pregnancy. In general, I'm just more active.

I have enjoyed this pregnancy more. It's sad to say, but I don't really want this pregnancy to end. I know I probably won't ever be pregnant again. I'm savoring every moment (except those first 13 weeks). I'm enjoying every kick. Sleepless nights don't bother me so much. I love the crazy kicks this baby gives me. While I can't wait to meet him, I'm loving being a pregnant momma.

So, yeah, this pregnancy has FLOWN by! I'm really working on pregnancy affirmations right now. I know it may sound corny, but I have to do this. I think labor is going to be as much a mental battle as a physical journey. I am planning a VBAC and I have to wrap my mind around the fact my body can and will do this (when it's ready). I think about the absolutely perfect timing of this pregnancy. Absolutely perfect. And, I know that he will come when the timing is absolutely perfect. When my body feels safe and secure. I will be surrounded by those people who support me. I know that people who aren't there will be supporting me in their own way.

I'm still working through a bunch of emotional stuff right now. Hopefully, my mind will be settled and peaceful when this baby arrives. I need comfort. Until then, I will wait patiently for my perfectly timed baby.

I'm a LITTLE Pissed....how fat bias has affected me!

2011-02-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

Yea, I'm a "big" girl. I always have been. I remember being taller (and probably bigger) than EVERYONE in kindergarten. That is my first memory of my size. My mom tells me my pediatrician told her to put me on a diet when I was two. I would've fired him then and there...but I was only two. When I was 12, in 6th grade, I remember being weighed. I remember, exactly, weighing in at 135 lbs. I don't remember my height, but I couldn't have been a whole lot shorter than I am now (5'6"). But, I remember being considered "overweight." Two memories, years apart, and my issues with fat start.

The ONLY thin people in my family are the athletes. There are quite a few athletic people in my family. But, God decided not to even out the talent, and just gave a few of them a lot of ability! My brother and a few cousins played sports at the college level. Not me, and not really most of us. The rest of us, well, we're pleasantly plump.

But (and isn't there always a but?), I AM healthy. I've always had a healthy blood pressure (except those last few weeks of my first pregnancy). I've never had high cholesterol. Nothing at all. So, my health insurance at work was offering a health screening. You get weighed. You get your blood pressure taken. You get some labs drawn (a lipid profile, nicotine, cotine, & blood sugar). No big deal...right? Well, I got the results back today. And, as expected ALL of my lab results were considered normal.

But wait....aren't ALL fat people unhealthy? Shouldn't my blood pressure be high? Shouldn't my LDL be through the roof? And surely my fasting blood sugar should indicate I have diabetes, right? Well, they don't. Of course they don't. I am healthy. But, I'm fat.

So, I have to have a physician (yep, it specifically says physician) referral before I get any of the (monetary) benefits of having this health screening. Why? I'm fat. I'm also 31 weeks pregnant & WILL not participate in ANY weight loss program until my child is on the outside! Also, I refuse to take part of any aggressive weight loss while I am breast feeding. (Which is likely to be a long time!)

My other issue is with the fact it's a "Physician Referral Notice." It even says "M.D." signature. As a nurse practitioner student and a patient of a Certified Nurse Midwife, I should be able to have any qualified health professional look at this & set REASONABLE goals with me. I should be able to see an NP, a CNM, a PA, or even a DO, if I want.

And, this isn't the first time I've been affected by fat bias. I was declined for health insurance (which we ultimately declined them, so I'm not even sure if that counts) because of my weight. That was the first time I really felt fat bias. I was hurt. I was devastated. It meant I had to work part-time while attending school full-time, just to have health insurance. I've done it. And I've utilized less health care than anyone in my family during the past year.

Why is all this bias coming from insurance companies? Well, I just think they don't care about people. They care about the all-mighty dollar. Everything is black and white to insurance companies. Wow, her BMI is high. I bet she's gonna have a stroke any day. If she doesn't have a stroke, surely she'll have diabetes. And, I bet she doesn't eat healthy. And definitely doesn't exercise. Nope, not the fat ones. They eat junk food & watch TV all day, every day.

While I was griping about this to my husband, he laughs, and brings up a friend of ours who by any insurance standards would be considered "obese." He's a police officer in a very large metropolitan city. He's also a body builder. He is probably 5'10" and weighs probably 220 pounds. I calculated a BMI based on those measurements. It's 31.6. So, maybe he could get health insurance....if he cut is leg off. In all reality, this nameless police officer probably has a waist circumference of 30" (my guess) and probably has less than 5% body fat. Now, I'm not saying he is HEALTHY, because I think that's just gross. And he is doing weird things to his body (we are NOT supposed to look like that!). But, he is NOT fat. Not in any way shape or form. But, if you look at his BMI, he's obese. Really? Come on!

So, my thoughts.....THE BMI SUCKS!!!!

It's a horrible indicator of health. It tells you nothing, except how a ratio of height to weight. It does not take into account muscle mass, body type, or health. Nothing. I hate it. I know skinny people who are more unhealthy than I am.

When I'm in practice, I refuse to use the BMI as a health indicator. There's my promise to all of you. Come see me (in about a year and half) and I will not calculate your BMI. I may not even weigh you.

What?!?!

2011-02-21T18:41:00.000-08:00

What?!? Okay, I'm not exactly the most consistent blogger, but really, TWO MONTHS? Well, I guess life has been happening to me...so I haven't done anything...well, blog wise. So, here's what's been up....

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant (and I need to be about 24)....we're not ready. There's just not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished before baby arrives. And no, I'm not necessarily concerned with stocking his closet or anything like that. Now, I would like to have a name. A name would be good, right? Also (and this IS crazy), I'd like to have his room ready. I'm really not sure why on this one. Our daughter doesn't sleep in her room at the age of 3. But, we have bedding picked out & just need to get it! I don't care if his room is painted or not. I would love for my husband to get the bassinet/co-sleeper ready before the baby arrives. So, once the crib (like I said, the one he's NOT going to use) is ready & we have a few diapers, I'm good.

Now about school....I've been crazy busy with school this term. In the past terms, school was primarily a Monday through Friday deal for me. I quit studying late afternoon. Rarely did I do school-work in the evenings or on the weekends. This term...all 8 hours of it...is taking me under! Of course, I am in the middle of the 2 busiest weeks of the term. Once March gets here, it's all down hill. My classes are good & I think I'm learning! :) I still feel overwhelmed by the thought of having to KNOW this stuff! And to be able to use it.

Work....work is work. We've been rather busy for most of the year. But, we haven't had anything horrible or been so overwhelmed there. Just busy. I've had really awesome patients lately, and that makes me one happy girl.

So, that's about it for me. Maybe it won't be 2 months until I blog again. But, if it is, I'll probably be the mom of 2! (Aaagggghhhhh!!!!!!)

Resolutions

2010-12-30T14:58:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year where we all vow to lose weight...except I don't have to do that this year! I did think I should have some New Year's Resolutions this year, just because I need to, because we need to be better people every year. Here they are, in no particular order:

(1) Give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby. Of course, my dream is to VBAC, but I would rather have a healthy baby. Yes, I will be greatly disappointed if I do not VBAC, so I'm working very hard to make that easier.

(2) Eat healthier. I've made a lot of changes over the past year, but I do have a ways to go. I eat tons of healthy food, I just love my junk food too. I need to quit sugar for good.

(3) Balance the budget. Just our little family budget, but it's a start.

(4) Get out of debt (minus my school loan). This won't be hard because we're not far from it! Yay! This is a very short term goal....will be done by mid-February.

(5) Be a better mother. Since we will be welcoming a little boy into our lives, I will be challenged with mother two children. I'm nervous about sharing my time, but I'm excited.

(6) Be a better Christian. Lead a daily devotional life. The church we go to, St. Luke's UMC in OKC, challenged everyone to this last year. I didn't make it. I would love to do a much better this year.

(7) Get organized. Really organized. I'm very unorganized. I'm ready to get organized. Now, when is that going to happen?

(8) Disconnect more. Enjoy life more. :)

My Baby Boy & My Big Girl

2010-12-06T10:25:00.000-08:00

It's a boy! Of course, I knew it was a boy from the second I had a positive pregnancy test, but boy parts were confirmed by a professional on Thursday. I felt different from the beginning (much like my sister-in-law's boy pregnancy). Most people thought it was a boy. We were all right!

I must admit, I am a little nervous about having a boy. The dirt doesn't scare me. Motorcycles, skate boards, and BMX bikes don't even scare me. It's the damn frogs I'm terrified of. I pray my son will not be a frog boy. I really have a debilitating fear of frogs. I've never touched one and I'm not even sure I could do it for my son. Really. Bring on the bikes, dirt, and really just about anything else. If my son is anything like my husband, he will have at least a thousand injuries due to his stunts, but that's okay. I'm prepared for trips to the ER. I'm prepared to build a half-pipe in my back yard. I am prepared...even a little excited. But, please please please, no frogs.

I'm also torn as to the whole circumcision thing. I know many people are stuanchly for or against this. I've always had the thought my son should look like his dad. But, now, more than anything, I'm just not 100% sure I want a piece of his body removed when he's not even one day old. Regardless of what anyone says, it just does not feel normal, even though it is a completely "normal" procedure. I've seen circumcisions done & it is scary. We'll see, we have 20 weeks to decide!

Now, my big girl. My big girl who is throwing tantrums. My big girl who no longer has fat cheeks. My big girl who is going to be the best big sister ever. It's so sad, yet so exciting to see her grow into a child. I have conversations with her. She can brush her teeth and wash her face all by herself. She showers alone (well, with me or daddy nearby). She can almost get dressed alone...and undressed. She's such a grown up little girl.

What am I going to do? Enjoy every single second of it!

17 weeks, 4 days

2010-11-16T18:13:00.000-08:00

In just a few weeks, I'll be almost halfway through this pregnancy. Frankly, that freaks me out. I don't know if I'm ready. Okay, I know I'm not ready.

My midwife is retiring in 6 weeks! SIX WEEKS! I have over 20 weeks left.

I need a new midwife. I've had the unfair advantage of knowing all of my providers before they were my providers (nurse perks), but now there are THREE new midwives at our hospital. Three? I don't have the time to interview three. So, after my next appointment, I'm just going to see one of the midwives and hope she's the one. Don't worry, I have questions to ask. But, I'm really hoping she's the one & I don't have to have fragmented care for the rest of my pregnancy. My current midwife says the one I will see first is most like her. Fingers are crossed!

And, I need a doula. Oh do I need a doula. This will be hard. I know many of the doulas. I definitely know my top choices (as in know them personally, know their kid's names, have known them for a more than a year). I am worried. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't want them to not want me as a client. What if I'm difficult? How do I even think about starting? I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I'm giving my husband the decision.

Am I ready to VBAC? I sure hope so. But, doubt is creeping it's ugly head into my life. I hate that demon. Hate it. I'm trying to get rid of that fear. I'm just afraid of failure. Afraid I won't VBAC. Afraid I can't. Fear. Doubt. GET OUT OF MY LIFE! I just have to remind myself...every single freaking day...my body was designed to give birth. I CAN DO THIS! If for some reason, I have a c-section, it will not be because I didn't try. Not that I didn't try the first time, there were just things I could have done differently.

Then, the 'if only's' start. And, that's where I try try try not to give myself a guilt trip over the last pregnancy, but try to use it as motivation for this pregnancy.

If only I wasn't pre-eclamptic...so, much much less stress this pregnancy, better diet (of course this is an ongoing battle), more water, more exercise (I really think I've already exercised more this pregnancy than I did the entire 40 weeks of the first).

If only I didn't gain 60 pounds...okay, see above. I'm working on it.

If only my baby wasn't asynclitic...exercise, exercise, exercise. I'm doing lunges & squats out the whazoo, but could be doing more.

So, I face the 'if onlys' and try to get them out of my life. This pregnancy is different. This birth will be different. I am a different person.

I Have a Big Girl

2010-11-09T19:55:00.000-08:00

Well, my daughter is officially a big girl. She hasn't had milk in over a week....I think. I've heard so many weaning stories and most of them end with the mom not exactly remember the last time she nursed. Mine's exactly the same. We were down to once every couple of days, and now it's been about a week. She still asks for it, but she's not begging for it. Tonight, she just said that she wanted milk and I said there wasn't any, to which she laughed a little bit and rolled over. The past couple of times she's asked that's how it's been.

Even though it wasn't 100% child-led weaning, I'm 100% comfortable with how it went (or how it's going, just in case it's not over!). I think it happened very gently and with so much love. It was very gradual. However, she was really getting to where she only asked every few days, so even without my Encouragement, we were headed there.

I could have nursed forever...had I had milk and it didn't hurt. It was easy. It was lazy. It was the miracle drug. If she was sleepy, it woke her up. If she was cranky, it made her happy. If she was exhausted, it eased her into a peaceful slumber. If she was having a tantrum, it instantly calmed her. Nothing even comes close to the miracle-ness of breastmilk! Not that I'm bashing formula, but try finding a formula that does that!

In other news, the big girl now pretty much goes to sleep on her own! We broke down and let her start watching movies to fall asleep. We started Saturday. I worked Saturday. Greg put a movie in (in our room, we haven't decided to get a TV/DVD player for her room yet). It took a while Saturday night, but she finally gave it up. Sunday, she was in bed by 8pm, alseep by 8:45 (of course, I was at work & didn't get to enjoy this). Last night, Monday, she went to bed about 8:30pm. It took about 2 hours, but I didn't stay in the room with her. Greg & I were trying to watch a movie, but I should've just stayed in there. Tonight, I read her some books then started the movie. We were both asleep in about 30 minutes. Greg came in there about 9:15pm (we went in there about 8pm) and woke me up, but I'm pretty sure we were out around 8:30pm. We're making progress!

And in baby news, I feel like I'm getting huge! I'm now 16 weeks....and 4 days to be exact! I had some yucky upper respiratory infection that I FINALLY got rid of after about 2 weeks. I start prenatal yoga tomorrow, so I'm very excited about that!

12 weeks, 6 days

2010-10-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

Wow! Time sure has flown by during this pregnancy! I'm feeling SOOOO much better. I've started taking B6. I still feel nauseous sometimes & I have a gag reflex that is super sensitive. I've also started taking chewable prenatal vitamins (not Flinstones). I've always thought it was weird to recommend pregnant women to take children's vitamins.

Crazy as it may sound, I'm pretty sure I've felt this little one move already. It's nothing big, just the little flutters. I know what to feel for this time, so I think that's why I'm more sensitive to it. It's such a fun feeling! Of course, I can't wait to feel BIG movements. I'm so excited for Addison to experience feeling the baby move too. She's so excited and can't wait to be a big sister.....of course, she knows she already is a big sister.

Speaking of Addison, she is having the hardest time sleeping at night. It takes at least an hour to get her to sleep. She is very needy and still wants to nurse at night. It's wearing me out. I'm not sure what to do...so, if someone out there actually reads this & you have an idea, please please please let me know. I thought we'd let Addison wean herself, but I think she's totally addicted. Maybe one day!

I have an appointment tomorrow. I'm so excited to hear the heart beat! We need to start looking for another midwife, since our amazing midwife is retiring three months before my due date! I'm sort of dragging my feet, hoping she'll stay!

11 weeks, 4 days

2010-10-06T14:18:00.000-07:00

I decided to listen to my midwife. She told me to take B6 for nausea. Really, looking back, I'm not sure why I didn't actually take it way sooner than what she told me. It works! It's not perfect, but it's a huge improvement.

Here's how the past week has been --

Nausea is much improved for the most part.

I'm still having crazy vivid dreams. Some are very interesting and feel very real. It's weird.

Pregnancy hormones are totally kicking in (which could also be why I'm feeling less nauseous...that placenta is finally making hormones instead of my body). I got teary-eyed at my daughter's gymnastics the other day. The kids get to ring a bell when they do something for the first time. A couple of girls (maybe 7 or 8) did stuff for the first time and they got to ring the bell. Wow. Let's just say I'm glad it wasn't my child! I would have been sobbing. Lots of little things (and big things) are making me emotional. So, YAY FOR MY PLACENTA! Oh, and my sex drive (the husband is thrilled about this!).

My uterus is feeling full. I'm sure if my belly wasn't so fluffy to begin with, you might be able to see a small bump. I'm feeling some tightening. Not sure what that is, but I'm not going to worry. Maybe it's just growing. It's never painful, so that's good. No bleeding either.

I still worry about things like placenta previa. But, like I said, no bleeding, so maybe we're good. I don't know though.

I'm totally craving Mexican food right now. I eat it. A LOT. Everyone, including me, thinks this is a boy. I'm a little nervous about the whole boy thing, but I trust God will only give me what I can handle.

Addison is closer and closer to being weaned every day. She barely asks for milkies anymore. She told me she knows she doesn't need them anymore. So sad. And happy.

Life is good!

Weaning

2010-09-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

For a while now, my daughter has been telling me I have no milk. And nursing is ANNOYING. More annoying than ever. I'd rather nurse a newborn and have that toe-curling pain. Maybe. But, really, it's annoying. It just feels irritating. I don't know how to describe it. We've been telling little A for a while now that if she learns to sleep in her bed and quits having milk she might get a trampoline.

The other night, we started a sticker system for sleeping and no-milk nights. She gets one sticker for going to sleep with no milk, one sticker for going to sleep in her bed, and two stickers for sleeping in her bed all night. She has not had milk since Monday morning!!!! It's not been the easiest thing for her. She did ask for milk less last night than the night before, so maybe we're getting somewhere.

Honestly, I never thought I'd be bribing my kid to quit having milk. But, I also never thought I'd be nursing an almost 3 1/2 year old! Desperate times call for desperate measures. No really, you can judge me if you want, but it has come to the time that I am no longer physically comfortable nursing. I wish it didn't annoy/hurt/irritate me like it does and I wish I had milk.....because, that stuff is MAGICAL! It does put her to sleep so easily.

Another incentive is to help little A learn to sleep by herself. With a new sibling coming this spring, I don't think we can physically handle struggling with two non-sleepers.

So, what's the incentive? Well, I mentioned she gets stickers. She has the potential to get 4 stickers/night. She has three stickers for 2 nights of sleeping (the first night no milk & going to sleep in her room, the second night was only no milk). When she gets 80 stickers she gets to call Santa and tell him she wants a trampoline. She is VERY excited about calling Santa. Since it's only September, we figure we have some time.

What do you think? Are we bad? Is this terrible? I hope not. Please don't be rough. I have no other ideas on how to gently wean my lovely daughter who happens to be addicted to my milkies.

10 weeks, 3 days....WOW, how did I get to be that far?

2010-09-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

It feels like just yesterday I was taking pregnancy tests and yet, I have less than 2 weeks until my 2nd trimester.

Last Friday, September 17, we had our first midwife appointment. We got to see our little baby. I think my husband was much more emotional about it than I was. I think it was relief for me...relief there was a baby and relief there was only one baby. I'm slightly a worrier. Just slightly. I worried I had an ectopic pregnancy. I worried I had a molar pregnancy. I worried I had two babies (which would have been the best of all options and we would have been happy, but TWO?). So, I was very relieved when I saw the ultrasound. And of course, that set of worries has been replaced by a new set (gestational diabetes and placenta previa are my current worries).

We went to Breckenridge, Colorado for a little family vacation right after my midwife appointment. It was so relaxing and peaceful. Some days my "morning sickness" never roared it's ugly head. And then, there were days like last Thursday. I barfed. In public. On Main Street. At lunchtime. Fun! I had just eaten an amazing crepe and was feeling pretty good about everything. I decided to try to take my prenatal vitamins (since I had been pretty bad about taking them). I'm using Rainbow Light prenatal vitamins and you are supposed to take 6 a day. They are a bit smaller, so it's usually okay. I don't take 6 at once, I usually divide them between meals. As soon as that damn vitamin hit the back of my throat I gagged. Then, I found a pretty little tree and vomited up all of my pretty little crepe. My poor husband and daughter. He kept telling her that mommy just didn't feel good.

So, now, I'm back home, trying desperately to get this nausea under control. There are some things that are helping. Smells annoy me. I threw up this morning just because of the smell of our plug-ins. Out they came. Eating protein helps. I don't want protein. I want carbs. I want soft, floury biscuits. I do not want chicken, but I eat it. Keeping my blood sugar stable is helping. I often eat a stick of cheese in the middle of the night to help with the morning nausea.

I ate a lot of gum in Colorado (okay, I didn't EAT it, I chewed it). I realized the gum, although it was helping my ears, it was hurting my belly. I remembered from my sugar-free diet this summer that aspartame can kill your insulin levels. My body was thinking I had something sweet, so my insulin increased. Increasing insulin will lower your blood sugar fast. So, the drop in blood sugar cause an increase in my nausea. I quit chewing gum and it helped quite a bit.

I will continue to eat every couple of hours (although it's not the floury, carby goodness I would so love to eat). I will try anything to get this "morning sickness" to go away!

Week 8 Update

2010-09-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my last day of week 8!! Only 3 more weeks until I'm in my second trimester & hopefully feeling less queasy!

I went to the chiropractor today & she adjusted me for nausea and heartburn. I'm hoping it works. Of course, I threw up this afternoon, so who knows. Now, I did feel better after my adjustment. I was washing some fruit with was fruit spray and I started coughing, then I started yacking. That's what I get for eating a swiss roll. :) Because that's all I threw up.

I bought some ginger tonight. I took some tonight, so maybe that'll help. I hope so. And I'm trying my hardest to take my prenatal vitamins....they have B6 & ginger root extract in them. Both are supposed to help with nausea.

Our first appointment is Friday. I'm so excited to hear the heartbeat and hopefully see our little one!

Yep! I'm Pregnant!

2010-09-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

So, I have a really hard time keeping a secret. Any secret, but I kept my pregnancy secret for a while. I still haven't totally announced it to the world (aka Facebook). There are a bunch of people I work with on my Facebook, so I'm waiting a bit (next Friday, 9/17, to be exact). But, since I'm pretty sure none of them read my little blog, I thought I'd blog about what the last few weeks have been like (finally!). I've been wanting to post about this for a while now. So, here goes:

July 30 -- Very planned date night. Husband closed on a house this day. He told me way in advance he wanted to go out and celebrate. I checked my calendar for two things...(1) if I was working (nope) and (2) if I was ovulating (yep). We went to the movies and to dinner. We even splurged and stayed in a hotel downtown. Just because. So, technically speaking, this was the start of Week 2 of pregnancy! :) The rest of the week went by uneventfully. But, I was convinced our little sperm and egg didn't meet that night (what a pessimist).

Week 3 -- Believe it or not, I knew I was pregnant by week 3. I even posted something on twitter asking about how early anyone had known they were pregnant. I was TIRED beyond belief this week. My boobs were starting to hurt. I was cramping a little. I was trying to not get to psyched up, so I convinced myself I was just going to have a killer period. I started taking pregnancy tests this week. Of course, they were all negative. I think I took five or something crazy, ridiculous like that.

Week 4 -- Day 1 - I had to work that night (I'm not a hooker, I'm a night shift nurse), so I needed to take a nap. But, I really wanted to take one more pregnancy test. I texted my husband to see what he thought. He said to JUST TAKE IT. I did. It was a big fat positive! I texted him back asking when he was coming home. He said later. I tried and tried to get him to come home right away, telling him I needed more pregnancy tests now. He wouldn't/couldn't come back. So, I tried to sleep. I couldn't. I was too excited! Week 4 brought more sore boobs and more cramps and pure happiness. We did tell our families very early this time. You know, sometimes people don't want to tell "just in case something happens." Our thoughts were we'd tell them "if something happened." Sadly, we got mixed responses. I'm not sure why. They say they were shocked, but the response was, "Oh, you're telling people already" and walking away. Hmmm. Well, my response was, "You're not just 'people' to me. We'd tell you if anything happened." Of course, I have a chip on my shoulder and think it's because this person thinks I'm too fat to get pregnant right now. Another response from this family was "Well, I'm glad we hadn't put up the baby bed." Geez, glad we could be convenient for you. Glad we could save you some trouble. Others were very excited for us...which is very exciting for us!

Week 5 -- The sore boob saga continues. Since I'm still nursing, this is not helping the situation at all. Oh wow. Nothing exciting happened this week.

Week 6-- Nausea central sets in. I was nauseous with my daughter, but not like this. Maybe it's because I'm home during the day now and I have time to think about it. I don't know. It's way worse this time. I had been eating very good so far, but nausea is no friend to wanting to make healthy choices for me. I know it should be, but I'm incapable of eating right when nauseous.

Week 7 -- More nausea. More sore boobs, not so much crampy. I can feel my uterus growing (damn adhesions). I am so nauseous one night at work, I try to induce vomiting. No luck. I have the world's strongest gag reflex. Another coworker encourages me to eat every 2 hours, and include proteins every single time I eat. So, I confess my tomato sandwich, pickles, and dried fruit were probably not the best choice that night before work (hmmm, carbs, carbs, carbs). I eat protein and feel better almost immediately. Today, 7 weeks, 4 days, I am home and will try my hardest to eat proteins every 2 hours.

So, that's the last month or so for me! We're very excited, but it's so hard to be excited when you're nauseous. I'm ready for this to go away so I can enjoy this pregnancy!

My "For-Now" Bucket List

2010-08-26T06:45:00.000-07:00

I saw this on Baby Making Machine's blog and thought it was a cute idea. She did a "Baby Bucket List." What a great idea. Things I'd like to do before my next baby. Since I'm fresh out of ideas for blogs lately, I have resorted to gently borrowing ideas from other people. Here's my before-next-baby-bucket-list:

(1) Get active...swim, walk, yoga....at least 4 times/week.

(2) Clean out the extra bedroom.

(3) Go through old baby clothes.

(4) Go through old maternity clothes.

(5) Read all my birth books (not your old run-of-the-mill books....Ina May, Henci Goer, Pam England, Ricki Lake/Abby Epstein, Jennifer Block are in my library).

(6) Believe in myself and my ability to push out a baby.

(7) Hire a doula.

(8) Get my 3-year-old to sleep in her own bed...all night...without an hour struggle every night.

(9) Eat healthier. (I am on my way to this, so I hesitate putting it on here, but I will.)

Hmmm....sounds more like a to-do list. Kinda boring, but oh well, maybe I'd edit it later.

Now, off to start #1.

My 3-Year Old Nursling

2010-08-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

I never in a million years (or at least my 32 years) thought I would nurse my daughter for 3 years....okay, almost 3 and a half. But, here we are. I was committed to child-led-weaning, but now I would opt for GENTLE mother-encouraged weaning. Obviously, I'm not forcing the issue, or I wouldn't be nursing at all.

Well, lately I've had less and less milk. It has been really hard on A. She struggles at night. She doesn't know how to go to sleep without milk (a whole different story). Our nighttime routines have been challenging at best. Fortunately, I have still been able to successfully nurse all of her stuffed animals. They don't seem to mind. :)

Today, we were mattress shopping. Yea, if you know what I'm going to say, well, let's just say I had no idea it was going to happen! I laid down. She laid down. Then, right there in the middle of the store, my lovely daughter pulled my shirt up and said "MILKIES!" Okay, well, now I was embarrassed. The entire furniture store saw my fat belly and hopefully not my giant milkies! I don't think they heard her say 'milkies', but who cares about that. This coninued....every time we laid down..."MILKIES!" But, I knew better and held my shirt down on each new mattress.

Geez, talk about associations!

Patience

2010-08-07T19:09:00.000-07:00

I have no patience. Right now, I'm waiting on two things. Both of which, are out of my hands right now. For both, I've done all I can do. Both will affect me deeply, one more so than the other. One involves my school (I did not-so-hot on a test on Friday...failing by 1 EFFING point). It was one quiz. I'm not the best test-taker. But, I submitted extra credit. So....I'm patiently waiting, while respecting my professors need for a weekend, for her to respond to my e-mails. Patiently, respectfully waiting.

The second thing I'm waiting for involves my uterus. I ovulated 8 days ago. I'm not very patient. I want to know answers right now...okay, yesterday would have been better.

Regardless of what happens in both situations, I know God knows the answer already. I know God will do what is RIGHT and BEST. I may not understand right now. But, I will have faith that the best thing will happen. I have to...it's the only thing that is helping me with the waiting!

Going sugar free!

2010-08-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

Awhile back, I posted something about how I wanted to give up sugar for Lent. I was still addicted to sweets. Loved them. I love bread, sugar, potatoes, anything with sugar or sugar like substances in it.

Then, I started nurse practitioner school. I learned so much my first term. But, two very important things I learned affected me personally. I started putting things together. I realized I had to change. But, I was changing a culture, something I had "known" my entire life.

First, I learned insulin is really the root of all evil, not fat. For so long, I have thought fat was bad. I never ever used butter, full-fat milk, or anything like that. As I learned more about insulin, I grew scared of what I was doing to myself. I learned that insulin causes cells to grow abnormally, causing tumors. Insulin causes you to store body fat.

Next, I learned about aspartame. See, one professor, made a comment, obesity was never a problem in the U.S. until the introduction of aspartame. That really made me wonder....did we eat more because we thought it was okay, since we were using aspartame OR did the aspartame make us fat? I learned it was really a combination of the two.

I put those ideas together. Here's an example to illustrate my point: you drink a diet coke (hmmm, I miss those), you drink a lot of aspartame. Your body TASTES something sweet. Your poor little pancreas thinks you've eaten sugar. They really did a good job making aspartame, to trick your body like that. Your pancreas releases insulin because it thinks you have eaten sugar. Your body must release insulin when you eat sugar, to be able to move the sugar into cells. What results, from the aspartame plus rise in insulin, is extra insulin. Your body stores body fat as a result. Plus, because you have this extra insulin, you ARE hungrier...it's your body's attempt at balancing the insulin/glucose teeter-totter in your body.

So, yes, aspartame is making us fat. But, it's because of insulin.

On July 12, I gave up all sugar, grains, breads, and good that act like sugar (aspartame, splenda, honey, all sweeteners basically...except stevia). As of last Friday, I had lost 11 pounds. Then, I did something dumb (well, what I ate was dumb)...I went on a date with my husband. We went to the movies. I drank a diet dr. pepper (not as good as I remembered), ate popcorn, and had some lovely junior mints. Wow! That's a lot of sugar, I know. Then, we went to dinner. I did drink some red wine there (that's okay in moderation) and ate some bread (ugh!) and a lovely molten chocolate cake (I would do that again, but it was homemade!). I felt like crap!

I gained about 5 pounds in that one day. I tried to eat a pancake the next morning...I was trying to get all the sugary cravings out! Fortunately, the pancake was gross. That was 4 days ago. I'm only 3 pounds away from my 11 pound mark.

So, what do I eat? Eggs, cheese (not fat-free), butter (not by itself), meat (organic, usually local), all the fruits I want (except watermelon, because of it's high glycemic index), all the veggies I want (except peas, corn, and all potatoes, because of their truly starchy nature), nuts, nut butters (lots of peanut butter, but we eat local peanut butter with peanuts and salt listed as the ONLY ingredients). For dinner last night, I had grilled chicken legs, brussel sprouts, chilled tomato soup, and salad (with blue cheese, tomatoes, olive oil, and red wine vinegar). It was yummy.

We buy fruit, veggies, and eggs every week now. I have more energy and feel better about myself. I have already noticed a difference in my clothing!

Officially, I am following Dr. Olson's Sugar Free Challenge. I love it!

"There's no breastfeeding here!"

2010-08-03T07:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, on twitter, a coffee shop in Tulsa, OK posted that they saw a woman breastfeeding and that there is no breastfeeding in their store. Of course, they quickly said they were joking (how convenient). In Oklahoma, there are 2 very specific laws regarding breastfeeding. The Oklahoma State Health Department gives cards to women, after they give birth, with the laws on them. I happen to carry one in my purse.

HB 2102 (since 2004) gives women the right to breastfeed wherever they have a right to be AND they shall be excused from jury duty upon request.

HB 2358 (since 2006) allows moms to use unpaid (boo!) break and meal times to breastfeed or pump at work. This law also urges employers to provide a place for women to pump, other than a toilet stall.

When my daughter was a newborn, I always used a cover-up to nurse her. I was modest. Of course, I'm not entirely comfortable with my large breasts. And, there is hardly a way to nurse without exposing half of my upper body. So, I use a cover-up. I'm not sure what I'll do with the my next child, but I will breastfeed it public. Maybe I'll cover up, maybe I won't.

It's frustrating that women are being harassed to either not breastfeed in public at all or to cover-up. For one, we don't eat our meals on the toilet. And two, we don't eat under blankets. Babies, of all people (and yes, they are people), should be afforded those same rights.

Perhaps next time I'm in Tulsa, I'll stop by the Double Shot. It's not that I'm against them, I just think it's a sad example of how our society views breastfeeding. The ultimate reward would be for them to have a "Nursing Mothers and Babies Welcome Here" sticker from the Oklahoma State Health Department.

Maybe I'll take them one!

Baby-Wearing

2010-07-28T08:36:00.000-07:00

I really wish I could give credit where credit is due...I did not take these pictures! :) Well, obviously, since I'm wearing the baby. :) A. was about 3 months old here. We were at the zoo, it was HOT and she loved to sleep in that mei tei. Whew!

Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added throughout the day.

Amy @ Anktangle—http://www.anktangle.com/2010/07/wordless-wednesday-babywearing-in-first.html">wordless wednesday: babywearing in the first week

Timbra @ Bosoms & Babes—http://bosoms-and-babes.blogspot.com/2010/07/every-wear-we-go.html">Every-WEAR we go

Yuliya @ She Suggests—http://www.shesuggests.com/2010/07/27/babywearing-fashion-show/">Babywearing Fashion Show

Kaitlin Rose @ Bring Birth Home—http://bringbirthhome.com/babywearing/babywearing-photos/">Babywearing Photo Virtual Fashion Show

Melodie @ Breastfeeding Moms
Unite!—http://www.breastfeedingmomsunite.com/2010/07/sentimental-baby-carrier/">Sentimental Baby Carrier

Shelly @ Lousy Mom—http://lousymom.com/content/worst-babywearing-photo-ever">Worst babywearing photo ever

Kate @ KateIsFun—http://kateisfun.blogspot.com/2010/07/wordless-wednesday-babywearing.html">Wordless Wednesday: Babywearing

Lauren @ Hobo Mama—http://www.hobomama.com/2010/07/wordless-wednesday-breastfeeding-and.html">Wordless Wednesday: Breastfeeding and babywearing

Emily @ Baby Dickey—http://babydickey.com/2010/07/28/wordless-wednesday-babywearing/">Wordless Wednesday: babywearing

Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—http://wp.me/pDcm9-lS">Wordless Wednesday: Every Babywearing Photo

Natasha @ naturalurbanmama—http://www.naturalurbanmama.com/2010/07/wordless-wednesday-babywearing-photos.html">Wordless Wednesday: My Favourite Babywearing Pics

Renee @ Just the 5 of us!—http://yeoman5.blogspot.com/2010/07/baby-wearing.html">Baby Wearing

Brooke @ Milk Maid Mama—http://milkmaidmomma.blogspot.com/2010/07/baby-wearing.html">Baby Wearing

Veronica @ Crunchy VT Mommy—http://www.crunchyvtmommy.com/2010/07/wordless-wednesday-babywearing-photos.html">Wordless Wednesday: Babywearing Photos

And of course the guest poster on the Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is Sherrie Green—http://breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com/2010/07/28/wordless-wednesday-babywearing-photos/">Wordless Wednesday: Babywearing Photos

Why I Chose to Breastfeed

2010-07-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

Welcome to The Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival!

This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe's Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on The Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today's post is about Importance of Breastfeeding. Please read the other blogs in today's carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!

I've been a little SWAMPED with school, so I didn't post the previous two days. Here's what you missed:
Wordless Wednesday...ironically, I have two pictures of myself breastfeeding. TWO! And, they're both mostly head shots of me. One is at a restaurant and you can only see my face. The other is an extremely adorable picture of my daughter's head and me. Her foot is up on my chest. That's it. Maybe with baby #2, I'll be brave enough to take more pictures!

Yesterday's Carnival post should have been about how my birth experience impacted nursing...
I really thought I had written about my "birth." I guess I have not shared that here. But, that goes along with the importance of breastfeeding and why I chose (and committed fully) to nursing my daughter.
When I was pregnant, and even before, I knew I'd nurse. I have an awesome sister-in-law who was an excellent example. She nursed her first daughter for a year. It could be done. Women in Oklahoma do breastfeed for more than 6 weeks!

Then I got pregnant. I did not take breastfeeding classes. I thought I knew it all (yeah, right!). No one prepared me for how hard breastfeeding is. It's truly an art. Then came A's birth. A. was born via c-section after 24 hours of labor (induction for pre-eclampsia) and 2.5 hours (included in the 24 hours) of pushing. I was devastated. Heartbroken. Fortunately, I had the most awesome nurse, who, despite my post-partum hemorrhage (the real deal, lots and lots and lots of blood) got Addison to latch on. Not only did she did A. to latch on within, probably, less than 1 hour from her birth, she did so as I was actively bleeding. That simple act helped me so much. The bond was formed. The connection was made.
The next 48 hours were a totally different story. I got 2 units of Hespan (a starch that is used as a volume expander...trying to avoiding getting blood), was on Magnesium Sulfate, was out of it, and got 2 units of blood. My blood pressure was 140s/40s...for real. That's because my hemoglobin dropped dramatically. I felt awful. A. got very little, if any, of my milk in that first 48 hours. Daddy (and the entire family) learned to syringe feed (formula) during this time.

At 48 hours, I went to the mom/baby unit. I struggled over the next 48 hours. I got 2 more units of blood. I saw every lactation consultant (almost) employed at the hospital. I pumped. I resigned myself to being okay with formula and breastfeeding. My nurses (who happened to be my employees, as I was their manager) comforted me, consoled me, told me formula was okay. I was heartbroken.
But, somewhere...maybe the ride home...maybe the first morning we woke up to a room full of bottles...I don't really know.....somewhere though, it hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I did NOT have the birth I wanted. In fact, I despised the way my daughter was born. I felt respected. I loved (and still do) my OB. She was so awesome and encouraging and supportive. She told me I'd VBAC next time. So, it had nothing to do with the way I felt during surgery. I hated my recovery. I hated having MY child cut from me. So, I decided I would NOT give up on breastfeeding.

Then, I had milk supply issues. Huge issues. As in, my milk didn't "come in" for 2 weeks. For 2 weeks, I breastfed, pumped, and fed A. formula. No wonder I was exhausted and had a horrible recovery. I was always feeding or preparing to feed my daughter! When I saw my OB at my 2 week visit, I nearly begged for her permission to quit breastfeeding. After all, I thought, if she thought it was okay, it would be okay. Well, she told me it would be okay...but to keep breastfeeding. Grrr, not what I wanted to hear. But, I did not want to disappoint her. Or myself. Or my daughter. (Probably in reverse order!)
Little A did not get the birth she deserved. She would get the food she deserved. So I nursed. And nursed. I took fenugreek (per my OB's recommendation). At about 6 weeks, it all sunk in. Nursing was suddenly easy. I vowed quitting at any time, was still indeed quitting. And I vowed never to quit. (On a side note, I think it's okay to quit at 3 years...where we are now!)

Other than psychologically mending my relationship with my daughter...it has helped her health. She has been a healthy little girl. Compared to my nephews, who only got a little breast milk (less than 1 week), she is absolutely healthy!

And, I'm frugal. And green. Think of all the money I saved! And water!

And, that, is how breastfeeding became so important to me.

Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added throughout the day.

Sylko @ Chaotic Mama—http://chaoticmama.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/breastfeeding-carnival-importance-of-breastfeeding/">Breastfeeding Carnival: Importance of Breastfeeding

Sara @ The Covered Wagon—http://thecoveredwagon.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/nursing-a-food-allergic-child">Nursing a Food Allergic Child

Shelly @ Lousy Mom—http://lousymom.com/content/importance-breastfeeding">Importance of breastfeeding

Timbra @ Bosoms & Babes—http://bosoms-and-babes.blogspot.com/2010/07/importance-of-breastfeeding-carnival.htm">The best non-decision I ever made

Shary @ Mama Fish—http://www.blog.sharylove.com/?p=193">Why Breast Milk is Best

Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—http://wp.me/pDcm9-kQ">I Breastfeed For Me

Lauren @ Hobo Mama—http://www.hobomama.com/2010/07/why-breastfeeding-is-important.html">Why breastfeeding is important

Kate @ KateIsFun—http://kateisfun.blogspot.com/2010/07/importance-of-breastfeeding.html">The Importance of Breastfeeding

Kaitlin Rose @ Bring Birth Home—http://bringbirthhome.com/breastfeeding/breastfeeding-came-naturally/">Breastfeeding Came Naturally

Brooke @ Milk Maid Mamma—http://milkmaidmomma.blogspot.com/2010/07/why-i-chose-to-breastfeed.html">Why I Chose to Breastfeed

Lexi @ Life as a Mommy—http://dennyandlexi.blogspot.com/2010/07/special-bonds.html">Special Bonds

Whitney @ According to Waddlebug:The (Un)Balancing act of Motherhood—http://theunbalancingactofmotherhood.blogspot.com/2010/07/importance-of-breastfeeding.html">Importance of Breastfeeding

Natasha @ naturalurbanmama—http://www.naturalurbanmama.com/2010/07/importance-of-breastfeeding-x-men-and.html">Importance of Breastfeeding:X-men and Faberge Shampoo

Shelly @ Lousy Mom—http://lousymom.com/content/wheat-allergies-and-working">Wheat allergies and working

And of course the guest poster on the Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is Jen Karsbaek—http://wp.me/pwUtv-j9">Breastfeeding Helps Me Love My Son

Post-Milk Sleepiness

2010-07-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

This was taken when Addison was about 14 months old (I'm guessing...we lived in that house when she was between 12 months & 15 months).

Pure Happiness!

Pumping Sucks

2010-07-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

Welcome to The Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival!

This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe's Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com.

For more info on the Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today's post is about breastfeeding and employment. Please read the other blogs in today's carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!

I had a very demanding job when my daughter was born. I was the nursing manager of a very busy unit in a large hospital. I had over 100 employees that reported directly to me. I was acquiring more responsibility when I went back to work. The deck was stacked against me. When I returned to work, I had only been breastfeeding comfortably and easily for 6 weeks.

Within the first few weeks of returning to work, I attended a breastfeeding symposium. I learned, in Oklahoma, a very small percentage of women still breastfed at 1 year of life. My heart was broken. I really felt I was up against all odds. I was determined though. I was NOT quitting breastfeeding for my job. Fortunately, my boss was incredibly supportive. No questions asked, I pumped when I needed to. Actually, I think it made her a little uncomfortable, so she let me do it when I needed! It doesn't matter, I got to pump.

Also, very luckily for me, I had a private office. I was able to close the door and pump. I also worked with a great group of lactation consultants, so they totally supported me. I quickly learned, although the statistics and my job (sort of) were against me, I had a lot on my side. So, I pumped. I pumped and pumped and pumped. When I returned to work I pumped 3 times a day (and that was in only 8-10 hours). It decreased to 2, then finally to once per day. I actually started enjoying my pumping time (although I never enjoyed hooking myself up to pump). It was nice to close my door and have some peace. It was lovely. Quiet...except that stupid sound pumps make!

Now, actually breastfeeding after returning to work was a different story. I was so exhausted from working so much, I could hardly stay awake when my daughter wanted to nurse at night. We, out sheer exhaustion, began to co-sleep. It saved my sanity. My daughter began to cluster nurse at night. She would take a bottle during the day, but much preferred momma to that bottle!

I was also finishing graduate school during my daughter's first year. I remember sitting in our living room with her nursing and me reading article after article. What fun that was! Breastfeeding while working is completely possible. If you're returning to work, pumping provides you some quiet time. Some time to think about your baby. Some time to get away. Think about that while you're pumping, don't think about that silly pump!

Here are more post by the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added throughout the day.
Emily @ Baby Dickey—http://babydickey.com/2010/07/20/im-a-working-breastfeeding-mama">I’m a working and breastfeeding mama
Sylko @ Chaotic Mama—http://chaoticmama.wordpress.com/2010/07/20/breastfeeding-carnival-wohm-breastfeeding/">Breastfeeding Carnival: WOHM Breastfeeding
Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—http://wp.me/pDcm9-k5">Breastfeeding Student
Veronica @ Crunchy VT Mommy—http://www.crunchyvtmommy.com/2010/07/business-boobies-breastfeeding-todays.html">Business Boobies: Breastfeeding & Today’s Workplace
Whitney @ According to Waddlebug: The (Un)Balancing Act of Motherhood—http://theunbalancingactofmotherhood.blogspot.com/b/post-preview?token=hPqB7ykBAAA.rpL5vTOCm959XOeIBIstfw.6RM2FvDk2_YxziTSXshxHg&postId=4170124354150495212&type=POST">My Perfect Job
BoobiesNBabies @ Num In Mind—http://numinmind.blogspot.com/2010/07/I-Remember-Baby-Friendly-Workplace.html ">I Remember a Baby Friendly Workplace
Claire @ Geeky Gaming Mama—http://geekygamingmama.blogspot.com/2010/07/breastfeeding-and-employment-my.html ">Breastfeeding and Employment
Natasha @ Natural Urban Mamas—http://www.naturalurbanmama.com/2010/07/breastfeeding-at-work-in-canada-is-this.html ">Breastfeeding at Work-In Canada is this an issue?
Brooke @ Milk Maid Mamma—http://milkmaidmomma.blogspot.com/2010/07/pumping-sucks.html ">Pumping Sucks
And of course the guest poster on the Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is Christy Porucznik—http://wp.me/pwUtv-hB">Maintaining Breastfeeding While Separated from One’s Baby—Often Known in the USA as Gainful Employment

Nursing in Public

2010-07-19T07:15:00.000-07:00

Welcome to The Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival!

This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe's Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on The Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today's post is about Nursing in Public. Please read the other blogs in today's carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!

I will never forget the first time I nursed in public. It followed the last time I tried nursing in my car in July...with a 6 week old baby. We were in the tiny town of Eufaula, Oklahoma. We were there for the weekend. My mom and I had taken my daughter to a cute little cafe in town for lunch (for us, not her!). This little cafe (sadly, now closed) was also the town flower shop. About half-way through our lunch, like any good little baby would, mine decided she was hungry. I tried nursing her there, but it was awkward. I have large breasts and was just figuring out what to do (yep, it took me about SIX weeks to figure it out!). So, I headed to my BLACK car in July in Oklahoma. On a side note, I'm not sure if you know anything about summers in Oklahoma...but, it's HOT! In fact, yesterday Oklahoma City was the 3rd hottest city in the country, right behind Las Vegas and Phoenix. Now, they're in the desert, so they don't have all the lovely humidity (and mosquitoes) we do. So, it's HOT here! Back to the story....

I'm headed out to my car with babe in tow. I attempt to get all cozy in the backseat. Of course, the black leather interior does not help the fact I'm already drenched in sweat. About this time, this cute little woman comes running out of the store. She was one of the waitresses. She told me the owner of the store (a man, no less) saw me going outside with my baby. He knew I was taking her outside to feed her and he thought that was not right. (And, I sit here sobbing, thinking of how his grace and kindness changed my life...and my daughter's...literally.) She told me he insisted I come inside. He would find a private...albeit strange...place to nurse my daughter.

And he did. He brought me a chair to the flower shop part of the store. Strangely enough, the man loved birds. I don't. I sat their among flower, birds, and one lady making arrangements and nursed my baby. What happened that day changed my world. I am forever grateful to him. His beautiful act of kindness made this momma proud.

And so, at dinner that night (on a dock) I nursed my daughter. Now, I was not about to walk all the way back to the car (and down the pier) to feed my child. Other people were eating there. My dad (who was seated across from me) said many women were looking at our table...some in support, some condescending. I don't really care about the naysayers. A kid's gotta eat. But, I was saddened. I had entered the dinner so proud and confident of myself. I thought everyone should be supportive of nursing in public. And, I did use a cover-up...because I exposed no less than half of my upper body when I nursed! Women giving my family dirty looks, like I was some kind of heathen. It was amazing the difference in two meals in one small town.

I learned a lot that day. Unfortunately, I learned people can be mean. People can be unsupportive of women feeding their children the best food possible in public. I learned, more importantly, people care. For every one person that gives a dirty look, there are dozens more that don't give a hoot what you're doing. And, there more supporters than not. People do care. The tide is turning. Nursing in public is accepted.

I have nursed in some crazy places too....the state fair, in a car (she stayed in the car seat!), at Sonic (I took her out of the car seat for those), and many many more! So, go in peace, nurse in peace, nurse where you feel comfortable!

Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added throughout the day.
Emily @ Baby Dickey—http://babydickey.com/2010/07/19/baby-eats-when-baby-wants-nursing-in-public">baby eats when baby wants: nursing in public
BoobiesNBabies @ Num In Mind—http://numinmind.blogspot.com/2010/07/nip-lil-giant-how-we-do-it.html">NIP a Lil Giant, How We Do It
Sylko @ Chaotic Mama—http://chaoticmama.wordpress.com/2010/07/19/breastfeeding-carnival-nursing-in-public/">Breastfeeding Carnival: Nursing in Public
Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—http://wp.me/pDcm9-jQ">My Biggest Advocate
Timbra @ Bosoms and Babes—http://bosoms-and-babes.blogspot.com/2010/07/public-nursence-carnival-day-2.html">Making it easy for everyone to nurse
Kaitlin @ Bringing Birth Home—http://bringbirthhome.com/breastfeeding/breastfeeding-uncovered-a-peaceful-protest/">Breastfeeding Uncovered - A Peaceful Protest
Claire @ Geeky Gaming Mama—http://geekygamingmama.blogspot.com/2010/07/nursing-in-public-what-makes-it-easier.html">Nursing in Public: What Makes it Easier
Brooke @ Milk Maid Mama—http://milkmaidmomma.blogspot.com/2010/07/nursing-in-public.html">Nursing in Public
Kathy @ Musings From an Arid Neverland—http://www.kathygrossman.com/writing/2010/07/do-i-need-fancy-nursing-clothes-to-nurse-in-public/">Do I need fancy clothes to nurse in public?
Shary @ Mama Fish—http://www.blog.sharylove.com/?p=176">NIP: Nursing in Public
Kimberly @ Monkey Tales Mama Thoughts—http://monkeytalesmamathoughts.blogspot.com/2010/07/nips-not-those-well-kind-of-those.html">Nips: Not those, well kind of those
Shelly @ Lousy Mom—http://lousymom.com/content/breastfeeding-public">Breastfeeding Public
Sarah @ Most Revealing—http://mostrevealing.com/?p=71">Nip
Renee @ Just the 5 of us!—http://yeoman5.blogspot.com/2010/07/no-reservations.html">No Reservations
Natasha @ Natural Urban Mamas—http://naturalurbanmamas.blogspot.com/2010/07/nursing-in-public-not-big-deal.html">Nursing in Public-Not a Big Deal
StorkStories @ Stork Stories... Birth & Breastfeeding—http://obnurse35yrs.wordpress.com/2010/07/19/little-old-men-nursing-in-public-back-by-public-demand/">Little Old Men… & Nursing in Public (Back by “PUBLIC” Demand)
And of course the guest poster on the Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is Heather Hendriksen—http://breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com/2010/07/19/tips-for-nursing-in-public/">Tips for Nursing in Public

Sometimes

2010-06-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish....
I didn't care.
I didn't make my own salad dressing.
I'd used formula.
I didn't care about cloth diapers with baby #2.
I didn't care about VBAC.
I loved strollers for newborns.
I didn't know about aspartame, sucralose, or high-fructose corn syrup.
I didn't know about Red-40.
I didn't love to go to the health food store.
I didn't know about hormones in milk.
I didn't care about those hormones.
I didn't know or care about antibiotics in our foods.
I didn't know about BPA.
I didn't care about all the plastic I try not to throw about.
I didn't care about organic.
McDonald's was healthy.
Ice cream made you skinny.
Processed foods were good for you.
The more ingredients, the better.
Eating meat was really good for you.
It was okay to take a lot of medicine.
I didn't recycle.
I didn't compost.
I didn't want to plant my own garden.
I didn't believe in attachment parenting.
Dr. Sears, Dr. Mercola, Dr. Greene, Elizabeth Pantley, & Dr. McKenna weren't smart...or right.
I just didn't care.

But, then I pull my head out of my ass & realize I made a conscience decision to do or not do those things. I made, and am making, everyday, a conscience decision to make my life better. And more importantly, my family's life. And those who come after us.

So, I'll stick to my baby-wearing, VBAC-believing, organic-eating, junk-food-avoiding, recycling, breastfeeding self.

Suck it up. One person can make a difference. They can. And they do.

3 years of co-sleeping & breastfeeding....good-bye?

2010-05-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

As I deal with the emotions of having a 3 year old, we are in, yet another, transition period in our life. Maybe tomorrow I'll post about how I'm feeling about how my life changed 3 years ago...but, today, I'm going to share with out our new adventure!

For quite a while now, Miss A has been telling me she's going to quit having milk on May "thirtya". As we approached the date, we kept asking if she knew what was coming. I kept asking, are you sure? When are you going to quit having milk? Her response was always, May thirtya. Always. And, guess what tomorrow is? May 30.

I've been dealing with my daughter saying she's going to stop having momma's milk on her birthday. And, now that I'm in school and working night shift, I am SOOOO tired all the time. She likes to have milk for nearly an hour before she drifts off.

In sense, I was getting desperate. I needed help. My husband agreed to help me. The past two nights he's taken Miss A to her bed. Just like that. There were 5 seconds of tears last night, none the night before. She just fell asleep. Now, she did wake up both nights.

But, Miss A fell asleep in her bed without milk the past two nights! Wow! And, tonight, she's spending the night with her grandparents, so no milk tonight either!

While I am very excited about this transition, it saddens me too. We starting our nursing relationship when she was less than an hour old. I've had bleeding, cracked nipples; delayed milk production; decreased milk production; engorgement; leaking milk; plugged ducts; and mastitis. Yep, I'm pretty sure I experienced every breastfeeding issue there could be. Oh, did I say biting? Because she bit! Every new tooth caused Miss A to bite me.

I pumped for over 15 months. When I went back to work, as a nursing manager of a mother/baby unit, I couldn't listen to the babies cry or I'd have to go pump. Pump, pump, pump.

While I don't think she's totally done, I think we're headed that way. I'm ready. I'm more than ready. I think Miss A could totally do fine without milk.

Just like every parenting transition, it may or may not be smooth. Only time will tell!

Breathing Experiment

2010-05-12T07:03:00.000-07:00

So last night when I couldn't sleep I was trying to do ANYTHING to fall asleep. I started paying attention to DD's breathing. We co-sleep and she happened to be face-to-face with me. I love it. I love being that close to her and her not wanting milk! So, I was trying some deep breathing to try to relax. It didn't work, but I learned some cool stuff.

You know, "they" say babies who co-sleep follow the same breathing patterns as their moms. Well, it's true for toddlers too! When I took a deep breath, so did DD. Her breathing became very rhythmic and deep. Thinking that she may just be relaxing, since she does have a tendency to fall asleep better (she was asleep at the time, but in general) if I'm relaxed, I sped up my breathing, almost panting. Guess what? She did too. She altered her breathing as I intentionally changed mine.

How cool is that?

I love co-sleeping. And, lots of people say it's safe (if it's done right). Dr. James McKenna and Dr. Sears are, I believe, leading experts in the field. Dr. McKenna has actually done research on co-sleeping in a real sleep lab. Not sure why the ENTIRE world doesn't know that. They should. And Dr. Sears is such an awesome pediatrician (seriously, when DD was a baby, I wanted to move just so we could use him as a pediatrician!).

Co-sleeping can be unsafe. But, overall, it's been done for years. And, I'm pretty sure more deaths occur in cribs than in parent's beds (especially when you've taken safety into account).

I never intended to co-sleep, it was just easier. That's how we got to where we are. I have read Dr. McKenna's and Dr. Sears' information. I made an informed, educated (half-desperate for sleep, but still 100% educated) decision about co-sleeping. You should too. And, if you do co-sleep, you'll learn really great things about your child. It's amazing watch them sleep!

What have I done to myself?

2010-05-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

About 2 and a half weeks ago my brother ran in the Oklahoma City Memorial marathon. He did the half marathon for at least the 3rd year in row. He's always been smarter and more athletic than I could ever dream of. He doesn't rub it in your face though (well, unless he's playing golf). I really thought I could get on the running band wagon. He was very supportive. With his encouragement I started the Couch-2-5k program 2 weeks ago Monday.

The idea is you can get in shape and train for a 5k running 3 days a week. Anyone can do 3 days a week. I work part-time, go to school full-time, have an almost 3 year old, and have a husband who is busy with work right now. But, I can do three whopping days a week. Right? Right!

The first Monday, I got out there and I could barely run 20 seconds without my shins killing me. I've always had shin splints when I run. I kept up with the program, doing what I could do. On Wednesday, I could actually run a full minute without stopping. (Okay, stop laughing.) By Friday, my shins still hurt quite a bit, but they were tolerable. AND, I could run for a full minute multiple times! I thought I could do this! I didn't run over the weekend (you have 2 days off). The next Monday, when it was time to run again, I really felt good. My shins hurt less. I felt like I could actually take strides and not just walk in a bouncy style. This was going to be good. I was going to run a 5k.

Then came Tuesday (a week ago). Tuesday. Oh Tuesday. How I loathe what you did to me. I did some yoga...bound & determined to be active most days of the week. It felt great. I noticed I could do more before I sank to child's pose. But, I had a nagging, aching feeling in my knees. I thought it would go away. Just a little ache. I was sure I was sore from Monday since I did really push myself.

Then came Wednesday. Running day. I laced up and hit the road. And. Oh. My. Goodness. Pain, pain, pain. My knees could not take it. Knee pain was new to me. I'm pretty overweight and have felt my fair share of pain, but never have I felt knee pain. Holy smokes. But, like a trooper, I walked for 20 minutes.

Thursday was a rest day, so I knew it would get better. Can I just say knee pain sucks? Because lo and behold it was still with me on Thursday. And Friday. Then, I had to work Friday night (no, I'm not a hooker, I'm a nurse!). And Saturday night. And Sunday night. Twelve hour shifts on hurting knees. All I can say is I was THRILLED for the furlough Monday night. I was not thrilled I ended up going to my parent's cellar Monday night, but at least I didn't have to walk halls all night long!

Now, it's technically Wednesday morning. I can't sleep. My knees freaking hurt. I feel old. I feel fat. I feel crippled. My dimpling, jiggly thighs will never be the same with this much pain. Of course it feels as if I'm going to live with this forever. It felt that way when I hurt my back last summer and now it's about 95% better (really only 95% when my lovely chiropractor works on it!).

Okay, so now I'm just griping because I really want to sleep. And run. And do yoga. And not feel old and fat.

Here's to hoping for healthy knees!

Birth Dreams

2010-04-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the most vivid birth dream ever. Ever. It was not the perfect birth, but the prettiest (okay, one of the prettiest) little girls was birthed out of my vagina! It so amazing. I think I woke up feeling all giddy...then I realized I've never pushed a baby out of my vagina.

In my dream, my midwife was gone or out of town or something (but it was the midwife I see now) and one of her partners was going to be with me for the birth. But, her partner had a midwifery student (which I'd be totally okay with). I remember getting to the hospital and I wasn't in a lot of pain. I felt like I needed to have a bowel movement and was a little uncomfortable. I remember wanting to walk a lot before I went to the hospital. I walked every where (this was even in my dream). So, when I got there, I told my husband and mom I was just going to go to the bathroom in the lobby. I knew I didn't want to get to the room, because they'd want to check. I even said something about if I push and a baby starts to come out, then we can go to the room.

Next thing I remember is laying on my left side and feeling a slight amount of pressure. I remember feeling the left side of my scar hurt ever so slightly, but I was not worried about rupture. Then, the midwife student draped me (ugh, I hated this part)...and yes, I was still in bed (not so fond of this part either). I pushed a couple of times (no counting or yelling) and out came a beautiful little girl with the curliest hair. I just kept saying "Oh my God, Oh my God." I even remembered thinking about women saying they couldn't believe they did it, but I don't think I said it.

Isn't that wild? I remember remembering in my dream. I remember what I said and what color things were. I remember before and after the dream. I could dream that dream a thousand times and I'd never get bored!

Obesity and Breastfeeding

2010-04-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

Over on Facebook, Kellymom.com just posted two articles about obesity and breastfeeding. Nothing, I tell you, nothing, gets my blood boiling faster than setting someone up for failure with breastfeeding.

Here are the articles:

http://www.fasebj.org/cgi/content/meeting_abstract/24/1_MeetingAbstracts/91.6

http://www.fasebj.org/cgi/content/meeting_abstract/24/1_MeetingAbstracts/91.5

Basically, one study looked at support and providing pumps. The other looked at education/counseling. (I'm seriously paraphrasing here, so please go read the abstracts!). Now, I am really glad "they" did the research. I'm glad they care (and I hope they care) about breastfeeding in obesity.

But why not breastfeeding in everyone? I contest that it does not matter the size of your thighs in regards to breastfeeding success. Breast size plays a big role in breastfeeding difficulties. As a mom who has breastfed for almost 3 years (holy smokes!) and who is very overweight, I think I have some experiences to draw from.

Boobs are boobs. I don't care if you're 100 pounds or 300 pounds. Support (literally and figuratively) is all that matters. I had an amazing support group when I chose and dedicated myself to breastfeeding. My husband and family were supportive. I had an amazing group of lactation consultants working with me. And, I had determination. I knew I wanted to breastfeed my child.

There is no pump or study that will ever make me think anything works as well as good old fashion support and counseling!

Soap-Making

2010-04-15T11:22:00.000-07:00

Last night in Financial Peace University -- our last night I might add -- our teach said he was all about being frugal, but he would not make his own soap. I had to say something! I talked about soap making as a frugal thing to do on the first night of our class, but I just had to say something again!

I chimed in that I made my own soap. We have not bought laundry soap since October (in 7 months!) and I really can't remember the last time I bought hand soap (probably a year ago when it was on clearance).

I thought I'd share with you all how easy (and freakin' cheap!) soap making is! Really, it is!

I got my recipe for laundry soap from Tip Nut, but I've also used the Duggar's recipe. I prefer the Tip Nuts recipe so here it is:

2 cups grated soap (I've used Fels Naptha & just made some with Zote)
1 cup arm & hammer washing soda
1 cup borax

When you grate the Zote it makes 4 cups, so I just adjust the borax & washing soda.

As a side note, I think the powder is easy, I've never made liquid. If you're a die-hard liquid detergent, try it. It involves boiling water & doing all sorts of things I don't have time or the desire to do!

Grate the soap. I've found the easiest thing to do is use my cheese grater. Once it's all grated (be careful, I've sliced open knuckles before) mix it in a blender with the washing soda and borax. I usually have to do this in steps -- it's just too much for one blender!

Once it's a nice powdered consistency, it's done. You can put it in a baggie or an old oxy-clean tub or whatever floats your boat. It's that easy. It takes about 10 minutes.

Also, you can add essential oils -- whatever you like. I've added different citrusy smells and lavender to my soap. I tried Zote today (haven't washed with it yet), but it smells like citranella, so I didn't add anything. Plus, ZOTE IS PINK! How cool is that?

I swear by this soap. It's cheap, easy, and good for the environment. Here's my math:

55 oz of Arm & Hammer Washing Soda = 9.15 -- 1.33/cup (I used amazon prices)
76 oz of 20 Mule Team Borax = 6.49 -- 68 cents/cup
Zote = 80 cents/bar (got it on sale at Big Lots)

2 cups of Washing Soda = 2.66
2 cups of Borax = 1.36
1 bar of soap = .80
Total = 4.82/8 cups of detergent

Using 2 Tablespoons/load (2 for a full load, 1 for half, etc.); assuming there are still 16 Tablespoons/cup...in 8 cups of detergent, there are 128 Tablespoons.

Calculating on always using 2 Tablespoons (which I don't) -
So, 64 "servings" in my detergent --> 4.82/64 = 7.5 CENTS/load!!!!!!!!!

Powdered Tide at Amazon is $54.90 for 240 loads -- that's 22 cents/load.

HAND SOAP
I don't remember where I got the recipe for liquid soap, so I can't really give credit where credit is due. Sorry!

I bough some hand soap pumps from a co-op I'm in. (Lucky me!) They were about $1.60/pump; but I'm pretty sure you can get them just about anywhere that has soap products.

I've only used Dr. Bronner's Castile Soap. They have it at Target, that's where I got it. I love almond, so that's what I have. It's $13.69/32 ounces. You dilute it in your pump -- it can be anywhere from 1:1 to 1:5 with water. I usually do about 1:1 to 1:2. If you use the 1:1 calculations it's 13.69 for 64 ounces of soap (21 cents/ounce). If you dilute it more, it's way cheaper! That fancy soap at the mall is (on sale) $4/8 ounces (50 cents/ounce).

Plus, the homemade hand soap is castile soap and water. That's it. Nothing bad.

You really should check it out! Look at how much I'm saving! And, with a toddler who always needs clean hands and clothes, it's a bargain!

Choosing a Provider

2010-04-06T13:18:00.000-07:00

I believe choosing a provider is the single most important external factor regarding birth. Sure, there are lots of things a mom can do to have an excellent birth...she can exercise, watch what she eats, read great books, etc. Here are some stories that have led me to believe this:

- A friend LOVES her doctor. He did a c-section for "failure to progress" at 9cm. He will not VBAC. So, she won't get her VBAC. He also delivers at a hospital notoriously known for their incredibly high c-section rate. Hmmm...she had a c-section and most likely will have another.

- Another friend had a supportive midwife, but the midwife was a part of a group practice. In the end, there was an incredibly unsupportive physician backing up the midwife the day she went in to labor. Unfortunately, she didn't get the outcome she wanted.

- An ICAN mom/doula had a great midwife with a great supporting physician. She had complications during her pregnancy and had to have a repeat c-section. While she didn't VBAC (she actually was already a VBA2C mom), she had a respectful c-section.

And, my favorite provider story of all..."MY" doctor. She's no longer practicing in my state, but I would go to great lengths to let her care for me again!

The story of my provider goes way back. I was a nurse at the hospital where she practiced. I loved her immediately. I saw her for the first year or two I worked there. Then, I realized she was very slow to do c-sections. I had the typical, everything-is-high-risk attitude some nurses have. I switched providers because...get this...I thought she wouldn't do a c-section if I needed one. The absolute irony of this is wild!

I went to the other doctor once. Sure, I liked her, but throughout that next year, I realized I didn't want a doctor who would jump at the chance to cut me. I went back to the first doctor.

She was a VBAC mom herself. I started to see how she treated her patients. Most memorably was a VBAC labor and birth with her. She was so gentle and so supportive.

When I got pregnant, I never really thought of c-section. My mom had 2 easy vaginal births. Nearly every woman on her side of the family had easy vaginal births. In fact, from my grandmother to my cousins, women in family (blood relatives) have given birth 26 times. Of those 26 births, there have only been 4 c-sections. The c-section rate of my family is 15%, what the WHO recommends. Interestingly enough, there were no c-sections with any of my mom's sister. The four c-sections reside amongst 3 cousins (mine, 2 from one cousin, and one from another). Back to the point...

My doctor spend the night at the hospital, even though she only lived a few blocks away. After pushing for 2.5 hours, I believed and trusted my doctor when she said she didn't think anything was going to happen. When I decided it was time, she patted my leg and said, "Don't worry, you'll VBAC next time." Before surgery!

When she came to see me after surgery, she told me she used two layers of suture so I could VBAC.

I know I would have been so much worse off if I had a different provider. Dr. S knew how much a vaginal birth meant to me. She is so amazing and wonderful!

So, please pick a provider you know with all of your heart will provide the best care possible for you!

Also, get a doula, read good books, and enjoy your pregnancy!

VBAC

2010-03-08T20:10:00.000-08:00

Everyone seems to be blogging about VBAC lately, so I thought I'd jump on the band wagon. But, why? Why blog about it when so many others (great ones no less!) have done so before? Because VBAC is important. Last year ICAN called nearly every hospital in the United States. There was approximately at 40% VBAC ban. Today, that number is up to 48%.

That number is absolutely ridiculous. Almost half of the hospitals in the United States don't allow women to VBAC. Just so you know, the most common problem during a VBAC, in my opinion, is having another cesarean. But, that rate is just about the same as if a it was a first baby (about a 70% c-section rate in both first-time moms and in women attempting VBAC).

The most common problem is not uterine rupture. if a woman has had only one c-section, her risk of UR is only about 0.5%. The rate of adverse outcomes after a uterine rupture is lower. VBAC is safe. VBAC should not be considered an alternative to repeat c-section. Repeat c-sections should be considered an alternative to VBAC.

VBAC should be the norm. Check out ICAN if you don't believe me! www.ican-online.org

Extended Breastfeeding

2010-03-05T21:04:00.000-08:00

In my last post, I briefly mentioned my breastfeeding history. So, I thought I'd tell my entire breastfeeding story here!

Of course, you can't have breastfeeding without birth and that's really where my story starts. I didn't exactly have the birth I'd dreamed of. In fact, nothing that happened was what I had envisioned. I felt so out of control in my daughter's birth. I will rarely call it "my birth", because I really feel like I did not give birth. It is my daughter's birthday. She was birthed on that day, but I did not give birth. It happened to me.

Because of that extreme feeling of disappointment and failure, I vowed to not give up. Okay, I didn't make that vow right away. I really thought breastfeeding was going to be just like birth -- easy. I thought it was going to be natural. When I left the hospital I really wasn't sure I would continue breastfeeding. I was struggling with milk supply and sore nipples. For the next few days, I pumped, breastfed, and bottle-fed (combo of formula and expressed milk). I suffered from extremely low milk supply. I had nearly every single risk factor for decreased and delayed milk supply. Here's what I had:

- low hemoglobin (I did eventaully get 4 units of blood. I think my hemoglobin was 4 or something. It was low. It sucked! It really affected my milk supply.)

- I was induced (none of MY hormones to stimulate labor, none to stimulate milk!)

- I was on Magnesium Sulfate -- it just slowed everything down

- epidural -- they most definitely affect milk supply and breastfeeding, even in seemingly normal births

- c-section -- there are NUMEROUS reasons why c-sections affect breastfeeding -- delayed contact, blood loss, hormones, etc (most are above)

So, from the second my daughter was born, the deck was stacked against our breastfeeding relationship.

There are a few things that actually helped us. Here they are:

- Immediate skin-to-skin contact -- well, immediate for a c-section. Within one hour of my daughter's birth, she was on my bare chest. Granted, I was bleeding a great deal at this time, but our most awesome nurse put our baby on my chest and let her go to town! Thank you!

- My doctor, Dr. S. She is AMAZING! I basically asked for her to tell me it was okay to quit breastfeeding. She wouldn't. She told me to keep going. That's when I realized I had to keep going! She helped with a Reglan prescription. She was the one who introduced me to my favorite herb of all time: FENUGREEK.

Somewhere amidst all the trouble, I decided my birth sucked, so my breastfeeding relationship would not. For TWO months, I struggled. We used formula and breastfed. I remember the last formula bottle my daughter ever got -- it was 4th of July weekend 2007. She was 2 months old. I sat crying with my husband as I bottle fed her at my parent's lake house. I knew I just needed to relax. I knew something had to change. From that day forward, I made her food. I let my body do the work -- still trying to regain my confidence in my body.

Now, 2 years 10 months later, I'm still making my daughter's milk! I never, in a million years, imagined I would breastfeed for almost 3 years. I'm so proud of what I've done. I'm so amazed that body DOES work! I'm so astonished I can nourish, fully and completely, a human being.

Would I do it again? I would be lying if I said I never fantasized about my husband being able to help more. I thought about how wonderful it would be if I could just sleep through a feeding. I have thought about how awesome it would be for my husband to be able to put my child to sleep. But, there is nothing like knowing I have done what I have done for my child. It has been an incredible experience. We have a bond like no other. For that, I will always be grateful!

Radical Parenting

2010-03-04T15:10:00.000-08:00

Last night the Discovery Health Channel aired a show called Radical Parenting. I knew about the show because I follow the Feminist Breeder (here's her blog http://thefeministbreeder.com/) on Twitter.

So, I thought I'd just throw in my two cents about "radical parenting." Here are some of the "things" they discussed:

(1) Unschooling -- Don't we all unschool kids prior to putting them in school? If you don't take advantage of opportunities, you're just being lazy. Now, my husband and I have discussed unschooling. I really like more structure that unschooling allows, so it's probably not a good option for us. Well, that and the fact I'll probably be working full-time when our daughter starts school. Sure, though, if unschooling is for you, go for it. Do you really need to go sit in a classroom to be smart? No. I bet unschooled kids know more real-life things than other kids.

(2) No hierarchies -- The kids sleep wherever, eat whatever and whenever, etc. This lifestyle goes very well with unschooling...and everyone else. No discipline, etc. We have some hierarchies, but not in a very traditional sort of way. We listen to our daughter. We learn from her too (probably a lot more than she learns from us).

(3) Elimination Communication -- I do think this is a bit radical. I have heard it can work. And, I guess in a way we started EC with our daughter...but not until 18 months old. And we definitely still used diapers. We just put a potty in the bathroom and made peeing "no big deal." In reality, EC starts at birth. I'm not too convinved a 3 month old looks any different when they're about to pee, but I'm not the expert!

(4) Attachment Parenting -- I'm pretty sure all the parents featured on the show practice attachment parenting. If listening to your kids is radical, so be it. AP is pretty normal to me.

(5) Extended breastfeedinfg -- Three years ago I would have thought anyone who breastfed for 3 years was breastfeeding for way too long. But, that was 3 years ago. I now believe in and have practiced child-led weaning. Yes, I am breastfeeding a child over the age of 2. I think a lot of people do it. I think a lot of people just don't talk about extended breastfeeding.

(6) Baby-wearing -- Not radical. Get over it if you don't like it. It's normal and it's super easy. If you haven't tried it, you're radical, you're weird, and you're different.

(7) Gender neutral parenting -- I first learned about this concept from the best sociology professor ever (Dr. Hope, I think her name was, at OU about 10 years ago!). You basically let your kids lead the way when deciding their favorite colors, toys, etc. Is that such a bad thing? I love the fact boys are being raised this way. I love the fact my daughter might actually have a chance at living in an equal household. Trust me, my husband is way better than my dad, but I think my daughter will have it even better.

Okay, there are the radical parenting concepts with my 2 cents!

Today!

2010-02-26T07:10:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Really! Yesterday was my last day in my high-stress, not-so-appreciated job! Woo hoo for me! Now, in 2 short short weeks, I'll be in Kentucky for Frontier Bound. I can't wait.

Here's just a short recap of my less than 2 hour old day....

7:10 Wake-up...feeling rather refreshed, ready to get the day started (what a way to start!)
7:11 Nurse little back to sleep, realize trash needs to be taken out & I'm need to pee!
7:15 Go to bathroom so my bladder will be happy
7:16 Gather trash...husband says it was a little too energetic
7:20 Take trash out, happily gaze at snow in yard & relish in the fact I won't be driving in it
7:22 Meet little one in entry way
7:35 Husband joins us in living room
7:40 Coffee brewing, waffle in toaster, yogurt parfait made
8:00 Get little one dressed...complete with pig tails
8:15 Said good-bye to husband and little one
8:20 Check Farm Town, catch up on facebook
8:55 Husband invites me to come see him at the house he's building (maybe later)
8:56 Resume computer activities

Wow, how lovely. I'm having a beautiful day! :)

Seriously though, I'm going to really miss some of the people I've worked with. Some people were very challenging. If you're reading this, thinking you might like to be a manager of any sorts one day, please know there are some very very very grumpy people out there! There are people who, I'm convinced, came to work every day just to make my life miserable. You'll see very little reward. You'll feel like you accomplish very little. Managers do everything. And...everything expands every single day. Not that pay is everything, but this must be said. You make less than quite a few people who report to you. When calculated based on hourly rates, you make a lot less than a lot of people who report to you.

But, there are good things. Really. Maybe. I got to see things change for the positive. Our employee engagement increased while I was there. Our patient satisfaction increased A LOT while I was there. People wanted to work in my units. Our turnover was low at the end (very high at the beginning). Anyway, it's time for someone else to move forward! I'm off to new adventures!

Sugar Addict

2010-02-16T20:00:00.000-08:00

It's true. I'm addicted to sugar. I can eat healthy all day long, but put some processed sweets in front of me and I'm a goner. It's ridiculous. I can do without fried food. I'll even limit my intake of pasta and cheese. But sugar? No, can't do it. Today alone, I had 4 chocolate chip cookies & 4 carrot cake balls (granted, it's Fat Tuesday).

I'm contemplating giving up sweets for Lent. I have been very successful at whatever I've given up in the past. It's easier for me to give something for someone else. Can I do it? Can I not have sweets for 40 days?

We'll see. I am willing to sacrifice my addiction to sugar to learn and grow as a person and as a Christian.

Here goes nothing!

22 days

2010-02-03T20:13:00.001-08:00

In 22 days, I will no longer be a full-time employee. In 23 days, I will sleep in. In 23 days, I will release so much stress and anxiety. In a little over six weeks, I'll be in Kentucky. In a little over 2 months I'll be a full-time student and a (very) part-time nurse.

Woo hoo!

New Year, New Me!

2010-01-14T19:43:00.000-08:00

Here are some of my goals for the new year:

(1) Eat/live healthier.
(2) Decrease white foods -- white sugar & white bread, specifically.
(3) Less processed junk.
(4) Eat real food.
(5) Get pregnant!
(6) Blog more
(7) Write more
(8) Read more

Okay, that's about it, but it's big!!!!

And, what's happened so far:

(1) Got accepted to nurse practitioner school (actually happened in 2009).
(2) Resigned from my position at work (just happened today!!). Woo hoo!
(3) I eat really good until about Wednesday...then it's all down hill. Maybe unemployment will be good for me.
(4) Started charting my temps.

Anyway, that's me, 15 days in to the new year.

Brooke

It's Snowing!

2009-12-24T15:00:00.000-08:00

Who said they wanted a white Christmas? Earlier in the week the weather and news folks were saying we were going to have 10-12 inches of snow today. They predicted we would wake up to all that snow. Of course, as a nurse manager who is on call (all the time) on holidays, including this day, I was a little worried. I do have a tendency to worry about everything though.

So, when I woke up at 7:15am (okay, I didn't wake up by myself, my daughter woke me up) and there was NO snow, I called their bluff. I just knew they were exaggerating. That's what meteorologists do. They get all excited about this crazy-ass weather.

At 7:15 it was drizzling slightly. Some sleet. It was above freezing, so it was just pretty slushy. I thought we were good. We had 2 family events planned for today. I have seen my parents and grandma every single Christmas Eve since I was born. I was excited for the day. Our dd was so excited about the day!

About an hour later, it started snowing. Now, 9 hours later....it's STILL snowing!

Well, here's to hoping everyone is safe and sound tonight! Merry Christmas Eve!

So tired...

2009-11-13T20:09:00.001-08:00

I really want to write something today. I really do. I even tried to apply for a position at the Examiner (www.examiner.com). But, and it's a BIG but...I'm so freaking tired! What is up with me?

I didn't even go to work today, had a conference, then came home. But, now, I'm just so tired.

Agh! It's frustrating!

My funny kid

2009-11-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

I know everyone wants to brag on their kid. Really, don't we ALL have the best kid ever? Well, tonight, as challenging as my little child was, she made me laugh!

She is getting so funny! She's just like her daddy. She's very determined, independent, and smart. After a very challenging evening at gymnastics (from her pointing her finger at me telling me "no" to her running around like crazy, not paying attention), we came home a a great dinner of spaghetti. It was yummy! Well, she had spaghetti all over the place. Greg came in to the kitchen to discuss whether we really need to give her a bath. She knows what a bath is & she LOVES her baths. He asked, "Do you think we need to give an ath-bay tonight?"

Yep, we speak pig latin. We're not that fast of spellers yet! She said "I want an ath-bay." I wondered if she really knew what an ath-bay was. So, I asked her. The little stinker says, "Yes, an ath-bay is a bath." She was so matter-of-fact. Wow.

I am paying for my husband's raising! Thanks Greg!

Savings!

2009-11-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

Just a quick quick post to say I saved over $30 at Target today! I used coupons for nearly everything I bought! So proud of myself for saving money for my family.

On a side note...I hope to have something very exciting happening in my life very soon. And no, it's not a pregnancy. :) Wish it was!

Going Green. And being frugal.

2009-10-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

I'm on a mission. First and foremost (but not at the expense of my or my family's health), I want to save money. I want to be frugal. But, like I said, not at the health of myself or my family. And, I want to be green (kinda goes hand in hand with the health thing, right?). Here are some things (just a few), we've done to save money and try to be green.

1. Buy as many of A's clothes at re-sales. Just Between Friends is a new lifesaver! The important thing to remember is that you can still get some clothes cheaper & new than some of those designer kids clothes at a resale shop. My most recent purchase included a pair of pajamas for 50 cents! Isn't that crazy?

2. Use what I have. I know that sounds crazy, but I have been the queen of buying things just because I wanted them. So, I'd have three different kinds of shampoo. Really? That's not necessary. It saves money for me to only buy what I need. I have so many bottles of lotion, it puts Bath & Body Works to shame.

3. Breastfeed. I had to throw this one in here. I heard someone say they spent $100/month in formula. Not sure if that sounds right, but it's a lot of money. Twelve hundred dollars a year. Plus bottle. Plus nipples. And all those fancy bottles. Liners. Nipples that (don't) look like my nipple. Changing nipple hole sizes (on a side note, I never got that, since my nipples didn't really change after my daughter was born).

4. Extended breastfeeding. I can proudly say I never had to purchase a gallon of whole milk. When I was pregnant (before I committed to extended breastfeeding), I used to fret over the thought of buying all those gallons of whole milk. I would never drink whole milk and my husband certainly wouldn't. Well, I never had to do it!

5. My newest....making my own laundry detergent. It's super cheap & there are no harsh chemicals. What else can I say? I love it!

6. Using cold water when washing dishes.

7. No caller ID or call-waiting. Saved us $9/month.

So, what's your best frugal yet green tip? I'd love to hear them!

Is it time?

2009-10-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

Hopefully if you know me in real life, you'll respect me and what I'm about to say.....my job is getting old!

I'm a nurse manager in a large urban tertiary care hospital. I'm the manager of 2 large, high-acuity nursing units. I've been a manager for 3.5 years. For the most part, I love the people I work with. I love thinking that maybe I made the difference in the life of an employee and better, yet, a patient.

Yet, I've never worked more. Never worked harder. Never felt less appreciated. Never felt like I made less of a difference. Never felt like I needed to work more. Never felt like I sacrificed my family so much. Never.

So, I've been thinking. I miss patients. I miss teaching (patients and students). In a way, I miss leaving my work at work. While I was never a nurse who could truly leave work at work, the manager stuff is with me all the time!

Here's the thing....I really believe in the philosophy, mission, and vision of the hospital I work for. They're doing great things. They really try to do what's best for the patient. I couldn't work for another hospital.

What am I to do? Teach? No jobs. Work on the floor? I'm too scared to step down. There is another job I'd like, but it's not open yet. Go back to school? Hmmmm, the eternal student. Yep, that's me.

I'm thinking about it. For real this time.

What to Read...

2009-10-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

I have this horrible habit of starting multiple books at once. Last December I started the Twilight series. I was very disciplined in reading those (if you've read them, you know it really doesn't take much discipline to keep ready). I had the pleasure/task of reading them back-to-back. Now that I've read all of them, I have so many books I want to read. Here are some I'm working on or about to start --

The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Pre-Schoolers -- I'm actually about half-way through this one. A is co-sleeping. She still nurses to sleep. I would love to be able to put her in bed & say night-night. Two reasons for this -- it just sounds luxurious (doesn't it? or is it just me?) and we want baby #2. I realize baby #2 will need me to help him/her sleep. I just want it to be easier for little A to go down (and stay down, I might add). I'd be perfectly happy with a family, but I am married to a wonderful man who is not fond of many children in our bed! I have faith Elizabeth Pantley is going to help us through these times! Next baby, I'll read the No-Cry Sleep Solution for Babies.

Birthing From Within-- This is one of those I started, then started something else. I've heard great things about BFW. An interesting point, Pam England calls all births, even cesareans, births. The women of ICAN have a tendency to disagree. However, I believe (only from Joni Nichols' experiences) that cesareans can be births. My hope is one day they are. Anyway, I digress. I don't want my next to be a cesarean. I'm planning on VBACing with baby #2, and I recognize I need the much of the work that is done in this book.

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth -- Ina May does a phenomenal job of explaining how there are no 2 births that are the same. I've read many of the birth stories in the first half and some of the 2nd half. The second half talks about birth and what is "normal." If you've not heard of Ina May, you really should check out her statistics. She and the other midwives on The Farm, have an INCREDIBLY low intervention rate, including an unbelievably (in current American obstetrics mind, that is) c-section rate. I want to know how...so I'm reading this book when I'm done with The No-Cry Sleep Solution...or after Birthing From Within.

Henci Goer's Thinking Woman's Guide to Birth -- Haven't started this one, but I own it! I've heard great things about it.

Silent Knife -- This book is about c-sections and VBAC. Nancy Wainer Cohen & Lois Estner have written a classic. Again, I started it, a while back, and now I need to finish it!

Pushed -- I must say, I can't believe I have not read my SIGNED copy of Pushed! Jennifer Block is a genious!

There are also some breastfeeding books I'd like to read -- Mothering Your Nursing Toddler is one I own & have started. There is a book about gentle weaning....contemplating reading it!

Well, then there are those fiction books I'd like to read -- The Friday Night Knitting Club, My Sister's Keeper, and the Time Traveler's Wife. Hmmmm, which one first?

I must also say that I get most of my birth books on the ICAN website (www.ican-online.org). Not only do I get a 10% discount for being a member (ask me how), but I'm helping the most excellent cause!

Happy Reading!

Just Posting

2009-09-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

It has been forever since I've written anything. I'm not a good blogger. So, for those of you, if there are any of you, reading this, here's what's new in my world....

A is getting so big! She is nearly potty-trained! It's been the EASIEST phase of her life so far. We just put panties on her & she goes potty! Many times she goes to bathroom and potties all by herself. She can even wash her hands all by herself. I'm so blessed!

We're still nursing. Some days I don't think this phase will ever end. As much as I want her to self-wean, I'm nearing being done. I'm almost ready to call it quits. I know I said I wouldn't call it quits, but 28 months is a long time! I'm pretty damn proud of myself for what I've given my child. I remember so clearly the day when I thought I'd be happy with a couple of weeks. I remember the day I decided quitting was quitting (well, almost the day...more like the time frame). I remember the night we brought A home from the hospital. She was still taking a lot of formula, as my milk had not fully come in yet. We woke up with tiny bottles all over our bedroom. I remember thinking how ridiculous that was. My boobs were supposed to produce milk. We were not supposed to have bottles all over our bedroom. I know people think I'm crazy since I'm still nursing my almost 2 1/2 year old, so call me crazy. It's healthy!

We're still co-sleeping. I love co-sleeping. I love feeling A next to me. I love feeling her soft skin on my arm. I love the way she snuggles in my back. It would be nice if she could sleep in her own bed, but we're working on it!

So, what are we working on? The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Pre-Schoolers. I love Elizabeth Pantley! I've had the book forever, but I'm just now reading it and applying the principles. I'm thinking if I could get A to sleep without the boob, our lives will be different! I hate to say better, because what if she doesn't wean soon. Our lives won't be worse. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I'm along for the ride.

I am here to make sure A grows up to be a strong, smart woman, the woman God wants her to be. That's my job. To raise her right. If I do what is right for me, for her, for Greg, and for our family, I will raise her right.

If that means nursing till 3, I'm doing the right thing.

Home

2009-05-16T20:40:00.000-07:00

Not much to blog about...just wanting to post something.

We've been in our new home for THREE whole weeks! It feels great despite boxes that still need to be unpacked.

It only takes 10 minutes for to get to work...depsite being more than twice the distance as the apartment. It took 10 minutes to go 2 miles. Now it takes 20 minutes to go 7 miles, or something like that.

I actually get home earlier. Because I don't do any backtracking when I pick up Addison.

I don't hear sirens. Buses. People. Or anything really. I love the silence. We did hear an ambulance the other day. Greg ran outside to see what was going on. We really only did that sometimes in the apartment, mostly just to take a look or let Addison see the ambulance. This time, we really wondered what happened. Big different.

Even though my drive is farther, I don't have as many choices for nasty/yummy (i.e. donuts, pastries, & coffee) on the way to work.

Addison loves her new house. She can run around. She even plays all by herself.

We're all much happier and relaxed! Yea!

Happy Cesarean Awareness Month...Happy?

2009-04-06T17:27:00.000-07:00

So, April is Cesarean Awareness Month. Do you say "happy" cesarean awareness month?

There's really nothing happy about my c-section. However, I absolutely want more people to be aware of it. If only doctors were aware of the HORRIBLE side effects of cesareans, they might (just might) be more cautious in making the first cut.

I believe everyone should be aware of cesareans and their impact. If only I would have known their impact before the cut. If only my husband would have known, he could have been prepared and better able to support me. If my mom would have known, she might have been more sympathetic in the early days.

I could go on with the "if onlys" for a long time, but I won't.

The important question is....are you aware?

The BEST resource for cesarean awareness is ICAN. They saved my life. Check them (us) out -- www.ican-online.com.

ICAN is about educating, preventing c-sections, and helping women (and their families) recover from c-sections.

Michelle Duggar Rocks!

2009-03-18T18:52:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post this last week, but never got around to it. Tonight, as I am watching "18 and Counting" I couldn't wait any longer.

Michelle Duggar is an amazing woman! First, I do love watching the Duggars. Ironically, I'm really nothing like the Duggars. I'm not conservative at all. I don't wear skirts. I watch (way too much) TV. And on and on....

But, really, they are an amazing family. I've always admired the fact they are out of debt. For a family of any size, being out of debt is truly incredible. Michelle is always so calm, cool, and collected. I can't imagine. Sometimes I feel so frazzled with 1 child.

A while back, Jim Bob talked about about VBAC. Michelle has had 3 c-sections out of 14 deliveries (2 sets of twins, 1 was c-section). Jim Bob & Michelle both are advocates of VBAC. It's really amazing to have very respectable people who are huge advocates of something some people see as controversial (by the way, VBAC should not be controversial).

Then, last week and again tonight, Michelle is BREASTFEEDING on TV! She just straps on her "my brest friend" and a hooter hider (or something similar) and walks around breastfeeding. I love it!

What an amazing family. I get so irritated when people wonder why they have so many kids. First, it's none of your business. Second, they are out of debt. They can afford all of their children. Third, they, but probably most importantly, they take great care of their children. The children are being raised in an excellent home. They will be contributing members to society. So, if you have a problem with the Duggars -- take a look in the mirror.

Toddler-Hood

2009-03-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

I am so loving having a toddler! This past weekend we went to Sesame Street Live. To see little A sing and dance and smile at all the characters....it was so sweet! She LOVES to dance. The girl moved nearly the entire 1 1/2 hours! I was exhausted when we left.

These days, you can actually have a conversation with her...mostly about boogers and things like that, but it's still a conversation. The first day it happened, I was so in shock! You can ask questions. She answers. It's amazing!

Last week, we did buy a potty for her. We're not pressing anything. We just wanted to have it around. Tonight, when I came home from work, I went to the bathroom. She went with me & wanted to take off her jeans and diaper. She just sat there with me. But, you could tell she thought she was a big girl. Grandma Smith bought her some of the cutest red panties with ruffles on the bottom. We're really trying to make them sound special. They are so stinkin' cute!

Now, we've always let her watch You Tube on our phones. Some may think we're crazy, but we are! So, tonight she went to Jingle Bells on Cullens ABCs. First, let me back-up by saying Cullens ABCs is the absolute best thing on earth. Cullen is this pre-school director. She has posted TONS of videos on You Tube. Nursery rhymes, Christmas songs, stories...it's wonderful. See, when A was little (well, smaller than now), we really didn't know all the words to Itsy Bitsy Spider. Yes, it's true. I googled it and that's how I found Cullen's ABCs. Check it out -- www.cullensabcs.com. Back to the story. She was singing Jingle Bells -- dancing and singing, doing all the motions. It was so funny. So, when it was "night night" time, she could watch one more video. I said "find Jingle Bells". She did. She scrolled right to it (okay, the second time). It was amazing.

I love that little girl more than anything on earth! I think I have laughed every single day since she was born. Despite the tantrums, the crying, the fussiness, she's the best thing ever!

I heart ICAN!

2009-02-19T13:12:00.000-08:00

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1880665,00.html

I found ICAN very shortly after my c-section with little A. I knew something just wasn't right when I came home. I was "one of those" moms who never even dreamed of getting cut open to have a baby. But, after a long induction due to pre-eclampsia, my daughter was delivered my cesarean section. I wanted nothing, as far as labor goes; yet I got it all -- cytotec, AROM (artifical rupture of membranes), magnesium, epidural, pitocin, then the knife. I know this may sound harsh to some people, and it is harsh. After almost 21 months, my abdomen is still numb and tingly. It's not fun. If it were not for ICAN, I would have suffered postpartum depression. I know I would have. I wanted to crawl in a hole and hibernate. When my dd was about 12 hours old I realized I had not really seen her. I unwrapped her. She cried. My dh & I fought. And fought. And fought. It's painful, not only physically, but emotionally, to have a c-section. Who cares that I have an intact perineum. I don't. I have scar in my heart and on my abdomen.

So, when I found ICAN, I was delighted. There were other people like me. There were women...and maybe even some men...who get it. So, when the opportunity to help came up, I did what I could (of course, I wish I could have done more). I'm proud to say I was part of this project. It makes me so happy to know I might have helped someone in doing this.

Everyday women are denied the right to birth their baby the way they want. Women are told how and when to give birth. It's unfair. It's unethical. You can do something. I did. You can be a part of the solution. I am.

Here's the ICAN website. The women here, the support, the resources....they changed my life....

www.ican-online.org

What am I doing?

2009-02-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

I just want to say this -- I hate macs.
I know that apple is "all that" but I just can't work on them! Okay, maybe I'll get used to it...see I'm sitting here on my PC, with my laptop (mac) open, trying to get something done on the laptop. Hence, it's no successful, so I'm blogging on the PC.

What a waste of my time.....

Up and Down

2009-01-31T19:57:00.000-08:00

All day...when I thought A was doing good, she'd crump...cry, cry, cry, whine, whine, whine. Then, she'd perk right up. I suppose this is the road to recovery.

Luckily, she realized Motrin doesn't taste so bad. This morning she even said "tank you" after taking the motrin. Then, I some how tricked her in to taking her lortab tonight. It was the first time she'd had it today. I think she'll feel a lot better in the morning!

Surgery

2009-01-30T18:45:00.001-08:00

Little A had her tonsils and adenoids out yesterday. For most people, this is not a big deal. However, there were a couple of issues that made the decision to have this done extremely difficult for me.

First, even though I am a nurse, I don't totally trust the medical profession. Especially surgeons. Surgeons were educated and trained to operate. If you go to a surgeon for a problem, they fix it with surgery. So, when our doctor (the ENT) recommended a T&A, I had my doubts. I thought he just wanted to do surgery because he is a surgeon. I wouldn't commit right away. I wanted to know the opinion of A's doctor...a family medicine doctor, not a surgeon at all. He said go ahead. See, A has (hopefully had) moderate sleep apnea. While her spells of apnea were not big (although almost 1 an hour), her sleep efficiency sucked. It was 75%, it should have been greater than 90%. Her respiratory disturbance index was 9.5 and it should have been less than 1.

Second, her tonsils weren't big, according to the ENT. When I did decide to schedule the surgery, the nurse said that the notes said they weren't big. This only seemed to confirmed by concerns from above...surgeons operate. I did what any mother would do -- I prayed and prayed. I needed a sign or something. Not that God always gives signs. But He has given me knowledge (being a nurse and assessment skills). Plus, call it being a mom, or maybe God helped my gut feeling, but I had one. Even though all the evidence said "her tonsils aren't big" and my logic said "there could be something else" my gut was screaming "GET THEM OUT!".

A couple of weeks ago, I was napping with A. She usually sleeps in a shirt, but for some reason (hmmm, God?) she was only in a diaper. I got the sign I needed. She started having intercostal retractions. Retractions are when your abdominal and/or chest wall muscles have to work so hard to breathe, you see "dips" between the ribs (intercostal), under the ribs (subcostal), etc. (Okay, so I think all of those are right!). Anyway, retractions are a sign of respiratory distress.

The night before surgery was horrible. Little A had a sore back or something. She fell the night before, so I think it might have been sore. She hardly slept. I hardly slept. I thought this was a sign we should cancel. But, I didn't. And, I couldn't nurse my all-night nurser after 3:45 am. That was hard, but I only had to say no once. She does usually like to nurse right before I get up. It is really hard to say no to a cute little baby saying "milk, milk".

The morning of surgery was smooth. Once we got to the hospital (the one where I work, so she didn't suspect a thing), things went extremely smoothly. The first case cancelled, so we didn't have to wait at all. We were supposed to go at 8:45 and we were now scheduled for 8 am. Everyone from the anesthesiologist (Dr. Y, loved him!) to the ENT (Dr. D) to the nurses and the CRNA rocked.

I got to go to the OR with A. I wasn't planning, but decided I would go back. She went to sleep in my arms. It wasn't scary or anything. Mostly because, I was under the impression A would be on a ventilator (letting a machine breathe for her, which is necessary with enough anesthesia). Dr. Y said that he doesn't to that. He puts a tube in her mouth, but she's breathing...basically he creates an airway for her. Because of this, I totally relaxed.

Dr. D said he'd be done in 20 minutes. Not a second past 20 minutes, he was out talking to us. He said her tonsils were much larger than he originally thought. And, he said her adenoids were taking up 100% of her airway...or something like that. Whew! I know that sound terrible, but what a relief. We didn't do surgery for nothing.

We spent the day & night in the hospital. A was groggy most of the day. About 5pm, she stood up and started jumping in her bed! She was ready to go! The night was fair (better than the sleep study) but not great. However, she has fallen asleep already, but who knows how long that'll last. I'm not holding my breath. :)

I hear it takes about 2 weeks to notice any difference. I do know that A has had difficulty breathing during sleep for her entire life. She snored. She sweated at night. Tossed and turned. Fussed. Never slept through the night (less than 10 times in almost 20 months). I just hope that she heals well and she is able to breathe at night!

I'm glad we did it. But, more than anything, I'm glad to be home. Resting peacefully in our own space...without the germs of the hospital. Ugh! Grossness.

Comments

2009-01-25T19:16:00.000-08:00

No one has every commented on this blog. I'm not even sure anyone is reading it. So, I suppose it's just for me and that's okay. Perhaps someone, someday will stumble across it. It'll never be one of the best blogs out there, but it's still mine and I'm okay with that.

City Noises

2008-12-26T19:36:00.000-08:00

One thing I absolutely hate about living in the city is the noises. Hate it hate it hate it. I'll take crickets chirping in the country any freakin' day. I'll even listen to nasty little frogs croaking all night long. But, seriously, this is crazy. Our neighbor's dog has been barking ALL day long. It must be some little yappy dog. Ugh. Not that we live in a big city or anything, but we live one block from the bus station and about 3 blocks from a hospital. Tonight I have been listening to yappy dog, car alarms going off, sirens, and cars all day long! Crazy!!!!

I'll take a crying baby in the country ANY day!

Changing Directions

2008-11-19T13:03:00.000-08:00

So many times over the past week or so, I've thought...oh I need to start a blog about this or that. So, I'm changing directions. :)

Change is good. Change makes you grow. I like writing, but not always about breastfeeding. I do like talking about. But, sometimes I like talking about other things. Like how my co-workers make me angry. How the "uppers" make decisions that truly effect my job without considering it. How the "uppers" ask if I really need to order ink pens. Seriously. I'd like to talk about my family. My friends. My life...not just my boobs.

I'm sure that's fine with all of you...since I really don't think anyone reads this. But, it makes me feel good to write. So I do it.

Happy Reading about the rest of me!

Banned

2008-10-18T06:57:00.001-07:00

So, I was banned from a breastfeeding group on yahoo. Why you ask? I'm gullible. I joined another "website" that is supposed to keep track of all of your groups. I had a gut feeling it was a hoax and I went against it. A couple of days ago, the group I'm on says not to join this other website, it's a hoax. I feel gullible (not the first time, not the last), but I get over it. Fully thinking, what's in the past is in the past. This must be a warning for the future. Yeah, they won't kick me off. I had no idea.

Then, I get this incredibly rude (if you're reading, yes it was rude and hurtful) e-mail saying I had been banned. Why can a sleep-deprived, over-worked, socially-deprived mom not make a mistake? Seriously people. Get over yourselves. Get a grip. And guess what? If you're that quick to give someone the boot, I don't need you. It sounds like I need some attachment parenting moms to sweep me up and realize that people make mistakes -- even if they're breastfeeding!

Ugh!!!

Breastfeeding! Pumping! On TV! Primetime!

2008-09-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we're not really sitcom type of people, but I was just hanging out last night when the Worst Week came on. I'm not even sure what channel it's on...but it was great! In the first five minutes of the show, they not only talked about pumping -- THEY FREAKIN' SHOWED A MOMMA PUMPING!!!!!

Well, it went south a minute when the pumping character's soon-to-be-brother-in-law walked in on her. He did go on to say he thought "breastfeeding was beautiful." A little bit later, the momma was breastfeeding!!!!! Yes, on the show -- breastfeeding!!! It went way south here since he had a bird in his pocket, which sort of looked like he was getting too excited.

Overall, I was totally not offended. He ended up punching the bird (sorry PETA, breastfeeding humans wins AGAIN!) because the momma and her mom were getting a little freaked out. But, it really was, I think, just supposed to poke fun of those who think breastfeeding is anything sexual.

This guy did go on to try on momma's pump. By the way, it was a Medela PIS Advanced (the best I could tell from the bag & the pump). Again, not really offensive.

I'm so excited there is a show, however corny it may be, that showed pumping & breastfeeding in it.

Apartment Living

2008-09-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

We're moving....to an apartment. I'm a little nervous about having a 16 month old in a 2 bed room apartment! I suppose many people have done it before and many will do it after. The little worm has just gotten so rambunctious lately. She's so full of energy. The apartment is in a downtown area -- that's a concern too. No playgrounds. No running in the streets...okay, we really have never done that before. And, we really don't spend a lot of time outside at home since we have not had a fence and we live on a corner lot. Big Worm will begin building a new house for us soon.

Apartments have an interesting rule. If there are 3 people, you have to get a 2 bedroom. What about co-sleeping babies/kids? I guess they still have their own room. We do need 2 bedroom...all the toys & little worm goes to sleep in her own room. We did look at 1 bedrooms and even studios.

We'll see how it goes!!!!!

Random...mostly breastfeeding...thoughts

2008-09-01T19:05:00.001-07:00

Here a couple of thoughts I've had this weekend....

1. Reconnecting with a nursing toddler is probably a lot easier and quicker than a non-nursing toddler.

We were away from the little worm for 5 days/6 nights this past week. I'm quite sure she did totally fine. I hear rumors that she slept all night. When we arrived home late Friday night, we were to meet my parents at our house. I said, as we were walking up the terminal, "I would love it if my parent's could have brought Addison to meet us." It was late...about 10:45 or so. I figured they were all at our house asleep. I saw a man holding a teddy bear. I made a comment of how cute and sweet that was. Then, my little beautiful child comes running out of the crowd to me. I totally dropped my bags & just picked her up. I started crying, my mom was crying. It was so wonderful. DH later said he just had a weird feeling that they would be there. I did too.

On the way home, little worm kept grabbing my shirt...in her car seat, fast asleep. I think she just wanted to make sure momma still had her nonnies.

2. Speaking of nonnies....
Little one has officially, I think, named my breasts. My cousin's kids called her "momma's ba ba's", so I tried that. Then, LO learned she always got milk before bedtime, or night night. This is were nonnies evolved from. We're also teaching her sign language. I usually skip the "milk" sign...I don't like it...it's the motion of milking a cow...plus, little A usually wants to nurse immediately following. Okay, at least she knows what milk is. But here lately, she'll do the sign for sleep (hands under tilted head...like you're resting your head on clasped hands), pant (she's been doing this for some time now when she wants milk or is about to get it...sort of like one of Pavlov's dogs panting for water I guess), and grab my shirt.

3. No matter what frustrates me about my DH, he usually gets it.

We were watching Jon and Kate tonight. I was doing laundry in between sterilizing pump parts. He was playing some stupid game on myspace. He randomly says, "I wonder how you would breastfeed 6 kids. You'd just rotate them all the time." I was struck with awe that he never thought you'd just formula-feed the kids. The thing is, I really don't think you could nurse all 6 exclusively. You'd have to decide who get to nurse when. Twins, I think it's totally possible...two breasts, two babies. I don't really have any idea how you'd nurse higher order multiples.

4. My baby rocks.

Okay, not a random thought. I just totally love her and could stay home with her all the time. I would really love to do that. We would have so much fun. Maybe one day I'll get to stay home with her, or at least part time.

Hasta La Vista 81 ounces of precious milk

2008-08-31T12:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, well I was in Mexico for the past week....6 days, 5 nights. Since I'm still nursing my DD, I committed to pumping while there. I pump at work, so my Medela PIS Advanced and I are great friends. My hubby was very supportive of me pumping while on vacation. I planned on pumping 4-5 times per day (I was NOT pumping at night, I was looking forward to sleeping "through the night" for 5 nights in a row).

This was my first time away from DD, so I was very anxious anyway! The morning we left, I nursed DD early, then we were off. On the way down (I went with hubby and some of our dear friends), I made it through security with the pump....sir, that is a breastpump. I was so worried someone would think I was smuggling some sort of explosive device into Mexico (paranoid, yes) I think I told everyone at the airport what it was.

While we were waiting for our flight to Mexico, from Dallas, I told my friend (our hubbies were preparing their livers for the upcoming week) I was still nursing. I was nervous people would start to notice my disappearing acts. I'm not hiding the fact that I"m still nursing...my DD is ONLY 15 months old. She said, "More power to you." That was weight off my shoulders. I also wanted her to know why I would be frantically running to our room as soon as we got to the resort. When we finally landed, we had to get through Mexican security. First, I just hoped "breastpump" meant "breastpump" in Mexico. Next, I knew the dogs in the airport could either (a) smell my milk in my breasts or (2) smell my fenugreek in my purse. Of course, they approached. But, it was hubby's bad they smelled...it was the fudge we bought in Dallas! When we got to our hotel, we went to the room to cool off & pump. Oh, I felt better.

I pumped again that night. The second day, I pumped 4 times. Once I realized I was getting 6 to 8 ounces EACH pumping session, I cut back to 3 times per day. It was taking me 30 minutes per session of pumping...that got old quick. I never felt uncomfortable though. I did have to dump milk twice (free drinks, I think twice is good). I had saved 81 ounces of liqud gold to bring home to DD. I told our concierge what I was doing and I needed my ice packs frozen for the flight home. I suggested a restaraunt near our room. She spoke with the manager. It was a deal. I just had to take them there & pick them up the next day.

I thought I made it clear to Roberto what a freezer was. I thought he understood the difference between refrigerator and freezer. When hubby picked up the almost cold packs from the restaraunt the day we were to leave, I freaked. Actually, I think denial set in soon after. Oh, let's pack the milk anyway. Let's just see if barely-cold-enough-ice-packs will make it 12 hours home. Whatever.

I even put the milk in our refrigerator when we got home.

Then, I learned how much milk I had left from the week (that DD didn't drink). I sent about 110 ounces for the week, I was given back 80 ounces. I have plenty of milk in storage.

But....I CAN NOT THROW AWAY MY MILK!!!

I've asked my hubby to trash a bag or two per day. I don't want to see it all gone at once, but I don't think it ever got cold enough to save. The milk was slightly chilly at best. Sucks, hunh?

So, how much do you feed her?

2008-08-01T20:32:00.000-07:00

So, my MIL & FIL are keeping little A tonight so hubby & I could go on a date. When we got out of the movie, Greg was talking to his mom. She asked how much we feed her? Just curious, but do people really think I measure how much comes out of my breasts? Seriously?! So, I said "I feed her until her eyes flutter, switch sides, and feed until her eyes are closed."

That's about all I could think of! Breastfeeding is way too easy! You just stick a baby on & go. Of course, I'm beginning to know what it feels like to breastfeed a toddler. She would much prefer if I laid in the floor with my top off all day long. She acts like I"m a water fountain! :)

My SIL did comment to me once that breastfeeding should stop when the baby can lift up your shirt. Well folks, I"ve hit that point. But...I"m not stopping. It never hurt the world to have a woman who knows what she wants!

Happy Lactating!

What to do....

2008-07-10T18:33:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago, Little A decided she wanted to stay up late. Really late. Well, let me start with how it all began...

I got home and started dinner. Greg got home. She kept saying "bah, bah, bah" (as in bath...so it sounds more like baa, I guess) while standing at the bathroom door. See, she is really a genius. So, he decided to give her a bath. Wo -- did we mess up the routine. Then, we nursed for a bit, because, like any genius child would have thought, nursing comes AFTER bath...not BEFORE we all eat dinner! Then, after a very brief nursing session, we all have dinner.

After this, she finally does settle down. I get her to sleep finally, around 8:45 or so. I take her to her room, where she promptly wakes up AS SOON AS I MOVE HER! Back to nursing, back to sleep, back to the room, awake, back to nursing....and so on and on! It was finally around 10:30 when she finally went to sleep. I go to bed to read at this time. I had just dozed off when my dear Greg came to bed and wanted to chit chat. Dear husbands. Little A wakes up about an hour later, I'm awake, Greg's asleep. The irony.

Last night, we had nearly the same experience. Of course, due to my fatigue & sheer exhaustion, I had spent part of my day researching sleeping in toddlers. I began wondering if we should cry it out (absolutely not is my answer when well-rested!), or perhaps night-wean. We're 13 1/2 months old, it could be time for that. I was so about ready to give up last night. So close. Then, I realized that A kept grabbing her mouth/lip area. I (finally) stuck my finger in her mouth to feel the eruption of tooth #13!!! Holy smokes! Boy did I ever feel like a bad mommy! Duh, it suddenly all added up. She was refusing food and even my milk at day care. She was fussy and irritable. We gave her teething tables (wonderful) and some tylenol, had a banana, and we all went to bed...happily and peacefully.

Tonight, her and Greg had dinner (I had a meeting/dinner for work). I gave her a bath, let her play a bit, gave her tylenol and teething tablets, then nursed her to sleep. She quietly and peacefully went to bed. Of course, it's only been a little while, so only time will tell.

Can I just say what a dunce I felt like? Why didn't I feel in her mouth sooner? She's been teething so fast, I wish I would have known sooner. Anyway, at least I realized what was going on. I'm so glad I didn't let her cry it out -- whatever it is! I just had a feeling she was in pain. That's the problem with cry it out...don't get me started!

Ah, the peaceful bliss of a sleeping baby....

The Big Night Out

2008-06-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

Well, we did it!

Actually, Greg already had, it was my first time. We spent the night away from little A. She stayed with Grandma and G-pa while we went on a date and spent the night in a hotel. It was really fun! I even pumped in our hotel...what fun. So, a little over 24 hours without my little munchkin & I survived! I was so anxious to get back to her this morning though!

And, supposedly she slept "through the night." She has done that approximately 3 times for us (all in a row, last July, all while we were traveling...of course).

As for pumping while away, here's what I did:
Pumped as usual at work (recently went back to twice a day -- to increase for a vacation later in the year) -- my last pumping was towards the end of the day

Pumped before bed -- sort of later than one of our normal feedings, but oh well

Slept without anyone attached to my breasts for 10 hours

Woke up to extremely full, slightly painful rocks on my chest!

Pumped!

So, it wasn't that bad. See, we're planning on a trip to Mexico in a couple of months. I wanted to make sure I could (1) be away from Addison for the night and (2) pump for 24 hours away. I think I could do it with 4-5 pumpings a day. Of course it's not like it's all peaceful and cozy to go 8-10 hours without pumping. It's actually quite painful!

Well, I'm proud of myself, but I sure did miss my little girl!

Fenugreek Fondness

2008-06-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently gave birth to a (large) baby boy. She said she was going to start fenugreek yesterday. It just reminded me of my fondness of fenugreek and of how much fenugreek saved me!

Fenugreek is (this is just off the top of my head, by the way) an herb that is in maple syrup...correct me if I'm wrong. So, it smells very good! I took 3 pills 3 times per day (this is, by the way, not medical advice, it is only my personal experience). After about 48 hours or so, I noticed a difference in my milk supply.

I've had to take fenugreek a couple of times over the course of breastfeeding my baby. The stuff is awesome! I've recommended it to all my friends who are nursing their babies.

So, if you're pregnant or if you had or are having issues with your milk supply, talk to your lactation consultant, midwife, or physician about fenugreek. My wonderful OB (who sadly moved to New Hampshire) was actually the one who suggested fenugreek. You don't need a prescription to get it! Also, it is sold at health food stores and places like GNC.

I love fenugreek!

Breastfeeding a 1 Year Old

2008-06-21T06:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's hard to imagine I've been breastfeeding for 12 and a half months.

When Little Legs (well, her legs ARE short) was born I had extreme difficulties in just about every aspect of breastfeeding. She latched on right away (even after a somewhat traumatic birth) -- thanks only to my awesome labor nurse. I do attribute this early latch, especially for a c-section, the key to my success. My nurse, as I was bleeding a profuse amount (that story later) got little one latched on and she went to town. I couldn't sit up due to complications, so it was imperative that someone else help me. After that initial latch, I just couldn't seem to get Little Legs to eat. We started syringe feeding her about 24 hours after her birth (if I remember correctly). After about 48 hours (still syringe feeding, still trying to latch on every couple of hours), she lost more weight than she should have and she had not had a BM in 24 hours. Her bilirubin was still good, so it wasn't that serious. We started giving her formula in bottles, just so she'd not lose any more weight & she'd poop. Thanks to my awesome mom/baby nurse, she pooped! Yea! This nurse coaxed her a little bit, but we really didn't want that nasty stuff building up!

I had lactation consult after lactation consult...my only conclusion was that Little Legs needed and wanted only to nurse in front of others. She's still quite fond of that. I learned to breastfeeding in all sorts of strange positions and to do all the "normal" interventions to help with low milk supply (skin-to-skin & water were what I was doing most at this point). We went home on day of life 4. Now, we were supplementing quite a bit, actually I think most of her food was formula (some call it artifical baby milk). I knew this was not what I wanted. I really wanted to breastfeed my baby.

I couldn't give her the birth I dreamed of, so I wanted to give her my milk. At her 1 week check-up, we were given the obligatory formula by the doctor's office. To this, I was very dissapointed. I immediately called one of our hospital's lactation consultants. I knew I needed to be seen. My LC helped me get LL (short for Little Legs) latched on. We recognized my milk supply was a big issue. The LC recommended a prescription medication for my milk supply. My wonderful doctor, Dr. S, called it in to me. But, when I went in for my appointment with her (a couple days after LL's appointment), she suggested fenugreek. Ah ha! I started fenugreek immediately.

Then, we started following-up every couple of days. We'd take their advice, go home, try it, come back, weigh LL, let her eat, weigh her again. This was not a totally smooth process though. There was a day I gave LL a bottle of formula in the lactation office. I was so tired and exhausted.

Finally, on about day 10-13 (I don't remember) my milk "came in." At this point, I was pumping every two hours, feeding LL my milk, followed by formula, what an ordeal. It took about a month (it was 4th of July weekend 2007) when I gave little legs her last bottle of formula. That is the point when I finally relaxed I think. That was, by far, the worst feeding of her entire life. I sat there and cried as I gave her that bottle. She had been nursing for about 3-4 hours straight when we decided to give her a bottle.

That was a huge turning point for me. Something clicked & I just relaxed. I just began to accept that some feedings were going to take a long time. That my baby loves her mommy and wanted to be close. That some feedings were going to be every 30 minutes, all day! I never used formula again.

I've always known I would breastfeed for one year. Many of my friends have breastfed that long. Extended breastfeeding, however, is something I had never thought of. My goal was to avoid formula. Now, my goal is to wean when LL is ready. To me, it's still quitting, even at a year. Because of my struggles, I vowed, very early on, I would never quit.

Breastfeeding does that a great deal of commitment, perseverance, dedication, and most of all -- love. I have an innate desire to do the absolute best thing for my baby -- whether she's 1 day old, 1 year old, or 10 years old. After deciding to breastfeed longer than 1 year, others who have done this start appearing out of no where. I have a cousin & our pediatrician (not the same one in the beginning) who did so.

Well, LL is ready for naptime...more later.

Naming "the Blog"

2008-06-20T14:30:00.000-07:00

First, thanks for reading...whoever you are!

This was much harder to name than I expected. I thought I was creative, but I didn't want just any old wording out there. So, hopefully the name...Milk Maid Momma...isn't too offensive to anyone. I am a breastfeeding mom of the cutest 1 year old little girl. She stole my heart the day she was born. I have been breastfeeding for 12 months, 2 weeks, and 6 days... to be exact. I felt that the wording "Milk Maid Momma" was just right for this.

I'm passionate about breastfeeding, birth, VBAC, and books...well, of course my family too.

So, welcome to my blog.